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#451745 - 10/29/13 07:44 PM Weird changes
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
I've been noticing in recent weeks that things that used to turn me on are starting to gross me out. I don't understand this, and I have started talking to my therapist about it.

Things that used to turn me on - like imagining / fantasizing about a guy I think is hot naked with a hard on. Like - just right now, I'm imagining a guy that I think is hot, and when I imagined it before, it was delicious and got the RAWR going. But when I think of it now, it feels weird, off.

I dunno what this is all about. Anyone else experience this?
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It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#451837 - 10/30/13 11:11 AM Re: Weird changes [Re: Magellan]
peroperic2009 Online   content
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3568
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Magellan, good to see you posting.
Not sure about those changes and their meanings. I hope your therapist would help you with this.

I have always in some way fluctuating attractions and I'm never sure what is turning me beside some raw emotions which are constant trigger. But physical part is always blurred.

Pero
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#451918 - 10/30/13 07:55 PM Re: Weird changes [Re: Magellan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 360
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Magellan,

Since I've been talking with folks on MS, about three weeks now, I've started settling down a lot. I feel it's because I don't feel alone any more and am feeling much safer moving deeper into my healing process. One of the things I'm noticing is my sexual fantasizing has pretty much disappeared. For me, my fantasizing has always been pretty unhealthy, as it never involved: friendship, companionship, being seen and valued, trusting and being trusted--being known. It was always hyped and involved danger. So, while there are elements I was missing, your post has clarified for me that what I was missing is not anything I really want for myself.

A book I read about the second half of life talks about how one needs to learn to be curious instead of controlling. That's how I feel about my sudden diminished sexual energy. I always knew that what I fantasized about was not what I wanted. It was just all I had. I feel this is part of a healing and healthy process for me. In periods of change, it seems that living for a time empty is a part of the movement to a newer, healthier place. Having been through this empty place a few times now, I am beginning to trust this place as a sign of healthy movement. Thanks for your post! You have helped me get clarity.

Don

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#452171 - 11/01/13 07:28 PM Re: Weird changes [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
Thanks for your comments, guys.

I love the statement - "curious instead of controlling". I'm finding the same for my own recovery. The less controlling and more curious I become in the moment, the more flexibility I have to change and see new opportunities.

My sexual 'preference' seems to be fluid, or changing now. Sometimes I'm grossed out by things I used to always be turned on by. And my taste seems to be changing too. Perhaps its because I am maturing emotionally and there are other things to be attracted to about people other than physical / looks.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#452969 - 11/08/13 08:04 PM Re: Weird changes [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
After 20 years of identifying as predominantly gay, I now have no clue what my native sexual orientation is anymore.

This fucking sucks.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#452990 - 11/08/13 11:29 PM Re: Weird changes [Re: Magellan]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Magellan
After 20 years of identifying as predominantly gay, I now have no clue what my native sexual orientation is anymore. This fucking sucks.

Why does this suck so much? So your sexuality feels fluid right now. Its not your master. You don't have to behave any differently if you don't want to. People change over time. Thats normal. Nothing is certain or forever. Try to relax and let you feelings run their course. There might be some powerful things to learn in the process.
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#453016 - 11/09/13 02:27 AM Re: Weird changes [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
x


Edited by Magellan (11/09/13 02:28 AM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

Top
#453018 - 11/09/13 02:43 AM Re: Weird changes [Re: Magellan]
Andre960 Offline


Registered: 11/01/13
Posts: 9
Loc: Ontario Canada
Maybe, this great adventure called self-discovery includes having eyes opened to the incredible vastness and complexities of the human experience. If I " identified" by what I do - then my identity is - in real time- fluid - I choose what I do - so with my fluid identity I choose the course that I flow - what evidence is there to say that the same is not true with regards to my sexuality - I don't have to be his or that - I just need to be authentic with the person I choose to partner with ...
Just saying..:>)

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#453019 - 11/09/13 02:45 AM Re: Weird changes [Re: Magellan]
Andre960 Offline


Registered: 11/01/13
Posts: 9
Loc: Ontario Canada
Maybe, this great adventure called self-discovery includes having eyes opened to the incredible vastness and complexities of the human experience. If I am " identified" by what I do - then my identity is - in real time- fluid - I choose what I do - so with my fluid identity I choose the course that I flow - what evidence is there to say that the same is not true with regards to my sexuality - I don't have to be this or that - I just need to be authentic with the person I choose to partner with ...
Just saying..:>)

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#453027 - 11/09/13 08:20 AM Re: Weird changes [Re: Magellan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 360
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I, too, have had thoughts in recent years that my native sexuality might be naturally bi. A big part of me is resistant to the idea. Sex has always been unsatisfying for me because there had never been a ME in the equation, and my abuse has made me so damaged and has distorted any notion of what healthy intimacy in any form might be like. And a really big part of me is going to be so pissed off if i find out women are a possibility also and yet never having had something satisfying with a man. I don't feel that way now, but my feelings toward women have mellowed in the past few years. I am beginning to see them as human beings instead of objects.................very confusing. Don

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