Newest Members
rhyoung, Jefferson22, OxfordArms, Anony_mous, Drew6991x
12367 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
rpalm06 (46)
Who's Online
7 registered (OxfordArms, JW1230, 4 invisible), 17 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12367 Members
74 Forums
63558 Topics
444056 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#452675 - 11/06/13 01:00 PM New and trying to figure out what to do now
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
mY BF of a year (but good friends for 13) who i so love and adore just told me that he was SA by an older sibling. The words came out because i questioned yet again why he doesn't talk to certain family members.This was 3 weeks ago. Immediately he would not let me hold him and told me that we could never be intimate again. He only told one other person (ex wife) and then he could never be with her either so he says it will be the same now.
So here I am feeling helpless and hopeless. He will not go to therapy.The ex sent him to a marriage counseler. I spent one session with a specialist in this area. He doesnt want to talk about it and i can't tell anyone. he broke up with me twice becuase he says i will need intimacy. I've learned not to push the therapy/talk. I am very hurt for him and sad sad sad. As of last week he says he will try babysteps with me because he loves me but i can tell he is doubting. He will hold my hand and let me give a little smooch but sometimes he tenses up and then i feel totally rejected. What does it mean when he says he doesn't see me the same way now that i know??? He can't answer that. How is it that we had a wonderful sex life and now its destroyed over this admission? I thought it would make us stronger. I accept him and actually admire him more.help

Top
#452677 - 11/06/13 01:36 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 696
Loc: NJ
Hi Christie - you have found people who can understand your situation.

Survivors that come to this board will be able to best explain this to you - and if you read old posts here, you will see that this is common.

It makes sense to me that WHEN YOU DIDN'T KNOW, he could protect himself by creating an image of himself - and now that you know, he's very worried that you will think less of him. All over these boards are men who worry the same thing everyday - and all over these boards are spouses/supporters who don't think less, but rather MORE of the man they love.

When you say, "I thought it would make us stronger" - you may actually be right - because what is true intimacy without honesty? But he's in a different place now and can't see that - and can't see that you would admire him and still love him and still be attracted to him.

I might recommend being patient with any physical needs while consistently speaking the message that you don't see him any differently. Only time will tell.

Top
#452679 - 11/06/13 01:37 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
Rich918 Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 45

Top
#452680 - 11/06/13 01:46 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: Esposa]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Thanks Esposa. He won't let me talk about "it" but sometimes he will let me talk about "us" which is very difficult when you can't talk about "it". Then i break down and cry and then I feel guilty that it is creating to much pressure on him. So i wrote him a letter, direct and to the point.I told him how much i love, respect and admire him and that i would be patient and for him not to worry about my needs while we work through this. And that he should trust me. I asked him to try to stop saying the phrases "its weird" "i see you differently now" and when he thinks them or wants to say them, to think about something that was intimate about us - but not "the act." just us being close and having fun.
I just miss being close, i'm not worried about the sexual part right now but a kiss or a hug sure goes along way to let me know that he isn't ruling anything out and is willing to work on this. i dont feel that way right now and it scares the daylights out of me.

Top
#452683 - 11/06/13 01:50 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Sibling Incest is a tough situation….So much secrecy and weight of the family health sits on the shoulders of the survivor…as well as a lot of family guilt.

You don't say, nor am I asking if it was a brother or sister as they both have their own issues and complications. The feeling I'm getting is that is was his sister, and it can really skews the view of romantic interludes. While culture and society are still working through how damaging Female/male abuse is, we here know how truly damaging it can be.

I suspect, and only from what you write, that he is filled with shame and hurt and thinks you don't see him in the same light as when he was holding the perps secret….and/or he is now triggered by intimacy with females who know the truth.

While very hard not to feel rejected, please know its really not "you" but the situation.

While none of this really answers your question, I suggest you go gently and try to reassure him that you don't see him with different eyes. It might take him a while to feel comfortable, but go with those baby steps.

Ken Singer always said this is not a DIY project, and I totally believe that but you can't force healing. Comsider reading and gently talking about the myths of abuse that keep so many men silent and in pain.

Please honor his request to keep it to yourself ...as survivors we lost so much control through abuse, and telling/not telling our story is a way to regain that control.

I hope you both find healing and he's able to get to T at some point on his journey. I don't know if he knows about us at MS, but i assure you many men have been where he is and can understand what he's going through, if you can get him here. Many survivors of sibling incest of both sexes here.

Good luck.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
#452684 - 11/06/13 01:57 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: Rich918]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Thanks Rich, fortunately i didn't and wouldn't have said anything from the what not to say list. Unfortunately though my immediate response upon disclosure was to go for the hug and i got an immediate shout of dont touch me. However, within days, he let me hug him. He doesnt seem opposed to hand holding though and quick kisses. The other unfortunate part is that i really didn't know how this affects those that have suffered. With in a few days, we tried to be intimate (as we both wanted) and it ended with him being ill. Now I know the extent and that was way too soon for both of us.
Do you all think that i shouldn't even hand hold or give the good morning smooch? He says he is comfortable with it. I just feel like i need to keep that door open but i am really depending on advice i get from here.

