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#453139 - 11/10/13 02:06 PM Good article on "honoring" abusive parents
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
I know a lot of abuse survivors have difficulty with the concept of "honoring" our fathers and mothers as stated in the Bible (I do). Below is a really good article that helped me see past that and throw off the guilt of not feeling very honoring, and I thought it might help others as well.

Is God Really Telling Us To Honor Abusive Parents?


Edited by EGL (11/10/13 02:08 PM)
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Eddie

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#453166 - 11/10/13 09:03 PM Re: Good article on "honoring" abusive parents [Re: EGL]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 601
I'm actually not religious but this gave me some really good perspective. Thanks for posting this.
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My Story

Growing up isn't about losing innocence - it's about learning how to keep it in a cold and unforgiving world.

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#453179 - 11/10/13 11:07 PM Re: Good article on "honoring" abusive parents [Re: EGL]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3430
Loc: O Kanada
great article.
i was glad to find that it confirms my own conclusions about my &$*#&$*%^(#&(@^^*$&! childhood.

i treated my parents so bad for so many years, i was starting to feel sorry for them.
i just dumped all my anger in their face any time they tried to squeeze into my life
after i divorced them in my terrible teens.
i blamed them for not protecting me from the horror and nightmares of CSA.

after a few more decades of damage and disaster,
i realized that i could no longer hold them responsible for ALL the NEW bullshit in my life,
so i started to hate myself as well,
while continuing to blame them for making me that way.

eventually, of course, my authority distrust and defiance disorder worked my way
all the way up the ladder
to the ultimate parent and creator... The Original G.
i started to hate GOD.
made sense... hate the creation, hate the creator.

i have since made my peace with my maker,
but there is still no peace with my earth parents.
even now, at the age of 52,
i continue to feel neglect and rejection from my "busy" father, and abuse and anger from my "crazy" mother.

fortunately, this drama has taken a back seat to my relationships with my own children,
and their mother.
i have created the family i craved as a child.
we don't always agree, but the is plenty of love,
and it is expressed.
whenever abusive behaviour occurs in my family,
it is addressed, acknowledged, apologized, atoned, and accepted.

how do i honour my mother and father?
i have guided, assisted, and protected their grandchildren, their bloodline, their DNA, from abuse and neglect and rejection.
this i did without guidance, assistance, or protection from my own parents.

my father, an immigrant workaholic millionaire miser businessman, was a rags-to-riches WWII childhood refugee.
"i came to this country with 35 cents in my pocket and i bought a shovel".
he lives like a pauper and describes himself as "greedy, secretive, evasive, and decisive".
this year, he finally honoured my family with a large financial gift plus legal assistance in purchasing our first family home.

all he had done since my first child was born, 17 years ago, was offer advice and criticism "at arm's length" as he calls it.
he had no time or money to contribute and had nothing good to say about the fact that my career in entertainment earns me on average about 25 grand per year.
i told him that considering i grew up on the streets of surrey,
he is lucky he doesn't have a dead junkie for a son.
he owns several houses and businesses and flies all over the world and, despite several direct requests from me, has never even sent me one single postcard.

my wife and i decided that it was better for our children if she was a full time caregiver, while i paid the bills and did the diapers. we lived in poverty, but there was much love.

my father kept saying my wife should get a job and we should put the kids in daycare, and he kept telling me to get a real job with regular hours.

i cut that conversation short!
i said to his face, "dad, i only take advice from people i want to imitate. when i want to be a lonely old workaholic with 5 failed marriages and (exact number unknown) estranged children and step-children all over the place who hate me, i will start asking for your advice."
this shut him down and shut him up.
at that point, i decided that i was no longer angry at him for "not being there" as i was growing up.
i actually became grateful that he had not raised me,
because he was unable to imprint his ideals on me.

we became estranged (once again), and
he disappeared from my life for quite a while,
but a year ago he stepped up to the plate and helped us buy our own home. he made the point of saying
"son, i am sorry, i was wrong, you are a way better father than i am, and i am proud of you. i want to see me grandkids live in their own house and get a good education. you're doing a good job."

these are the words i have needed to hear from him since he first reappeared in my life in my late (too late) teens (for about one year).
although i value the rare times we spend together,
he is still unavailable and avoids hanging with me or my family, works all the time, even now at 74 years of age and fighting cancer for 10 years, but i know how much money means to him, and i understand how difficult it was for him to give away 100 grand to my family, with no strings attached.

anyway, i am sorry this topic got away from me and i babbled on.


BOTTOM LINE
i have found a way to honour my mother and father without putting my self or my children in harm's way.
i have NEVER said one negative word to my children about their grandparents.
they never ask, and don't seem to miss them.
my wife's mother was worth three grandparents,
and gave generously of her attention, time, money to my kids.
her example has set the standards pretty high,
but it is nice that father has made some progress.

my mother has not been plugged into my family since they were toddlers and i set behaviour boundaries for adults in their environment. she refused to abide by these restrictions (specifically "no hate-speech"), and decided that "nobody is going to tell me what to say!" and insisted on her right to tell my kids what a rotten person ("human garbage" "psychopath" "euro-trash") their grandfather (her ex-husband) is, and how brutally he beat her during their marriage, and how he raped her, etc.
all the shit she made me listen to as a (7 to 12 year old) child.
i told her she can say whatever she wants,
and i will make sure that my children and i are not able to hear it.
she has disowned us, and spends a great deal of time telling our mutual contacts how terrible we are.
her loss.

anyway... there i go again ranting.
the topic of parents is a powerful trigger for me.
i had a harder time forgiving them than my abusers.

i gotta go now.


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Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#453271 - 11/11/13 08:52 PM Re: Good article on "honoring" abusive parents [Re: EGL]
nomorevic Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/12
Posts: 41
Loc: North Carolina
Great article, thank you for sharing.
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#453588 - 11/14/13 12:56 AM Re: Good article on "honoring" abusive parents [Re: EGL]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 269
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
I have to say that I read this post yesterday but didn't feel able to comment at the time as it brought back alot of memories that I'm trying to deal with, but a good nights sleep and some more thought and.......

My Father died a while back but my Mother is still alive, she's in her 80's and I guess did the whole "family unit, sticking together, I gave up my life for you bit" really well as after everything that happened I can't seem to shake it off and find myself getting in the car, driving the 60 or so miles on a weekend to see her. She's great at emotional blackmail, you can almost hear the tears hitting the carpet if you say that your busy.

Its so hard not to group her in with the whole damn mess of my early life, my CSA at scouts, the groping by one of her boyfriends, being made to spend the day out with her and her latest catch and all of the while my Father sitting at home quitly and patiently, WTF was he doing. I guess it all got jumbled together in my head.

So visiting her, doing the odd jobs around her house, saying the right things - yes but honoring her - No

Even writing the "No" bit made me feel guilty, too well trained I guess.....


Edited by tbkkfile (11/14/13 02:52 AM)
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To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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#454562 - 11/20/13 03:38 PM Re: Good article on "honoring" abusive parents [Re: EGL]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 800
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I'm very spiritual and not religious. AND, I enjoyed this article so very much. Don
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Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#454646 - 11/21/13 02:09 PM Re: Good article on "honoring" abusive parents [Re: don64]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11141
Loc: Denver, CO
Good post, Eddie. Indeed it is difficult to honor parents who have done dishonorable (abusive) things to us.
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