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#452866 - 11/08/13 09:12 AM Is it possible for him to recover without therapy?
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Does anyone know of success stories for survivors who choose not to go to therapy? I can't get him to go. I don't want to push. I have gently suggested these websites. He doesn't want to talk about it, I won't push it. So what more can I do if anything?

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#452871 - 11/08/13 09:42 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
Esposa Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 637
Loc: NJ
I don't think recovery and denial go together. Sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear.

Recovery often begins in earnest (therapy or not) when a person can no longer live the way they have been living. This could be hitting bottom, losing someone they love - whatever it is, it becomes unmanageable. Thus the first step in AA or any other recovery program.

Being here is really good for you. I would also recommend Al-anon or reading Codependent No More because you cannot allow yourself to get sucked in to a painful situation with someone who hasn't faced themselves yet.

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#452872 - 11/08/13 09:49 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1445
It is possible depending on the person--we all can heal differently. Some need groups, therapy and others just being surrounded by people who make him/her feel safe.

No matter the form of healing, the survivor needs to acknowledge the abuse and let it out, share it with others.

I wish him and you well on this journey. I hope he finds the right forum to learn and share so he can let the shame go.

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#452874 - 11/08/13 09:53 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2569
If by Therapy you mean seeing a trained counselor etc, I think yes. Not everything has access to a counselor who has a clue about male CSA. I had to look high and low and then got lucky to find one who at least knew what NOT to say etc. Although after time I realized I was really a learning experience for her.

BUT he does need to be able to open up and talk to someone about it in order to work through it. Most of my healing has been on my own with various books, and resources and talking it out online and sharing etc.

He needs to be working in order to recover. Pushing it down and avoiding will not heal anything. You can't force him though, it's got to be in his own time. Took me nearly 6 or so years to really start getting help from the time I really understood what had happened to me. It was literally a downward spiral that got deeper and darker each year until it literally came to do or die time.

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#452878 - 11/08/13 10:19 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 60
Unfortunately I don't know a single survivor personally (online I met a few) who I would say the word "healed" applies to, at least not in the sense of "there are no negative impacts of the past at all anymore". But I know that for all of them, life began to be better, health impacts became less severe and relationships started to improve after they made the decision to look at the past and to work through it. Most everyone sought help from a therapist but of course the work is always your own. I still think that it is most likely necessary to talk to someone. That you can't heal something that has so much impact on personal relationships and that has been done to you by another human all on your own with a book. But I could be wrong. smile What also apparently has tremendously helped some is a strong belief in a higher power (Christian, usually). Can't say anything about that personally, I'm an agnostic at best.

Anyway, hitting rock-bottom seems to be the moment where survivors start to seek help. I think it's the moment where the current pain is bigger than the one of having to look at the past. Depending on where your survivor is emotionally and how close and important the relationship is to him, that can also be seeing the impact his behaviour has on you. I know that that was true for my husband. The pain he was causing me was motivation for him to seek change, even if it meant looking at things he didn't want to look at. Unfortunately the complete opposite can also happen, a survivor being so scared by the fact that a relationship is becoming so important to him that he totally bails.

I wish there was a manual...

I think you're doing great. You're asking good questions and even if there are no "right" answers, everyone's experiences here can help you to find your balanced way between letting things unfold naturally and occasionally giving a push in the right direction.

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#452880 - 11/08/13 10:20 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: JustScott]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
I found a therapist and male SA is her specialty. I went to her once myself because I was a wreck. He has only disclosed to three people (his mother who rejected the idea), his then wife (now ex) and me. I would say the first disclosure was about 6 years ago as well. I know his personality very well, he has dissociated himself, I doubt he will ever bring it up again.
I've mentioned this website several times and he knows I am reading them but I don't what more I can do. As someone here said, you can't force healing.

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#452885 - 11/08/13 10:34 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: HopeDiesLast]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
He has tried to "bail" on me twice in the past month (the disclosure day). But I've been able to pull him back in. His reasoning though is that he says he can no longer be intimate with me now that I know and I am going to need that so he just thinks he should let me go. This coming from a man that I had a really great sexual relationship with until that day. But I absolutely adore and love him and have told him that numerous times and maybe thats why he is still hanging around.

