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#452561 - 11/05/13 01:55 PM My Dog Died Last Night
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 289
I took her right off the street in a rough part of town and made her my own. I don't know what killed her but I kind of suspect it was cancer. She was nine and she's being cremated.

I was mean to her in her youth. I hit her when she didn't obey, and it left her scarred before I even realized the damage I was causing. I changed my ways and was gentle with her when I saw the effects of it, but my own PTSD driven rage left her with her own scars.

Once the damage was visible, I couldn't reverse it no matter how desperately I wanted to. All I could do was give her lots of treats, pats, car rides, and remain extremely loyal to her throughout her life. She knew I loved her. I sincerely hope she knew I regretted what I'd done. And now Lucy's dead, age nine of natural causes. I just wish I could have figured out a way to repair the damage. I loved her but I wasn't worthy of her. There will always be a part of me that fucking hates myself for what I did to a good dog. It will haunt me the rest of my life.


Edited by InsideTheWall (11/05/13 02:01 PM)

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#452566 - 11/05/13 02:17 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1486
The Iroquois Indians ascribe certain traits to certain animals. The wolf - from which has descended the dog - is regarded as a teacher. I can think of no better tribute to Lucy than what you have written. She taught you something, and you have told us what you learned.

I am so sorry - losing a pet is losing a vulnerable soul left in our charge. It doesn't take much to imagine how deeply that resonates with a bunch of CSA survivors. And though she has left you to continue the rest of your life without her, she'll always be honored by the things she taught you - the things you take to heart.

My deepest sympathies.
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Eirik




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#452569 - 11/05/13 02:56 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 289
Thats the most beautiful and insightful comment I could have imagined, and the first to bring me any real comfort. Thank you.


Edited by InsideTheWall (11/05/13 03:05 PM)

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#452571 - 11/05/13 03:17 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
gettingstronger Online   content


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 191
Loc: Virginia
Hi Inside,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! I can't improve on the comments you've already received, but just know I feel your loss as well. I can tell that, even if there were moments you would have handled differently, you loved her well. I have no doubt she knew it too.

Take care.

Bob
_________________________
Never worry about "three steps forward and two steps back." Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#452572 - 11/05/13 03:33 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
Banjo596 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/20/13
Posts: 44
Loc: Ohio
My condolences. Losing a beloved pet is very hard, one of the harder things in life I have done.
Please be as gentle on yourself as she, so pure of heart, would hope for you to be.
_________________________
Jeff

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#452586 - 11/05/13 05:28 PM ! [Re: InsideTheWall]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 10:28 PM)

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#452617 - 11/05/13 09:48 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1147
Loc: The ATL
Hi ITW. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and I feel your pain. I've lost pets in the past few years and I know how it hurts to loose a furry companion. You will never forget what Lucy taught you, partly because the lessons that stay with us the longest and strongest are the most painful ones we've learned. Now that you've learned those lessons and can move forward with them, I hope you can one day learn to forgive yourself for the actions that taught you those lessons. Keeping in mind that self forgiveness doesn't mean accepting that what happened was ok, it means accepting that you can not change the past and letting go of shame that can hold you back from moving forward. I'm sure Lucy forgives you and would have you forgive yourself if she had a say in the matter. Peace,

Ken

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#452628 - 11/06/13 01:42 AM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
ITW,
I'm sorry to hear that you lost your friend, as you admit you made some mistakes early on, but in the end you were there for her and she in the end was there for you. I've never had pets, but from what I'm told there is a theraputic value. A value of unconditional love.
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

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"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#452638 - 11/06/13 04:47 AM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Itw I'm really sorry to hear this. Jess was a bull terrier cross who was with me literally from the age of 13 for 14 years, (almost half my life), she died four years ago and I still miss her. She had a distinctly definite personality and I learnt a lot, indeed I have sometimes wondered if it was Jess who kept me sane through my abuse.

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#452681 - 11/06/13 01:47 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 289
Well, I finally got hired in my field today. Been trying for a year now and it finally happened. I sought this work so I could be more independent and take care of Lucy in her old age, and she died two days before I found the job. A horribly bitter victory.


Edited by InsideTheWall (11/06/13 01:49 PM)

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#452687 - 11/06/13 02:18 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
Chase Eric Offline
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Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1486
{{{InsideTheWall}}}
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Eirik




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#452695 - 11/06/13 03:07 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 256
Loc: Southeast US
It's been more than ten years since my dog died, and I feel sometime that he's still at my feet when I'm at the computer. He was the greatest Golden Retriever ever, and it seems a part of my heart and soul was taken when his pain got so bad that he had to be put down. So I know some of the extreme anguish and sorrow you must feel to have lost Lucy at any time but especially now.