Top
#452686 - 11/06/13 02:17 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
Rich918 Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 45
I'm sure that he is aware that you are at a disadvantage. He knows how others interact, but he doesnt seem to recognize a confidence to accept it for himself. Both of you can learn from each other and strive to understand each others boundaries and not belittle such boundaries in any manner... take them quite seriously. Thats what intimacy is all about.

Holding hands and morning smooches may be what you are used to, he cannot fault you for that. But now, in knowing that its his discomfort, you can act appropriately. It may seem counter-intuitive, but its not the act itself (or deliberate inaction) which proves your affections, but the reasons behind them. If you make an effort to refrain from it, then he knows that he is important to you.

Top
#452688 - 11/06/13 02:18 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: Castle]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Castle, it was the brother who moved onto little sister. BF only found that out a few years back and went to mom who rejected it all.BF has lots of guilt over sister. Thats all the details i know. He never wants to talk about it again and wants it under the rug. I told him i went to a specialist in this and some of the things she said and I mentioned this website before i got the no talk about it order.
There is no doubt he is feeling shame as he told me that the reason i can't tell anyone is that he needs to be able to hold his head up high and look people in the eyes. So if he doesn't want to get help, what can i do? i have repeatedly assured him that i accept him, admire, respect, love, adore and that i really want the intimacy back when he is ready.But i just read a really discouraging comment that "you cannot wake someone who is sleeping. You cannot make someone hear ayou and believe you when you tell them these things..."

Top
#452689 - 11/06/13 02:26 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
Rich918 Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 45
Originally Posted By: christie1013
"you cannot wake someone who is sleeping. You cannot make someone hear ayou and believe you when you tell them these things..."


Perhaps not, but you can say it over and over and over until he does believe it. Many years ago, I read an article about a tribe in Africa which would go out and select a specific tree. The villagers would gather round it each day and scream at it. Over and over and over again, they would do the same thing each day until finally the tree would wither and die.

The opposite is also true. Scientists have talked to plants in a loving way, played sweet music before them and they have fared much better and grew more robust than plant not subject to such things.

If plants, having no consciousness, can react in such a way, then human beings, having a complex consciousness and subconsciousness, shall surely benefit all the more.


Edited by Rich918 (11/06/13 02:27 PM)

Top
#452698 - 11/06/13 03:20 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: Rich918]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Rich, I whole heartedly believe in what you said. It is hard not to get discouraged though when you see a comment like that. When i wrote the letter to him, I made it as positive as I could possibly make it. I know that he has read it several times. I talked to him about practicing daily affirmations as I believe in those as well. He said he would give it a try but how would I know. I think he thinks its BS.

Top
#452700 - 11/06/13 03:35 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Taking my toys, and heading home.


Edited by Castle (12/18/13 07:38 PM)
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
#452701 - 11/06/13 03:38 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 261
Loc: us
Hey christine.
My question is does he like hugs and hand holding or does he just tolerate it for your sake? I have a friend that after disclosure went through a period of not wanting any touch at all by anyone. I think during this time the abuse was so far on the suface that any touch caused a negative reaction. If that is how he feels it may be best to just be hands off for awhile.
For me people who tried to push intimacy during my own "hands off phase" risked being lumped into the abuser box in my mind. Not because they did anything worng just because any touch sent my brain into panic mode. Getting angry or sick to my stomach was a common feeling when someone just wanted a hug from me. I didn't like that I reacted this way but I couldn't help it for a long time. I knew it wasn't normal and it was humilating when people would ask why I tensed up when they would hug me.
Each survivor is different though. And how they feel about touch changes through the healing process. IMHO it very important to honor whatever physical boundries they have along the way.
Perhaps you could look at this time as a great time to focus on building non-physical areas of your bond. There are a lot of things you guys can share deeply about that aren't dealing with the csa. Maybe try new hobbies together. Cook new foods. Go out in nature and hike. Etc.
With my H he bonds through working together so we find projects and build and fix together. Its creates a safe closeness for him that we both enjoy. We also go rock climbing and canoeing. I've learned that if I let him share to the degree he feels comfortable and don't question him we both feel a lot better.
Its a slow process and one that will teach a lot of patience. I know its hard but don't take the rejection personally it really isn't about you at all. To me it sounds like what your man may need right now is someone to love and validate his worth outside of physical intimacy. Someone to help him see his value. Someone to accept where he is at and just be a friend who is okay with letting the dust settle for awhile.
Good luck and peace.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

Top
#452702 - 11/06/13 03:39 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 728
Loc: NJ
Taking my toys, and heading home.