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#452890 - 11/08/13 10:59 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 307
In my opinion, this dude needs therapy. You need therapy. What do you think is happening? He's not disclosing to heal. He's disclosing to build a wall between you. I had HUGE problems with intimacy. And let me tell you, he can get a handle on things, but I think you need professional help, too. You may be co-dependent. There is probably a TON of healing to be done. Please get help. You can't make him get help. He'll cross that bridge, or stumble across that river if he can't find the bridge, when the time is right for him. When I was in a state where I was ready to start healing... it was a weekend. I knew things had to change, because my life was falling apart. I WOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN THERAPY BEFORE THEN. And it wouldn't have helped if I had. Because I was in DENIAL, big time.

But when the crap was hitting the fan and spraying around the room, I started going through the phone book calling therapists until they started calling me back, and to each one I blurted out the problems I had until someone was able to talk me through the next few days and see me. That's how I got the ball rolling, and I'm damn glad I did.

I know it can be intimidating for this dude to stop the defense mechanisms which he built to protect himself but which are now hurting him, but if he wants to live a full life, he'll need to address them honestly, fully. I'm sure you do, too, with your own issues.

And there can be 1,000 reasons not to do the hard work. Money. Time. A lame experience with a therapist. Two lame therapists. Whatever.

The only way it'll happen is if you/he choose to do it. Do it. Get it going. PTSD is terrible but treatable. The same with co-dependency, all that crap. It's just like diabetes or something. You can't treat cancer yourself. You can't treat diabetes yourself. And they are REAL diseases. PTSD is real, and it will mess you up as bad as any other disease.

Thanks for having the courage to ask your questions. Please get help!

And remember this one thing. You cannot save him. You need to save yourself FOR yourself. It's his job to save himself FOR HIMSELF. It simply cannot happen any other way. Good luck. I'm praying for you both.

Bob

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#452891 - 11/08/13 11:03 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: Esposa]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: Esposa
I don't think recovery and denial go together.


What Esposa said!

I had my beloved ex-wife, backed-up by 4 professionals, all claiming my problems stemmed from CSA.

I kept saying "no," and to let me alone with my mask and alcohol. I was high-functioning "these fools know nothing" says I...all the while thinking, "OMG, they can SEE?!?!??"
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#452893 - 11/08/13 11:18 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: Robert1000]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Of course he needs therapy, there is absolutely no denying that and I did go to a therapist. Supposedly one that deals specifically in SA. I really liked her. I told him about the visit but he was very disinterested.I think the disclosure came because he got tired of me asking about his family and he blurted it out.
Can you explain what you mean by Codependent? We aren't married but we are very close and were even before we started a relationship so no matter what happens with the relationship, somehow I will be his friend. I won't abandon him.But you're also right, I won't go down with the ship.

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#452940 - 11/08/13 02:49 PM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 307
Hi Christie,

First off, you should definitely take anything I write with a big grain of salt.

And I might be reading into what you say... but when you guess what his real intention/meaning might be, like above when you say his disclosure came because he got tired of you asking about his family and he blurted out the fact, you're rationalizing what he's doing. When two people get to know each other by dating or whatever, it's normal to ask about family. For him to blurt it out and then punish you for it by withholding sex or whatever is pretty abusive. For you to rationalize it is... I think, could well be co-dependent, if that's in fact what you're doing.

I don't write this in judgment of you. Not at all. I'm simply giving you my honest opinion. But if that's what you are doing... then you're in fact enabling him to continue dodging his real issues, because that's the true problem with the way co-dependency relates to PTSD. The PTSD is basically a stack of crappy stuff--denial, dissociation, anger, pain, projection, lies, rationalization, self-delusions, sexual dysfunction and who knows what-all--all rolled into one. The whole point of it is to keep the person who has PTSD from dealing in a straightforward way with whatever caused the PTSD, and all the new traumatic things that have come along in the wake of the original trauma(s). And there are almost always plenty of those. Anyway, a co-dependent, by having their own rationalizations and delusions basically helps the person with PTSD keep avoiding the real problem.

