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#452784 - 11/07/13 03:14 PM What did I know **TRIGGERS**
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
**Triggers**
My mother, my stepfather and my 13 year old neice are all on a vacation to Los Angeles/San Diego for the week. My stepfathers friend was in a band with Tonight Show band leader Rickey Minor. So he got them VIP tickets to the Tonight Show. I of course watched the show last night, seeing if I would catch a glimpse of them. Of course, the show had a couple references to oral sex and more than several mentions of penis. This of course triggered me and my feelings of culpability with my brother during the the abuse. I was 13 he was 16 1/2. What did I know?? What should I have known?? All triggers that creep back in.

Somedays I'd really like to have more detail about what happened but some people who do tell me I'm lucky
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#452787 - 11/07/13 04:05 PM Re: What did I know **TRIGGERS** [Re: onlyakid]
Moreorless Offline


Registered: 10/07/13
Posts: 21
Loc: Pittsburgh
This happens to me when I'm watching movies or tv as well...

My last trigger from a movie is what made me seek out this group.

I was watching a movie called, "Shame," because it had one of my favorite actors, Michael Fassbender, in it.

I remember slamming my laptop's screen closed and saying outloud, "well this is a stupid fucking movie and I'm wasting my time watching this garbage..."

Whenever I have a reaction like that - I always seek deeper to inquire the reasons behind it.

The thing about, "What did I know??," and, "What should I have known??," is often where we get trapped, isn't it?

We knew exactly what we should have known and we did exactly what we should have. That was all.

If we say we should have or should have not done this or that - we're applying the understanding that we have now to ourselves, who didn't have our understanding, then.

Maybe this will come across as cold considering we you, me, us, we are all here for but - I believe that the only things that shouldn't have happened did not happen.

Or else, I wouldn't be the man I am, proudly, growing into.

Remember the wisdom of Tyler Durden when he said, "I say: may I never be complete. I say: may I never be content." If we were content, if we were complete individuals - we would have not reason to seek out self improvement, self empowerment.

We would have had no reason to seek out eachother here and stand as great supports for each other.

Sometimes I think my responses grow rather long, I apologize - I am wordy.

Perhaps I meant to say, I know that feeling my friend - I feel it too.
_________________________
"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen

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#452840 - 11/08/13 12:52 AM Re: What did I know **TRIGGERS** [Re: Moreorless]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Originally Posted By: Moreorless

The thing about, "What did I know??," and, "What should I have known??," is often where we get trapped, isn't it?

We knew exactly what we should have known and we did exactly what we should have. That was all.

If we say we should have or should have not done this or that - we're applying the understanding that we have now to ourselves, who didn't have our understanding, then.


I just have to keep reminding myself of that but it always seems to creep back in and cause doubt. That is the reason for my screenname, I have to keep reminding myself that at 13 I was only a kid.

Thank you for your response its good to know I'm not alone.
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#452850 - 11/08/13 05:32 AM Re: What did I know **TRIGGERS** [Re: onlyakid]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 828
Loc: Ohio
***Trigger warning****

It's funny how far this dynamic can go. In the worst of my abuse, my brother and I were held by a grown man in the mountains with his own isolated farm. After 30 years of repression,the memories came back. So I was at a loss to explain why an 8 year old boy did not protect himself against a psycho pedo who was a former army sergeant armed with guns and knives. Don't you realize that males, even boys, are able to protect themselves?

Boy does that sound like some dumb thinking as I write it, but it is what I felt. I really had to have a gentle, patient therapist walk me through my options and abilities as an 8 year old. Only then did I realize that my obedience and seemingly willing (alternative was being strangled or gutted with a hunting knife) actions "allowing" the abuse were actually quite clever and brave in doing what I had to do to survive.

Even with less violent abuse, how much more knowledge of the world in general and sex in particular does a 16yo have than a 13 yo? It is easier for you to fall into that trap in a way, even though it is no less false in either scenario.
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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