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#452866 - 11/08/13 09:12 AM Is it possible for him to recover without therapy?
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Does anyone know of success stories for survivors who choose not to go to therapy? I can't get him to go. I don't want to push. I have gently suggested these websites. He doesn't want to talk about it, I won't push it. So what more can I do if anything?

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#452871 - 11/08/13 09:42 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 704
Loc: NJ
I don't think recovery and denial go together. Sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear.

Recovery often begins in earnest (therapy or not) when a person can no longer live the way they have been living. This could be hitting bottom, losing someone they love - whatever it is, it becomes unmanageable. Thus the first step in AA or any other recovery program.

Being here is really good for you. I would also recommend Al-anon or reading Codependent No More because you cannot allow yourself to get sucked in to a painful situation with someone who hasn't faced themselves yet.

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#452872 - 11/08/13 09:49 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
It is possible depending on the person--we all can heal differently. Some need groups, therapy and others just being surrounded by people who make him/her feel safe.

No matter the form of healing, the survivor needs to acknowledge the abuse and let it out, share it with others.

I wish him and you well on this journey. I hope he finds the right forum to learn and share so he can let the shame go.

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#452874 - 11/08/13 09:53 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
If by Therapy you mean seeing a trained counselor etc, I think yes. Not everything has access to a counselor who has a clue about male CSA. I had to look high and low and then got lucky to find one who at least knew what NOT to say etc. Although after time I realized I was really a learning experience for her.

BUT he does need to be able to open up and talk to someone about it in order to work through it. Most of my healing has been on my own with various books, and resources and talking it out online and sharing etc.

He needs to be working in order to recover. Pushing it down and avoiding will not heal anything. You can't force him though, it's got to be in his own time. Took me nearly 6 or so years to really start getting help from the time I really understood what had happened to me. It was literally a downward spiral that got deeper and darker each year until it literally came to do or die time.

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#452878 - 11/08/13 10:19 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
Unfortunately I don't know a single survivor personally (online I met a few) who I would say the word "healed" applies to, at least not in the sense of "there are no negative impacts of the past at all anymore". But I know that for all of them, life began to be better, health impacts became less severe and relationships started to improve after they made the decision to look at the past and to work through it. Most everyone sought help from a therapist but of course the work is always your own. I still think that it is most likely necessary to talk to someone. That you can't heal something that has so much impact on personal relationships and that has been done to you by another human all on your own with a book. But I could be wrong. smile What also apparently has tremendously helped some is a strong belief in a higher power (Christian, usually). Can't say anything about that personally, I'm an agnostic at best.

Anyway, hitting rock-bottom seems to be the moment where survivors start to seek help. I think it's the moment where the current pain is bigger than the one of having to look at the past. Depending on where your survivor is emotionally and how close and important the relationship is to him, that can also be seeing the impact his behaviour has on you. I know that that was true for my husband. The pain he was causing me was motivation for him to seek change, even if it meant looking at things he didn't want to look at. Unfortunately the complete opposite can also happen, a survivor being so scared by the fact that a relationship is becoming so important to him that he totally bails.

I wish there was a manual...

I think you're doing great. You're asking good questions and even if there are no "right" answers, everyone's experiences here can help you to find your balanced way between letting things unfold naturally and occasionally giving a push in the right direction.

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#452880 - 11/08/13 10:20 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: JustScott]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
I found a therapist and male SA is her specialty. I went to her once myself because I was a wreck. He has only disclosed to three people (his mother who rejected the idea), his then wife (now ex) and me. I would say the first disclosure was about 6 years ago as well. I know his personality very well, he has dissociated himself, I doubt he will ever bring it up again.
I've mentioned this website several times and he knows I am reading them but I don't what more I can do. As someone here said, you can't force healing.

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#452885 - 11/08/13 10:34 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: HopeDiesLast]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
He has tried to "bail" on me twice in the past month (the disclosure day). But I've been able to pull him back in. His reasoning though is that he says he can no longer be intimate with me now that I know and I am going to need that so he just thinks he should let me go. This coming from a man that I had a really great sexual relationship with until that day. But I absolutely adore and love him and have told him that numerous times and maybe thats why he is still hanging around.

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#452890 - 11/08/13 10:59 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
In my opinion, this dude needs therapy. You need therapy. What do you think is happening? He's not disclosing to heal. He's disclosing to build a wall between you. I had HUGE problems with intimacy. And let me tell you, he can get a handle on things, but I think you need professional help, too. You may be co-dependent. There is probably a TON of healing to be done. Please get help. You can't make him get help. He'll cross that bridge, or stumble across that river if he can't find the bridge, when the time is right for him. When I was in a state where I was ready to start healing... it was a weekend. I knew things had to change, because my life was falling apart. I WOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN THERAPY BEFORE THEN. And it wouldn't have helped if I had. Because I was in DENIAL, big time.

But when the crap was hitting the fan and spraying around the room, I started going through the phone book calling therapists until they started calling me back, and to each one I blurted out the problems I had until someone was able to talk me through the next few days and see me. That's how I got the ball rolling, and I'm damn glad I did.

I know it can be intimidating for this dude to stop the defense mechanisms which he built to protect himself but which are now hurting him, but if he wants to live a full life, he'll need to address them honestly, fully. I'm sure you do, too, with your own issues.

And there can be 1,000 reasons not to do the hard work. Money. Time. A lame experience with a therapist. Two lame therapists. Whatever.

The only way it'll happen is if you/he choose to do it. Do it. Get it going. PTSD is terrible but treatable. The same with co-dependency, all that crap. It's just like diabetes or something. You can't treat cancer yourself. You can't treat diabetes yourself. And they are REAL diseases. PTSD is real, and it will mess you up as bad as any other disease.

Thanks for having the courage to ask your questions. Please get help!

And remember this one thing. You cannot save him. You need to save yourself FOR yourself. It's his job to save himself FOR HIMSELF. It simply cannot happen any other way. Good luck. I'm praying for you both.

Bob

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#452891 - 11/08/13 11:03 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: Esposa]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6453
Loc: Right Behind You!
Originally Posted By: Esposa
I don't think recovery and denial go together.


What Esposa said!

I had my beloved ex-wife, backed-up by 4 professionals, all claiming my problems stemmed from CSA.

I kept saying "no," and to let me alone with my mask and alcohol. I was high-functioning "these fools know nothing" says I...all the while thinking, "OMG, they can SEE?!?!??"
_________________________
Keep the others in your life happy - Comply Comply Comply

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#452893 - 11/08/13 11:18 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: Robert1000]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Of course he needs therapy, there is absolutely no denying that and I did go to a therapist. Supposedly one that deals specifically in SA. I really liked her. I told him about the visit but he was very disinterested.I think the disclosure came because he got tired of me asking about his family and he blurted it out.
Can you explain what you mean by Codependent? We aren't married but we are very close and were even before we started a relationship so no matter what happens with the relationship, somehow I will be his friend. I won't abandon him.But you're also right, I won't go down with the ship.

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