Anyway, like I said, I don't know that that's what you're doing. It just looks like that, from my vantage point. That could be... don't have any doubt... because I know what co-dependency looks like all too well. I'm not sharing much about my own life right here... but trust me... I've been through the shit, too.

My best to you. Keep after it. I can tell you're a loving person, and that's the best place from which to be working.

Bob

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#452949 - 11/08/13 03:26 PM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: Robert1000]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
I don't think i was rationalizing it. What I was trying to do was explain how the disclosure was delivered if that makes sense. But as i read your post, it sounds like you think i should push him more toward getting help? Which is quite the opposite of what everyone else seems to be saying. I read a post somewhere that said the only direction you can push is away.
I dont want to scare him away, I want him to get help. I want to be with him for a long time. I adore him, i want him back, I want our sex life back, I want to have fun again. Since this came up, all his smiles and laughter went away. And yes i know that was a front, he was coping not healing.

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#453011 - 11/09/13 01:12 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
Esposa Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 637
Loc: NJ
There is a pattern and Bob has it right. Most survivors are married or coupled with codependent personalities. It just is that way. In fact, most addicts or trauma victims have codependent partners. And I will say having spent a couple of years around here, survivors do better when their partners finally realize the nature of the codependence and move away from that role.

I have said it before on these boards - but I read Codependent No More SEVERAL TIMES. The first time, I got through a couple of chapters and was like "THIS SO IS NOT ME" - but the fourth time I finally finished the book and was like THIS IS SO ME. It takes time and a lot of reflection for us to identify this in ourselves. Groups like al-anon are for this exact issue.

We all need recovery and support - survivors and supporters.

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#453030 - 11/09/13 08:45 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: Esposa]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Thanks bob and esposa. I was still a bit confused so i googled codependency. Honestly the only "role" i fit is the constant need to fix or help him when i am in fact powerless to do so. The others dont seem to fit my personality but i could be wrong.
Ok so now that i realize i cant be the solution (by the way Esposa, that comment is really when it dawned on me) what do i do? Is this where i say, i realize i cant help you, only that i can support you to the extent that you want it? Or is it more like, we have some work to do here and if this relationship is important enough to you, you will need to work at it or i will need to leave?

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#453033 - 11/09/13 09:03 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
Esposa Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 637
Loc: NJ
Christie - this is a process, for you too. So it will take time for you to feel this way. But I will give you an example. But first, let me ask you a question...

How much horror in you does the following question instill?
YOU WILL GO TO THERAPY OR I WILL NOT SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.

Ok - I realize that's dramatic. But the fact is, when we are finally starting to recover from codependence, this statement NO longer feels scary - and it feels more about demanding what WE need for safety and less about DEMANDING that our partner do something. That's what I mean about a process.

But this is kind of where I ended up mentally about 2 years ago:

I love you. You are important to me. The more I know about you, the more I love you. I am strong and committed and capable of standing by you should you decide to do the work of healing from what happened to you. But I will tell you that I have needs and they involve honesty, intimacy and mutual respect and understanding. Right now, I can see you hurting and I can see you pulling away. It hurts me because I want us to be together and I think we can work through all of this together. What I will not do, however, is give up my needs for someone who does not want to get better.

What does Christie want? Write it down and put it under you pillow and make sure you are moving toward it every day of your life.