I certainly can't speak for her or know her thoughts, but I would bet anything that Lucy would want you to celebrate and revel in the new job, something that both of you have been trying to get for the last year. And being familiar with the unconditional love that only a dog can have, I'm sure she would want you to take it easy on yourself on the guilt thing.

My thoughts are with you in this bitter sweet time.

CJ
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#452707 - 11/06/13 04:24 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 289
I'm making plans to adopt another dog within a few months. Its like I'm missing an arm or something and I just can't stand it. I won't make the same mistake again. This one will never once see me angry. Seeing the damage I caused Lucy killed me a bit inside every day for the rest of her life. Please people, be kind to animals. I learned that lesson the hardest way imaginable.

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#452711 - 11/06/13 04:39 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 440
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: InsideTheWall
All I could do was give her lots of treats, pats, car rides, and remain extremely loyal to her throughout her life. She knew I loved her. I sincerely hope she knew I regretted what I'd done. And now Lucy's dead, age nine of natural causes. I just wish I could have figured out a way to repair the damage. I loved her but I wasn't worthy of her. There will always be a part of me that fucking hates myself for what I did to a good dog. It will haunt me the rest of my life.


Dogs love easily and forgive easily. What you "did" was stop the bad and start something good for her. From what you wrote, I believe she knew that and loved you in return.

I'm better sometimes with animals then people, maybe because I think they really do love us without conditions. I also think they are very smart. Maybe she just knew when to give you your space, and when to be there for you. "She knew I loved her" as you said, remember that and remember too all of the good things like the treats, pats, car rides and loyalty. All of those count for a lot! I'm sorry too for your loss. I lost my parrot last fall and it took a while to get used to the quiet, but he's alive inside me.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#452743 - 11/07/13 02:15 AM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Oh man, ITW, I can relate to all this...especially not feeling worthy.

For one, I had a beautiful lab at the time of the home abuse and the CSA. And, as a kid, the only way I could deal was to act out by kicking her over and over. Still tears at my heart today and I don't know I'll ever get over it. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but that's 100% me. As Buffalo mentioned, at least dogs love unconditionally.

For another, I feel unworthy of Ricky, my feline companion of 16˝ years who I lost in mid-Aug. He was going blind, became disoriented and drowned in a neighbor's pool. He was the last of his feline "family"...a bunch of cats who lived together for years.

I was torn between letting him go out and hunt/sun himself as he always had or keeping him inside. Until then, he'd always stayed on the property because he seemed to have the non-visual navigation clues down pat. I learned after the fact, that there are (expensive) ways to treat blindness if it hasn't progressed too far. As I've done with myself, I gave up. Honestly, I hate myself for it. I don't know that I'll get over it. I feel like I failed to protect and responsibly care for him.

After his death, I did some volunteer work and cat fostering with a local shelter (one girl in particular who'd been on IVs and meds). And - I'm still not sure this was the right thing for me to do considering my history - I was eventually smitten a few weeks ago by a pair of cats who are like brothers despite their age diff. Their interaction is very similar to that of Ricky and his older "brother" who I lost several years ago. They get loads of affection, attention and care, help me get out of myself, respond to me in ways they never did in the shelter...but I still wonder if I'm worthy of them.

(I was depressed tonite with several days' bad reactions to the meds, put myself to bed and, for the first time, Nero suddenly lay down on the pillow next to me, laid both big, warm paws on my hand and went to sleep).

Longer than I'd expected to post but, yeah, I get it. Despite the job success, I'm sorry for what you're experiencing.

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#452748 - 11/07/13 04:19 AM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Well Itf, getting another dog might be an idea eventually, but bare in mind as with people dogs take time.

After Jess died I didn't want another dog, I just wanted jess back. However practical concerns dictated me going on the list to apply for a guide dog. My mum has one, my gran had six, I'm quite aware of all the bennifits they have, (indeed it was having Jess that was the only reason I didn't get one earlier since she would not have tollerated another dog around me at all), however I really! didn't want another dog.

Two years ago my name came up, and I was presented with Reever. Guide dog training in the Uk is pretty harsh, your literally locked up for 24 hours a day and not allowed out accept! with your dog. Guide dogs also actually have a pretty hard time since they're moved from their puppy walker foster family at 18 months, to a training center, then to a boarders, then to a dog selection unit. Despite the fact i definitely! get on with dogs extremely well, Reever was simply not interested in me at all, I'd go to stroke her and she turned round and walked off, all she wanted was her trainer, and since I'd just been kicked out of yet another light opera production at the time I was pretty much not happy myself either. That was a dam hard month!"

