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#452781 - 11/07/13 02:59 PM Wiped-out
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
It was not my plan to live on Social Security Disability. I was a six-figure rock-star of business...never smug about that...I gave away more in a year than I paid in taxes. (I say that just because some here have said the reversal of fortune is Karmatic justice - with the implication I'm shit).

So I lost everything, (as in fkg everything) with the stupid divorce that could have been settled for $240.00 and not $250K++. I will never financially recover, and I'm no longer employable with "Crazy Fkr" stamped on my permanent record.

So anyway, this month I HAD to get new tires for the borrowed car...cheapest possible $500.00 with alignment. Its turned cold here and I need to keep the kids warm when they visit, so another $400 to fill the propane tanks. Meds came due (as they do every month) $450.

With rent for the Little Brick Shithouse I'm up to $2500. Electricity $100.

Brought the car for an oil change as it was really due and I need to take care of it from its owner...But the dealer always seems to undercharge me by a LOT. I question them...they say "yup...that's correct."

This time they said "your brakes are toast." "OK" I said. "Lemme guess....$400?" "Yeah...that's about right with the oil change."

Two doors down was a "Cash For Gold" shack. Dude in there was very nice and treated me with respect as he gave me cash for my Syracuse Univ ring.

Anyone need a kidney?
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#452782 - 11/07/13 03:07 PM Re: Wiped-out [Re: Still]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1248
Loc: kansas
you know you can always come stay at my place if you need to.
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#452802 - 11/07/13 08:20 PM Re: Wiped-out [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Thank you Obi, but my whole purpose is to be close to the kids. If it means not being close to the kids I may as well live in a camper-trailer.

But thank you again.
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#452808 - 11/07/13 09:17 PM Re: Wiped-out [Re: Still]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 357
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Still,

I am so sorry you are going through such stressful times. I can't know what you have to deal with and I cannot know what is right for you. But there are enough similarities with me that I want to share a condensed version of a portion of my journey. I'm 64. Up until 45 I had a six figure income. Unlike you, I always spent more than I made trying to fill a hole in myself, and had nearly killed myself with alcohol by 45.

The part I want to share is what happened over the next 17 years that I did not understand except in retrospect. I didn't realize I wasn't able to work anymore. At 45 I had an awakening, declared bankruptcy, realized my life as I was living it was bankrupt, and began putting one foot in front of the other as best as I was able. Each year I made less and less money, until 55 when I was no longer able to work. Social Security would not approve me for disability on mental grounds because I could not afford to hire competent professionals to represent me, and was just too disorganized to figure anything out. It was at 53 that I began to remember early abuse. I told my landlord and landlady what was happening (since I could not pay rent), they believed in me, and let me live rent free and utility free for 7 years. I helped out on the property as I was able. Food stamps fed me.

That is very condensed and does not include an enormous amount of panic, anxiety, depression, etc. At 62 my social security checks started and all is ok financially now.

What that 17 year period was for me was a period of detoxing from belief systems that no longer served me and were never valid for me anyway. I had just bought an enormous amount of capitalism and western culture that just isn't me. I just didn't know it wasn't me at the time. It took all those years of belief detoxification for me to get to where I am now. I am still working through massive abuse issues--I just began to remember the early sexual abuse and torture from my mother this year. However, I am substantially free of the constraints most people have in their lives, and have the mental time and space to process and integrate what is going on. It is tiny piece by tiny piece, but it is cumulative.

All I am saying is that in hindsight everything that happened to me was right on target purposeful and in my best interest. I just did not understand it at the time. And, since I did not understand it I went through some very rough times. I hope you are able to understand what is going on with you so you won't be so scared. My intention is to give you what support I can.

Wishing you peace and comfort,

Don

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#452826 - 11/07/13 11:07 PM Re: Wiped-out [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Thank you Don.

That buy-in to capitalism got me tricked too. I thought if I can win at that game, I can dominate the finish-line over those who ground me into dust as a child.

Right now, I can't even see straight through the depression fog. There are ghosts and creatures in that fog, all from my childhood and reactions to my childhood.

Unfortunately, I built an entire life in my targeted dreamland, and brought two new lives into it as well. Rolling-out of this free-fire zone seems unlikely now. Some day though, I'll attain my next dream. Probably living in an Airstream in the middle of the desert.

But for now. I'm wondering how I'm going to cover a lot of financial needs.

Still got that kidney for sale.
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