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#453045 - 11/09/13 11:06 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 84
Loc: west Chester, Pa
Hello: I will only speak from my experience. I hear you and it is a great question. You have had some great replays. For decades I felt I could just hold it in and everything would be fine. After men are strong and should not show feelings. As I aged it started eating at me. Depression, anger, suicide. I just did not connect it all. Till I meet my wife after three years I spilled the beans one time when I was suicidal. I started therapy and working with it instead of denying. The point is anything is possible, but it is my thought that a male has to get to the point that he accepts and is willing to work on it. This takes some of us many years. My wife stuck with me and helped. I could have and would have never done it with out her. Not sure this is of any help. All of us are so different, our stories are different its impossible to predict. I wish and pray all the best to you and your man.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#453090 - 11/09/13 09:26 PM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 277
Loc: Southeast USA
Here is my therapy. I do have a very long time in a 12 step program that helped greatly.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#453238 - 11/11/13 12:55 PM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Well apparently he has not hit rock bottom enough to want to change or I am not important enough. We had the talk on Saturday and its taking me two days to post because I can't see through my tears.
I incorporated a lot of how I feel and what I feel along with a lot of suggestions on here. His response was (through tears), I love you, I adore you, you are the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't replace you. But I CANT go to therapy. I look at you now like you are an aunt or cousin. Therefore we can't make love ever again.
So there it is. I always said I would stand by him. We were friends long time before anything else. But you know, I feel like he is being pretty selfish. I know it wasn't his choice to be hurt but it is his choice to hurt me.
The worst part is that he isn't even in denial. He isnt saying that he has some grand life and he is happy. He full out said that he is just living his life pretending to be happy until he dies. And talking about this all makes him feel worse not better. he says he functions better when this isn't on the surface. And so I told him that because he will not get help that he has lost the only two women that he was ever close to and wanted to really love him. And he said, that will never happen again, I wont let anyone in again, ever. Quote.
So I am lost. I feel so hurt over losing him. I feel so bad that I can't just feel sorry for him but I feel so angry. I don't think I can be his friend but that's not fair either. He has nobody, tons of friends but no close ones. I don't want to abandon him. But I am devastated. I had to call off work today. And did I mention that we work together closely. So now there goes a 13 year friendship, a good work relationship, a love and a lover because he said four words.

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#453484 - 11/13/13 10:53 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 307
Good luck, Christie. You're worth it. You deserve a partner who appreciates you for who you are. I want you to know how much I admire you for standing up for yourself. Don't write off this guy, unless you need to for yourself. People change. People evolve and grow. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Bob

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#453501 - 11/13/13 01:47 PM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: Robert1000]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Bob, I dont think i have any choice to write off the relationship and its really very very heartbreaking. He is not going to get help. I thought maybe the loss of our friendship would spur him more than the loss of our love relationship.His Ex remains friends with him. Not close friends but enough that maybe that he thinks that she is still "around" that he didn't really lose anything. He has said to me that I am not really losing him, that I will see him everyday and he thinks we can be great friends. WTF? I am still looking at him the way a person does when they adore you and are very attracted to you and he looks at me like I am his aunt. Funny he says that I am so sexy and he would have to be nuts not to want to be intimate with me but since i am the aunt and all....And he doesn't think that this is something he can get over with help. It didn't work wiht the EX so why now?????

I need some help though. The therapist cannot see me until close to Thanksgiving and I am really struggling with decisions that I am making. I would love to be his friend but emotionally i dont think i can. We can't go back to that friendship we had where he could talk about dating and what not. How can i not look at him sexually after what we had together.But the biggest thing is that i am so pissed that this wasnt enough for him to realize he needs help. How can you tell a person that you can't replace them and won't let anyone in ever again and not think that you need help.

Its selfish i think.Even if therapy wouldn't have brought us back together, i would be his friend and support him becuase he tried. Because i realize from reading here what a long road it is. I feel tortured.I feel like I am deserting some sad little boy who really needs me even though he won't admit to it. He doesn't need anyone, i see it in how he lives each day but that's not really the truth. i told him he could trust me. I dont want to abandon him.

Every little thing makes me miss him horribly. If i try to be his friend does that mean i am enabling him to continue down this path of denial? i just don't know that there is any hope. He can totally detach himself emotionally at a moments notice. I see it right now. I see it with his mother. She wrote him a letter two months ago and he has not read it but yet he hasn't thrown it away either. Who can do that????

