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#452700 - 11/06/13 03:35 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 731
Loc: NJ
Taking my toys, and heading home.


Edited by Castle (12/18/13 07:38 PM)
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#452701 - 11/06/13 03:38 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
Hey christine.
My question is does he like hugs and hand holding or does he just tolerate it for your sake? I have a friend that after disclosure went through a period of not wanting any touch at all by anyone. I think during this time the abuse was so far on the suface that any touch caused a negative reaction. If that is how he feels it may be best to just be hands off for awhile.
For me people who tried to push intimacy during my own "hands off phase" risked being lumped into the abuser box in my mind. Not because they did anything worng just because any touch sent my brain into panic mode. Getting angry or sick to my stomach was a common feeling when someone just wanted a hug from me. I didn't like that I reacted this way but I couldn't help it for a long time. I knew it wasn't normal and it was humilating when people would ask why I tensed up when they would hug me.
Each survivor is different though. And how they feel about touch changes through the healing process. IMHO it very important to honor whatever physical boundries they have along the way.
Perhaps you could look at this time as a great time to focus on building non-physical areas of your bond. There are a lot of things you guys can share deeply about that aren't dealing with the csa. Maybe try new hobbies together. Cook new foods. Go out in nature and hike. Etc.
With my H he bonds through working together so we find projects and build and fix together. Its creates a safe closeness for him that we both enjoy. We also go rock climbing and canoeing. I've learned that if I let him share to the degree he feels comfortable and don't question him we both feel a lot better.
Its a slow process and one that will teach a lot of patience. I know its hard but don't take the rejection personally it really isn't about you at all. To me it sounds like what your man may need right now is someone to love and validate his worth outside of physical intimacy. Someone to help him see his value. Someone to accept where he is at and just be a friend who is okay with letting the dust settle for awhile.
Good luck and peace.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#452702 - 11/06/13 03:39 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 731
Loc: NJ
Taking my toys, and heading home.


Edited by Castle (12/18/13 07:38 PM)
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#452728 - 11/06/13 09:30 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: Castle]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Castle, i wish i could say five thousand times a day that it was not his fault but he never wants me to talk about it. At all. I would do that a hundred times over. There is no hope of dealing with the mother, she was also physically abusive but only to him. Not the other siblings. Makes me so sick. He is such a wonderful fun loving extremely smart very attractive and sexy man. I adore him with all my being. He has recently told me that the fun part is an act. So admire him.

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#452774 - 11/07/13 01:21 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: Castle]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
I'm very positive that he understands that I believe him. And I'm pretty sure I made him understand that i accept him and my feelings haven't changed and i don't see him in a different light. He is the one saying he doesn't see me the same way now.???
As to the hand holding, hugging etc. It doesn't make him uncomfortable (thats what he says)but maybe he is just going through the motion.It certainly doesn't make him ill. We had a nice date night last Saturday and he kissed me - a romantic kiss. I was so happy. But come Monday, distance, again. I think tonight i am just going to rephrase and ask him if he would rather i not hand hold etc for a while.
I'm glad i found this site. I wish i could get him to go on. I appreciate everyone's advice because i just feel so hurt confused hopeless helpless anger (at the brother) and despair that i am going to lose him. I"m not worried about sex but I am worried that he is going to check out his needs elsewhere.

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#452870 - 11/08/13 09:34 AM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
HopeDiesLast Offline


Registered: 01/15/13
Posts: 62
I'm going to take a pessimistic view for a moment. Bear with me. There is a possibility that the intimacy is just for you. That he doesn't like it. That when it was good it worked only because he dissassociated from it. That he won't genuinely want it ever. Especially if he refuses to get help. See yourself in that situation for a moment. Make a conscious decision whether you can live with that. I think your answer right now will be a resounding YES. And that's good. But keep yourself in mind. It is easy to lose yourself and your own health over the intensity of a survivor's challenges. And in the long run it doesn't help either of you. It's good that you come here to post. That takes some pressure off. If you need to talk to a professional, don't hesitate to find help for yourself. Just - take good care of yourself.

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#452928 - 11/08/13 01:33 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: HopeDiesLast]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
Just trying to clarify, are you saying that what is happening now (which is only hand holding, little kisses) is just for me and that he doesn't really like it or are your going back to when we had a normal sexual relationship? If its now, i occasionally have asked if he is comfortable with the hand holding etc and he seems to be. If you are referring to when we had a normal sexual relationship, i think it would be pretty hard to disassociate without me noticing something. Dont want to get into to much detail but both us agreed that this was by far the best connection that we have ever experienced. I never noticed anything "out of sort" but i will say that i probably initiated more but he always seemed fine with it he always laughed tht he never needed to beg. lol. of course i regret that now but i didnt know. From the get go, he has always been a very loving compassionate man. Never any issue with showing affection. The only other thing i noticed is that while he has tons of friends and everyone loves him, I am probably his only close friend. What does all that mean - i have no clue, i am at a complete loss and didn't realize the depth of this all until i came to this website.
I really do believe that his one experience to the therapist resulted in his it didn't help me one bit attitude. But again, it was a marriage counselor.

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#452929 - 11/08/13 01:40 PM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
One other thing and this is to all - I am very new to this and I dont mean to upset anyone if something I say sets off a bad feeling for someone else, survivor or partner. That certainly isn't my intent.

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#453009 - 11/09/13 01:07 AM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: christie1013]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 707
Loc: NJ
Discouraging is par for the course for a supporter of a survivor who is not in recovery. Sorry. I sound jaded. But regardless of what you say or write, you will not be the solution. All of us thought early on that we could be part of the solution, or that we could nurture the solution. I remember feeling very inspired by survivors talking about how important it was that I was standing by my man. The reality is that we are NEVER the solution. Our boundaries, our limits, our needs - they become operating guidelines for our lives - and, if our partners are ready, they can also help them learn what will and won't be tolerated in the relationship. But true healing is organic.

Your boyfriend has to realize that losing you is worst than facing his demons. For him to realize that, you have to have a specific stance, one where you are very certain of your needs - and one where you communicate consistently and in a trust worthy fashion. Unfortunately, running around after a person who is not in recovery is the exact opposite. I have been in this exact position - I have spent hours trying to tell him the right things - it doesn't happen that way though, because the more invested you are in his healing, the less invested he has to be. And trust me, it's only real when it is his.

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#453032 - 11/09/13 08:49 AM Re: New and trying to figure out what to do now [Re: Esposa]
christie1013 Offline


Registered: 11/06/13
Posts: 31
I get it now Esposa. Thank you. I posted a reply on the other thread of can he recover without therapy. So i would in fact appreciate any further advice. Your post finally made me realize that i was doing alot of things wrong.

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