Edited by Castle (12/18/13 07:38 PM)
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

Top
#452728 - 11/06/13 09:30 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: Castle]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Castle, i wish i could say five thousand times a day that it was not his fault but he never wants me to talk about it. At all. I would do that a hundred times over. There is no hope of dealing with the mother, she was also physically abusive but only to him. Not the other siblings. Makes me so sick. He is such a wonderful fun loving extremely smart very attractive and sexy man. I adore him with all my being. He has recently told me that the fun part is an act. So admire him.

Top
#452774 - 11/07/13 01:21 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: Castle]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
I'm very positive that he understands that I believe him. And I'm pretty sure I made him understand that i accept him and my feelings haven't changed and i don't see him in a different light. He is the one saying he doesn't see me the same way now.???
As to the hand holding, hugging etc. It doesn't make him uncomfortable (thats what he says)but maybe he is just going through the motion.It certainly doesn't make him ill. We had a nice date night last Saturday and he kissed me - a romantic kiss. I was so happy. But come Monday, distance, again. I think tonight i am just going to rephrase and ask him if he would rather i not hand hold etc for a while.
I'm glad i found this site. I wish i could get him to go on. I appreciate everyone's advice because i just feel so hurt confused hopeless helpless anger (at the brother) and despair that i am going to lose him. I"m not worried about sex but I am worried that he is going to check out his needs elsewhere.

Top
#452870 - 11/08/13 09:34 AM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
I'm going to take a pessimistic view for a moment. Bear with me. There is a possibility that the intimacy is just for you. That he doesn't like it. That when it was good it worked only because he dissassociated from it. That he won't genuinely want it ever. Especially if he refuses to get help. See yourself in that situation for a moment. Make a conscious decision whether you can live with that. I think your answer right now will be a resounding YES. And that's good. But keep yourself in mind. It is easy to lose yourself and your own health over the intensity of a survivor's challenges. And in the long run it doesn't help either of you. It's good that you come here to post. That takes some pressure off. If you need to talk to a professional, don't hesitate to find help for yourself. Just - take good care of yourself.

Top
#452928 - 11/08/13 01:33 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: HopeDiesLast]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Just trying to clarify, are you saying that what is happening now (which is only hand holding, little kisses) is just for me and that he doesn't really like it or are your going back to when we had a normal sexual relationship? If its now, i occasionally have asked if he is comfortable with the hand holding etc and he seems to be. If you are referring to when we had a normal sexual relationship, i think it would be pretty hard to disassociate without me noticing something. Dont want to get into to much detail but both us agreed that this was by far the best connection that we have ever experienced. I never noticed anything "out of sort" but i will say that i probably initiated more but he always seemed fine with it he always laughed tht he never needed to beg. lol. of course i regret that now but i didnt know. From the get go, he has always been a very loving compassionate man. Never any issue with showing affection. The only other thing i noticed is that while he has tons of friends and everyone loves him, I am probably his only close friend. What does all that mean - i have no clue, i am at a complete loss and didn't realize the depth of this all until i came to this website.
I really do believe that his one experience to the therapist resulted in his it didn't help me one bit attitude. But again, it was a marriage counselor.

Top
#452929 - 11/08/13 01:40 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
One other thing and this is to all - I am very new to this and I dont mean to upset anyone if something I say sets off a bad feeling for someone else, survivor or partner. That certainly isn't my intent.

Top
#453009 - 11/09/13 01:07 AM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 696
Loc: NJ
Discouraging is par for the course for a supporter of a survivor who is not in recovery. Sorry. I sound jaded. But regardless of what you say or write, you will not be the solution. All of us thought early on that we could be part of the solution, or that we could nurture the solution. I remember feeling very inspired by survivors talking about how important it was that I was standing by my man. The reality is that we are NEVER the solution. Our boundaries, our limits, our needs - they become operating guidelines for our lives - and, if our partners are ready, they can also help them learn what will and won't be tolerated in the relationship. But true healing is organic.

Your boyfriend has to realize that losing you is worst than facing his demons. For him to realize that, you have to have a specific stance, one where you are very certain of your needs - and one where you communicate consistently and in a trust worthy fashion. Unfortunately, running around after a person who is not in recovery is the exact opposite. I have been in this exact position - I have spent hours trying to tell him the right things - it doesn't happen that way though, because the more invested you are in his healing, the less invested he has to be. And trust me, it's only real when it is his.

Top
#453032 - 11/09/13 08:49 AM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: Esposa]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
I get it now Esposa. Thank you. I posted a reply on the other thread of can he recover without therapy. So i would in fact appreciate any further advice. Your post finally made me realize that i was doing alot of things wrong.

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.