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#453549 - 11/13/13 08:34 PM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 637
Loc: NJ
Hi Christie. If I were in your position, I would write him a letter, containing much of what you wrote here and then I would focus on me and getting my needs met in fulfilling and healthy ways.

The letter is good because it allows you to set the record straight and communicate openly and honestly - and he can take it or leave it. I think you are asking yourself good questions, but I also think you need to be careful about accepting the unacceptable when you see him as a little boy and not a man who could and should have been a better partner. It's hard not to hurt for him and hard not to wish it were different, but you walking away in LOVE and HONESTY may be a really amazing gift - to him and to yourself. He may chose to follow, it may be later than you like. But holding on to yourself, your dreams, your needs is the best thing you can do in a situation like this.

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#453630 - 11/14/13 12:53 PM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
jas4159 Offline


Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 257
i do not know of anyone who has successfully recovered without theapy. it is very difficult stuff and usally beyond the non professionals skill set to understand. This being said. I see therapy as a guide for us to work to. The work is up to us. and it takes a lot of commitment and determination.

good luck

rich
justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com
_________________________
Thanks

rich

justanothersurvivror.wordpress.com

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#454237 - 11/18/13 09:23 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
There are plenty of ways to heal that don't involve therapy. Considering that therapy as we know it was only around since the late 1800's (and that was Freudian therapy... how useful is that for anything?!) and sexual abuse/assault was around much longer than that, therapy is a modern way of healing from sexual abuse/assault but it is not the only way.

I've found therapy to be helpful in my recovery but it is not my only tool. I also use prayer, music, time outdoors and time with my wife to cope. Getting to the point where I could at least tell a handful of friends was instrumental as well.

My wife was sexually assaulted by a psychotherapist when she was in junior high, and has told me there's no way she'll trust a therapist again--male or female. So it is just not a possibility for her. But she is not in denial of the abuse or the way it affects her. She spends time by herself writing in her journal and she has also told me a lot about what happened to her. She has a supportive group of friends and her church community. So while therapy is not one of the tools she uses she has other tools.

Either way pushing someone into therapy isn't good. Therapy works best when it's something the client voluntarily wants to do. It's entirely possible to talk about your abuse and heal from it without a therapist, although therapy is perhaps more efficient.
_________________________
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- Saint John of the Cross

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#454244 - 11/18/13 10:01 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: CruxFidelis]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
I guess there are varied opinions on therapy. I know I can't push him to do it, I was just hoping that losing me would show him that he needs to try something - anything!! Others have suggested options in lieu of therapy. I dont understand why he wants to function like this, especially because it does not seem he is in denial.

Esposa, I took your advice and wrote the letter. I actually prefer letters anyway. It allows me to really think about what I want to say rather than possibly making a mistake or saying something that i would have rather not said. I don't cry as much now but this weekend was really really tough. I have all this open time now, and i know i should be doing something constructive but I really miss him.

So I still don't know what to do.I wish i could talk to the therapist this week. He needs a friend, one that he can trust.I'm it. But I am angry. You're right Esposa, it is unacceptable, he has a choice now. Why wasn't I important enough????

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#454312 - 11/18/13 03:41 PM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
GoodHope Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 413
Hey Christie, something you wrote earlier caught my eye. You said you weren't enough to change his mind. It's been years and I still have to remind myself, his behavior is not about me and your love's behavior is not about you. In so many ways it would be easier for all involved if it were, but it isn't.

On a separate point, I made attending therapy a prerequisite for me staying. I will tell you that someone who doesn't want to get well, can and will make therapy a waste of time and money. My husband was living proof. What he ended up responding well to was a 12 step group (porn addiction). What he really likes is the group camaraderie. They text throughout the week. I wish he would go back to therapy too (he has a host of issues that make making a life with him difficult that a professional could address) but for w, as long as he is doing SOMETHING to help himself, I can work with him.
_________________________
Wife of a survivor

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#454781 - 11/22/13 11:36 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: GoodHope]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
I wasn't sure if I should open a new thread on this but I feel like we made a little progress yesterday. And it seems to have started via an almost panic attack that he was having. Apparently he has been having those symptoms since disclosure. I must have walked into his office at exactly the right time because we started talking (well whispering)immediately when he told me how he felt.since we are at work, we left for lunch and talked some more.We decided to get together last night and he said lets just go have fun. I said lets talk a little more and then have fun.And so we did.

