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#453140 - 11/10/13 02:28 PM Total recall of old memory
Frustrated Offline

Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I had a new memory come forward with more details than any other very disturbing to me. I was around 5/6 when this happened. Here it is : was in the bathroom with a man ( I say man because I never recall faces) I smell the smell of aftershave that only one person in my life wore. He was behind me we were both in our tighty whities then I felt his arms around me and he lifted me up and bent me over the vanity. I remember him holding my arm down so I wouldn't side down. Then I felt him penetrate me I don't remember what exactly was happening at that moment I just remember focusing on my feet not touching the. I couldn't touch the floor that's all I was thinking. Then he released me and I dropped to floor. I was sick to my stomach he left and I got dressed. That memory haunted for years because it was very sketchy now I know who it was.

#453165 - 11/10/13 09:02 PM Re: Total recall of old memory [Re: Frustrated]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3576
Loc: somewhere in Africa
F -

i imagine you are probly in a very tumultuous state right now - mixing relief at knowing the previously unremembered part of the story - with a devastating reaction to that certain knowledge. i hope you have some kind of support that you can turn to - a trusted friend or partner or counselor. if nothing else - please continue to write about it - about your feelings and reactions to the total memory - in a journal - in these forums - or in PM to someone (OK to message me if you want). it is important to get this poison out of your system - and to get the right kind of feedback - not to be left alone to struggle. there are many here who will understand and be there for you.


Edited by traveler (11/10/13 09:02 PM)
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho

#453234 - 11/11/13 12:33 PM Re: Total recall of old memory [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline

Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
Thanks for your feedback I found someone who is helping me deal with this but I don't think that's enough that's why I post it on hear and hope for some relief. I keep thinking I will never be fixed I will never be whole I will never be okay But I will never give up !!

#453240 - 11/11/13 01:28 PM Re: Total recall of old memory [Re: Frustrated]
toddop Offline

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 232
Loc: California
Hey frustrated,

I have had very similar experiences and memories from the same age in my childhood come to light recently. They revolve around my biological father in the bathroom as well.

One memory I have he is getting out of the shower and I have to pee. He tells me to come in do it. When I start to pee he stops me and tells me I have to take off all my clothes to do it, just like him. He stands there naked and watches me. In this memory, I know what is coming next. He walks toward me and I look down at the floor and the memory stops. I have enough body memories to know what happened next.

The other memory I have is riding behind him on a bike in one of those child seats. My big toe dangled into the spokes of the back wheel and the toenail popped right off. So, he takes me home bleeding and crying. He sits me on the bathroom counter and doctors my toe. After he is done, he starts rubbing my legs and my body. He starts to take off my clothes. Again, this memory whites out at this point, but I know what happens next.

I always had the first part of these memories, asking my father to pee and the toe in the spokes. I just recently recovered the second and most damaging parts of these memories that highlight how abusive he was. I think my mind decided I was ready for it, and released it. My mind did not ask for a unanimous vote thought, because I didn't feel ready when they came. They floored me quite literally in the form of flashbacks and panic attacks. But, I guess my mind was right in some sense, because I am still here plugging along months later after these revelations.

I have always said that this work is terribly difficult. But, in the end, I am sadder yet stronger. I am more me by what I discover, but it is a tough road to walk down or to have learned that I walked down as a very young child. But, I am still here. I am plugging along. And so are you. Take that to heart at the very least.

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."
-Albert Einstein

#453270 - 11/11/13 08:26 PM Re: Total recall of old memory [Re: Frustrated]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 629
Loc: VA
Frustrated & Toddop:

My flashback ordeal started a lot like yours did. I had some fragmentary memories for decades, like pottery shards, and then the flashbacks filled in the worst of the rest. Of course it's disturbing when the past changes out from under us, but it was even stranger that the "new" knowledge imparted by the flashbacks wasn't new at all--I knew immediately that it had been somewhere in my skull all along.

I think it's always better to know than to wonder what's casting a shadow. If we can turn the flashbacks into mere memories, we can try to make sense of them... and eventually they'll fade like other memories, though maybe not as fast.

As Mary Stewart wrote in her Merlin trilogy, "It is wrong to turn away from knowing, however the knowing comes." Peace!


Edited by unhappycamper (11/11/13 08:27 PM)

#453279 - 11/11/13 10:15 PM Re: Total recall of old memory [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline

Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I will never be fixed I will never be whole I will never be okay I will never give up !!
My mantra

#453280 - 11/11/13 10:18 PM Re: Total recall of old memory [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline

Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I can't believe how similar some stories are to mine I'm still at a loss though
I'm still remembering. Looking for a starting place so I can start to move forward from where I am now

#453283 - 11/11/13 10:21 PM Re: Total recall of old memory [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline

Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
By the way you guys are great for sharing with me and reaching out
Thank you

#453284 - 11/11/13 10:37 PM Re: Total recall of old memory [Re: Frustrated]
victor-victim Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3939
Loc: O Kanada
please accept my good will and best wishes.

i hope this emerging memory of yours is not sending you for a loop. please don't let that happen.
there will be some negative spin, no doubt,
but i know it will be positive outcome eventually.
that has been my experience with flashbacks.
they take time to run through your system.
your mind must figure your soul is ready to receive this information, and has released it to your heart for processing.

your story makes me angry and sad.
i hate to hear these things, but i feel compelled to share the pain on this site, having already dumped so much of my own pain here.
i feel frustrated that i was not there to protect you.
if only i could stop this before it ever happens.
these are the feelings i get when i hear about other people's CSA.
i want to rescue the child, and prove that the world is still a decent place, and there are still good people in the human race.

what is odd is that i don't feel that way about my own abuse.
i wonder why.
i think i am going to have to ponder that for a while.

thanks for sharing.
and if you will excuse me for contradicting you...
you will be fixed
you will be whole
you will be okay

the only thing i agree with in that sentence is...



#453286 - 11/11/13 10:55 PM Re: Total recall of old memory [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline

Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192

Thank you

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