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#452988 - 11/08/13 11:26 PM I feel so empty--TRIGGERS
don64 Online   content

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 557
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I am pretty new, about a month. I'm 64, gay, single, 19 years, hermit for about 9 years, been doing therapy, personal growth, meds, psychics, shamans, body work, etc., since 19 after an overdose--everything I could think of to try to figure out what is wrong with me. Been through depression, suicidal thoughts, alcoholism until 45, anonymous sex until about 9 years ago. I've been heavy into a personal spirituality for about 20 years and feel very connected to the non-physical.

I feel very blessed in many ways. Mainly because I am still alive and working on myself. My issues are not gay issues. They are abuse issues. At age 53, after a lot of body work, I finally began to access body memories and began to remember the sexual abuse and physical abuse of my father. He liked to hurt me. It was only this year, shortly before I turned 64 that I began to remember the sexual abuse and torture from my mother, from 0-3 1/2. She used me as a sexual toy and systematically terrorized me into submission. She smothered me with a pillow once, choked me with her hands, and hurt me in other ways, some sexually.

My healing process has had a booster rocket effect since joining MS. I had never talked to another survivor before joining here, and am feeling so much more serious about myself. Layers of minimizing my life experiences have melted away. And, I feel so empty. It feels as if there is just nothing here inside me. No compass point. No reference. It feels as if there is just nothing for me. My intellect knows that living for a time empty is supposed to be a prelude to a greater life. It doesn't feel that way right now. It just feels life there if nothing for me.

Has anyone else felt this way, and did anything help?



#453004 - 11/09/13 12:38 AM Re: I feel so empty--TRIGGERS [Re: don64]
thepatient Offline

Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 29
Loc: USA
It's probably a very normal phase to feel like you've lost your identity since such a substantial part of our identities pre-healing concerned putting on a "front" or act to protect ourselves. We became so involved in this barrier/mental self-defense mechanisms that we greatly lost touch with ourselves. Give it time and patience. The memories and forgotten sentiments will gradually resurface. I'm still in this stage myself, so I know what you're dealing with here.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that one important method to help make sense of yourself during this is to regularly journal.

Edited by thepatient (11/09/13 01:37 AM)
"Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one
Shine on upon the severed
Divided, I'm withering away
Shine on upon the many, light our way
Benevolent sun"

#453005 - 11/09/13 12:43 AM Re: I feel so empty--TRIGGERS [Re: don64]
don64 Online   content

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 557
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Thanks thepatient. It's just breaking my heart to feel so isolated anymore. I think I'm growing but it hurts. Don

#453105 - 11/09/13 10:59 PM Re: I feel so empty--TRIGGERS [Re: don64]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1466
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: don64
...I think I'm growing but it hurts.
Hey Don,

Takes alot of courage for you to say this stuff. Yeah it does hurt, pain like I've never felt before. But maybe the pain is what I wouldn't let myself feel 43 years ago at the time of the abuse. Maybe the onset of real recovery requires that we go back to that painfull place and let ourselves experience the normal reaction a kid should've had. I know I buried that pain for far too long, only to have it express itself in many of the ways you experienced too: alcoholism, anonymous sex, difficult realtionships.

Remember that here on MS you are never alone. No, doesn't take the place of a flesh and blood person, but we are here for you.

Be well,

"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "
Joni Mitchell

#453116 - 11/10/13 03:38 AM Re: I feel so empty--TRIGGERS [Re: don64]
don64 Online   content

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 557
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Thank you, Jude. I just felt a little sigh inside, a little relaxation. It makes sense to me that I am feeling pain in small doses that I previously felt was too much to handle. And, that it is healing. Still hurts, still feels heart-breaking, but not as scary. Don


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