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#452561 - 11/05/13 01:55 PM My Dog Died Last Night
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
I took her right off the street in a rough part of town and made her my own. I don't know what killed her but I kind of suspect it was cancer. She was nine and she's being cremated.

I was mean to her in her youth. I hit her when she didn't obey, and it left her scarred before I even realized the damage I was causing. I changed my ways and was gentle with her when I saw the effects of it, but my own PTSD driven rage left her with her own scars.

Once the damage was visible, I couldn't reverse it no matter how desperately I wanted to. All I could do was give her lots of treats, pats, car rides, and remain extremely loyal to her throughout her life. She knew I loved her. I sincerely hope she knew I regretted what I'd done. And now Lucy's dead, age nine of natural causes. I just wish I could have figured out a way to repair the damage. I loved her but I wasn't worthy of her. There will always be a part of me that fucking hates myself for what I did to a good dog. It will haunt me the rest of my life.


Edited by InsideTheWall (11/05/13 02:01 PM)

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#452566 - 11/05/13 02:17 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1305
The Iroquois Indians ascribe certain traits to certain animals. The wolf - from which has descended the dog - is regarded as a teacher. I can think of no better tribute to Lucy than what you have written. She taught you something, and you have told us what you learned.

I am so sorry - losing a pet is losing a vulnerable soul left in our charge. It doesn't take much to imagine how deeply that resonates with a bunch of CSA survivors. And though she has left you to continue the rest of your life without her, she'll always be honored by the things she taught you - the things you take to heart.

My deepest sympathies.
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#452569 - 11/05/13 02:56 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
Thats the most beautiful and insightful comment I could have imagined, and the first to bring me any real comfort. Thank you.


Edited by InsideTheWall (11/05/13 03:05 PM)

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#452571 - 11/05/13 03:17 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 154
Loc: Virginia
Hi Inside,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! I can't improve on the comments you've already received, but just know I feel your loss as well. I can tell that, even if there were moments you would have handled differently, you loved her well. I have no doubt she knew it too.

Take care.

Bob
_________________________
Don't let "three steps forward and two steps back" bother you. Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#452572 - 11/05/13 03:33 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
Banjo596 Offline


Registered: 08/20/13
Posts: 42
Loc: Ohio
My condolences. Losing a beloved pet is very hard, one of the harder things in life I have done.
Please be as gentle on yourself as she, so pure of heart, would hope for you to be.
_________________________
Jeff

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#452586 - 11/05/13 05:28 PM ! [Re: InsideTheWall]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 10:28 PM)

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#452617 - 11/05/13 09:48 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1096
Loc: The ATL
Hi ITW. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and I feel your pain. I've lost pets in the past few years and I know how it hurts to loose a furry companion. You will never forget what Lucy taught you, partly because the lessons that stay with us the longest and strongest are the most painful ones we've learned. Now that you've learned those lessons and can move forward with them, I hope you can one day learn to forgive yourself for the actions that taught you those lessons. Keeping in mind that self forgiveness doesn't mean accepting that what happened was ok, it means accepting that you can not change the past and letting go of shame that can hold you back from moving forward. I'm sure Lucy forgives you and would have you forgive yourself if she had a say in the matter. Peace,

Ken

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#452628 - 11/06/13 01:42 AM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
ITW,
I'm sorry to hear that you lost your friend, as you admit you made some mistakes early on, but in the end you were there for her and she in the end was there for you. I've never had pets, but from what I'm told there is a theraputic value. A value of unconditional love.
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#452638 - 11/06/13 04:47 AM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
Itw I'm really sorry to hear this. Jess was a bull terrier cross who was with me literally from the age of 13 for 14 years, (almost half my life), she died four years ago and I still miss her. She had a distinctly definite personality and I learnt a lot, indeed I have sometimes wondered if it was Jess who kept me sane through my abuse.

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#452681 - 11/06/13 01:47 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 280
Well, I finally got hired in my field today. Been trying for a year now and it finally happened. I sought this work so I could be more independent and take care of Lucy in her old age, and she died two days before I found the job. A horribly bitter victory.


Edited by InsideTheWall (11/06/13 01:49 PM)

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