This was the most relaxed I have seen him since disclosure. And he talked and I was able to ask him questions. He didn't even roll his eyes when i talked about things i have learned here. I was even able to find out that he never experienced flashbacks or triggers with me while being intimate and never saw me as the perp when i initiated. He apologized that i felt insecure over him not initiating. He did not say he would therapy but i think that's okay for now. i told him that i know its a huge step and scary but that i would be there if he took one step forward and two back. What i told him i would not do is watch him dig himself further down the hole. I told him he has no where to go now but up. So we left last night with a little smooch and decided to hang out and have fun during the holidays and let this go for a little while he thinks about everything that has happened.I told him that I loved him and he should keep trusting me.

And so this morning driving to work and chatting, he brought up his dad. They are not real close but at least they talk. I asked him if he ever considered telling his dad about his brother. I expected a one word answer but the gates opened!!Just like that, i learned all kinds of things. And it ended with, i can't believe how my mother tried to put this under the carpet. WOW. I am still hopeful but trying not to be too hopeful if that makes sense.

Esposa- I swear its the letter i wrote.Thanks for the advice.

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#454786 - 11/22/13 12:28 PM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 2974
Loc: O Kanada
my two cents.

i doubt that i could have made any recovery without therapy.
it must be possible... but probably difficult.

knowledge is power, and power is a pivotal point with SA survivors.

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Victor|Victim

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#454787 - 11/22/13 12:35 PM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: victor-victim]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Victor-Victim, I couldn't agree more. Thats why i found a therapist that specializes in this area and I will visit her for the 2nd time next week. I won't stay if he doesn't go to therapy and that's all there is to it. But i am going to let it rest for a little bit and then give it another go. Originally i was pushing and pleading and then i realized I couldnt make him do anything and now he seems to have opened up a bit without much effort on my part. I dont want him to close that door but when the time is right, i will bring it up to him again.

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#457696 - 12/31/13 03:49 PM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
Hey Christie

I just stumbled upon this thread. I went through something very similar with my BF who I still love and adore about a month ago. He also thinks that this is just the way he is and nothing will change. We was sexually attracted to me, but saw me as a "good girl" (though I'm highly sexual) and was addicted to porn which of course made me feel like crap in bed at times as he would compare me to porn stars and often wouldn't be able to get it up.

I brought up therapy which he was dead set against. I kept thinking "Why am I not important enough?" But it's not about that. He's scared and he's gotten used to the way he is. In a way it's sort of like a security blanket.

After the therapy thing, he started pulling away emotionally and I caught him in few lies. Unfortunately instead of owning up to his lies, he blamed me for snooping though I only snooped because I suspected something (he emailed an ex when we were on a short break).

He keeps saying I can't accept him (he also struggles with SSA).

I am upset as I love him to pieces and hope to marry him one day (he told me I was the one several times), but ultimately there's nothing I can do. It's a tough pill to swallow. I've found meditation to help a lot. And red wine. wink

Anyway sorry to hear what you're going through, but you're not alone and this is definitely not about you.

As for me, I am definitely going to get that codependant book. I'm thinking maybe there's a reason I attract guys like this.

Hope you are well and if you feel like it please update with what happened.



Edited by NotSure (01/28/14 01:44 PM)

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#459134 - 01/22/14 12:03 AM Re: Is it possible for him to recover without therapy? [Re: christie1013]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Yes me.

When I went through my recovery in South Africa, there were no specialists in the field. I did my recovery on my own with books and the internet.
Whats needed
A desire to heal and change your life.
Books on the subject (Victims no longer and Evicting the perpetrator)
Interaction with other survivors.
A supportive partner.

This all goes a long way and helped me. It all starts with the fact that you realize what has happened to you and the truth, and a desire to heal

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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