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#452736 - 11/06/13 11:45 PM Dead end memories
Hartdaddy Offline


Registered: 10/18/13
Posts: 13

I have been struggling with a recently uncovered memory, this happened when I was about 7 years old. I used to wander around the neighborhood quite a bit. One of the neighbors I used to frequent was a boy/man about 17yrs old, His name was Dale. I remember his father was gone (not sure where) and his mother worked a lot. I remember sitting on his couch watching the Flintstones, there was always a strong smell of over ripe banana's in the air. The only other memory I have of this house and Dale, I had to be gone before his mother came home from work.



Am I asking for trouble digging around this long forgotten memory? I guess it's possible that Dale was just this lonely guy who wanted a little company, or he was just trying to be a nice guy to some lonely kid. My gut tells me I already know the answer, or suspect I do. I have absolutely no proof/memory to support this suspicion other than it does not look good. Am I just being crazy?


Dave

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#452738 - 11/07/13 12:06 AM Re: Dead end memories [Re: Hartdaddy]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 827
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Dave,

The only thing I can do is share my own experiences. I have powerful internal messages. For the sake of this discussion, I'm going to call them "guardians." The reason for guardians is that is what they do. Now these guardians developed at a very early age for me, and their job was to GUARD me from remembering early experiences. The GUARDS believe I will not be able to remain psychically intact if I remember, as they believe the memory will be so traumatic that I will not survive it. These guards will use any means at their disposal to do their job. For me, they tell me I am: crazy, bad, dirty, deserve to be punished, deserve to be hurt, and on and on and on. These guards formed at a primitive point in my development, and they are very powerful.

Now, for me, I have come to learn that my memories are real for me. And, since I have joined MS I have found a great deal of support to suggest that I am indeed NOT crazy--that there are many, many people like me. This gives me a great deal of internal bolstering in dealing with the guards. It gives me a great deal of internal support and optimism that, with time, I can incrementally form a much more integrated ME.

My experience is that things come up when I am ready for them. That does not mean that I understand what is going on at the time and it does not mean that I do not get very, very scared at times. However, each time it happens I get a little more familiar with the process. And, each time it happens I clear out a tiny bit more of old damage.

Hang in there. You are in good company. There is nothing to rush. The guards may get a little hysterical. My experience is the guards do not make good decisions or come to conclusions that are healthy for me.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#452776 - 11/07/13 02:33 PM Re: Dead end memories [Re: Hartdaddy]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3516
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Don -

my suggestion is to not be too severe in your dismissal and condemnation of your guardians. they probly served a very good purpose when you were younger - to preserve your sanity and keep you functioning at a time when you could not fully grasp and deal with what had been done to you. coping mechanisms that work well when we are young - but need to be retired when we grow mature and strong enough to face the truth and grapple with it head on. the trouble is, we get accustomed to their presence and can retreat behind them and it delays our growth.

Dave -

my opinion only - but if your instincts tell you that something is there - chances are pretty good that you are right. i would not say that you are crazy - but i would say - be careful trying to force a memory to surface - and equally careful about trying to repress it if it does start to return. i know it is easier said than done - but try to let things unfold as it happens. the anxiety of digging too hard or trying vigorously to bury it can make it more painful to contend with.

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#452792 - 11/07/13 05:11 PM Re: Dead end memories [Re: Hartdaddy]
thepatient Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 29
Loc: USA
You should trust your intuition. A memory of a rather mundane childhood incident kept reemerging throughout my life, and for the life of me I couldn't understand its significance. It was accompanied later by a sense of impending danger. My intuition was starting to piece together things which made me realize it likely had a sinister aspect. I saw the film "Mysterious Skin" a few years ago, and while watching it that same eerie feeling crept up. I thought to myself, "Why does watching this feel familiar to me?". It wasn't until this year the memories came flooding back while I was deep into a substance addiction. They were in the form of flashbacks, and were almost too much to handle considering I seriously contemplated s**cide.

It might be good to have a therapist help you uncover this memory.


Edited by thepatient (11/07/13 05:12 PM)
_________________________
"Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one
Shine on upon the severed
Divided, I'm withering away
Shine on upon the many, light our way
Benevolent sun"

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#452800 - 11/07/13 08:06 PM Re: Dead end memories [Re: Hartdaddy]
Hartdaddy Offline


Registered: 10/18/13
Posts: 13
Years ago when I first began to deal with what happened to me, my T sent several weeks convincing me or helping me to see that as a defense mechanism I was making excuses for my perp. This was my way of not dealing with what happened to me. Excuses like, he didn't mean to hurt me, or he was young and just made a mistake, or bla bla bla bla. It took me a while to see that I would never be able to recover from something that never happened. I still fight that mind set, like am I making too much out of this past memory. I have a lot to think about. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and comments, it really helps to talk about it and get feedback.


Dave

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#452811 - 11/07/13 09:32 PM Re: Dead end memories [Re: Hartdaddy]
thepatient Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 29
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Hartdaddy
It took me a while to see that I would never be able to recover from something that never happened. I still fight that mind set, like am I making too much out of this past memory.


You will find that denial is something many of us fight with here. It could be a psychological defense-mechanism to keep intense emotions at bay, or it could be a component of the abuse you suffered. We can't tell you; you will have to figure this out for yourself.

Good luck, brother.
_________________________
"Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one
Shine on upon the severed
Divided, I'm withering away
Shine on upon the many, light our way
Benevolent sun"

Top
#452823 - 11/07/13 10:27 PM Re: Dead end memories [Re: Hartdaddy]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 827
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Good luck Dave. I hope you are able to be gentle with yourself. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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