Funnily enough the thing that fixed this was doing something which the guide dog association told me not to, letting reever up on the settae while I'm sitting and reading, curled up on my feet. That really sorted it and now we're extremely close, indeed she's with me literally 24 hours a day 7 days a week and is quite responsable for my actual physical safety.

One especially ironic thing I've noticed with Reever is that for me, who has real trouble with physical affection and touch from humans, she seems quite unusually physical even for a black labrador/rtriever cross. She will for example frequently sit with a paw on my knee or insists on literally putting a paw in my hand and having me hold it.

I do wonder how much of this is personality, (she's also probably the most relaxed dog I've ever met and certainly one of the laziest, for all she is absolutely flawless at her actual job and learns new concepts and commands really quickly), and how much she's picked up or intuited about me.

So yes, while getting another dog is a great idea, bare in mind that dog won't be Lucy and it might take time for you to become close.

As to dog intelligence, well my mum has a guide dog who is a tiny black labrador, who is probably the most intelligent dog I've ever seen. If you drop any object and ask Zia to find it, she'll go and put her nose on it, she has learn to open a draw and take something out on command, and she even knows when travelling in a car or on the bus where she's going, heck, she can pick up people's names and words from casual conversation, (indeed if my mum talks to me on the phone she has to make sure not to say my name around Zia since otherwsie she'll expect me at the door).

I think the most surprising thing I've seen Zia do recently was when I visited my parents and we were looking for Reever, I said "where's Reever" where upon Zia went and fetched her.

Reever is fairly clever as most guide dogs are, and learns things relatively quickly, but Zia is sort of ridiculous! then again, Zia is also ridiculously energetic (indeed seeing the two together people often think Reever is older since she's both larger and far more layed back).

Oh and yes, I can really! get on with the idea of liking animals better than people. I remember when as an undergraduate I was invited to attend the ridiculously high class and extremely popass "Vice Chancellor's dinner" I spent the entire time talking to his colly, (and probably got more intelligent conversation), laugh.

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#452749 - 11/07/13 04:34 AM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
my deepest sympathies.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#452778 - 11/07/13 02:40 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
I can't help but experience these stories of Dogs as a 12-yo boy. I had a Beagle (Lucy). She chased a truck while I was at school. I always wondered if she wanted me with her those last few minutes. I always re-live the pain as a boy does/did.

I'm so sorry if you feel like that. I swear, no one experiences pain the way we do.
_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#452786 - 11/07/13 03:54 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: Chase Eric]
Moreorless Offline


Registered: 10/07/13
Posts: 21
Loc: Pittsburgh
Originally Posted By: Chase Eric
The Iroquois Indians ascribe certain traits to certain animals. The wolf - from which has descended the dog - is regarded as a teacher. I can think of no better tribute to Lucy than what you have written. She taught you something, and you have told us what you learned.


This is the exact sentiment I wanted to express here.

I think of Lucy's purpose as having been a teacher to you as well. Opening up to this, here, I think is a perfect honor to her as well.

Becoming the man that you became because of your history with her is you making it up to her in so many ways! You became loving and caring and that is damage repaired.

It's not the same with other humans as it is with pets; but I can't help but think of my father and I and how he and I are two wolves teaching each other as Chase Eric mentioned.

He was pretty, physically, rough with me - many bloody noses, many bruises. But it was when I was 15 that we reached his crescendo - I wound up on the operating table with a collar bone snapped in half and a spine whiplashed into a crooked angle.

I was a football player at the time and was able to, easily, convince the nurse that it was an accident from a scrimmage game.

I still remember my father's voice, 16 years later now, behind me, "Don't listen to him," he said, "I did this..." He continued, "please call the police, I'll be in the waiting room."

We had a social worker visit us several times after that, he moved out as well. At this point - realizing how bad it'd gotten - he found an anger management group and a therapist.

I wound up growing in a slightly crooked, and constantly painful direction.

Because of the pain - I was driven to seek out yoga, meditation, exercise, physical therapy and massage. Because of the accident - my father was driven to seek out improving, fixing, changing, taking responsibility for, himself.

We never stopped improving ourselves. There have been several times where he's broken down, crying, in apologies to me and several times I didn't want to speak to him.

But, again, we became individual who actively sought to improve ourselves - and this seeking was born from horrific tragedy.

16 years later and he and I, happily and excitedly, have brunch every Sunday together.

Sometimes the overwhelming destruction of our actions is what creates new, beautiful constructs from the rubble.

You are doing Lucy a, so to speak, solid. If I believed in an afterlife I would also believe Lucy is happily rolling on her unafraid and loved back in great awe and gratitude that you became a changed and gentle man.

Sorry for the lengthy reply here. This just touched me. I have a dog of my own, a pug, his name is Watson. My user picture is him and I chose it as I did because of my nervousness and reluctance to start sharing with this group. I love him and will send him your pets too.

The last thing I want to type is a Leonard Cohen quote that so accurately describes so many of us here; "There is a crack in everything... That's how the light gets in."

Hope you're doing well my friend.
_________________________
"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen

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#452964 - 11/08/13 07:38 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 289
While I appreciate what's been said here, I still have a bit more to say before I drop this subject. Lucy's nickname, at least within my head, was always 'tough girl' or 'mean woman.' It reached the proportions of a Church Norris joke. She was never a wuss or anything, but I know I created those names to convince myself that she was ok after what I did to her. I was so desperate for her to be ok. Honestly, I knew she wasn't before she died, but I needed to rationalize and tell myself I hadn't hurt her too much. I needed to tell myself that she was ok even when the damage I caused her was right in front of me. Like the PTSD caused by my CSA, this will always be with me.


Edited by InsideTheWall (11/08/13 07:46 PM)

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#454063 - 11/16/13 09:29 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
My dog just died.

Yes, mine too.

Originally Posted By: InsideTheWall
I took her right off the street in a rough part of town and made her my own. I don't know what killed her but I kind of suspect it was cancer. She was nine and she's being cremated.
...
I loved her but I wasn't worthy of her. There will always be a part of me that fucking hates myself for what I did to a good dog. It will haunt me the rest of my life.


My dog just died.

I had to go out earlier in the evening and he wanted me to take him so badly. I couldn't. When I returned, there he was sprawled right where he would have stood asking me to take him.

Now he's gone. I needed him. He needed me. I'm so sad.

Now I'm asking all the questions of grief. Is there something I could have/should have done? He was sick yesterday and I didn't do anything. I'm so selfish. Why didn't I do something for him yesterday?
He was a really good dog. A best-friend type of dog. Now I'm all alone. An old man who just lost his dog.

I'm so sad.

He was a road dog. A foundling dog. He was found out on the road in another county. A friend cleaned him up and took him to the vet and brought him to us. He was teaching me how to be loving. Now he's gone.

I needed him.

Puffer




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#454074 - 11/16/13 10:04 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3512
Loc: somewhere in Africa
((((((((((PUFFER))))))))))
i am so, so sorry.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#454095 - 11/17/13 12:23 AM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3621
Loc: South-East Europe
oh Puffer that is so sad, I'm sorry for your loss.
But I'm happy knowing how much you loved your dog, he has had good life!
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#454114 - 11/17/13 09:32 AM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 289
And the tears are back. All I can say to you what people said to me. Nothing can make any difference today. Nothing. You're missing a part of you that you mentally check on more often than your wallet, and you're about to start realizing how much you do it. You'll go through alot of firsts without your dog. First time getting gas, first time eating, first time vacuuming, etc. Over time, the firsts start getting less frequent and you stop but the first day is definitely the worst.


Edited by InsideTheWall (11/17/13 09:35 AM)

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#454125 - 11/17/13 11:20 AM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: pufferfish]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1486
My heart is just broken for you, Puffer. I never met you or your dog. But here I am, in the middle Washington DC, sitting at a Starbucks, and the tears welling up are for you both.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#454236 - 11/18/13 09:19 AM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: Chase Eric]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Thanks guys for your comforting words.

I feel much better this morning but I miss Choochoo.

I awoke this morning wondering if he was poisoned. I know I should just forget about it. His symptoms involved digestive system and the had sudden onset (2-3 days). Maybe he ate a chicken bone I didn't see.

This means I have progressed to the next stage of grief: Trying to figure it all out and understand what happened.

Puffer

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#454347 - 11/18/13 07:48 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 289
Tonight is the two week anniversary of Lucy's death. I still miss her alot, but its getting easier. Getting that job when I did still feels shitty. I wanted her at my side at my moment of triumph, and she dies right before it happens.

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#454466 - 11/19/13 05:19 PM Re: My Dog Died Last Night [Re: InsideTheWall]
Lancer Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Puffer, I don't have words. As with InsideTheWall, your post was hard for me to read. Since I'm only three months out from my loss I'm right there with you both.

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