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#452417 - 11/04/13 09:31 AM No big deal
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I took a huge step today and mentioned to a friend about CSA not exactly saying I was a victim when I was a child. The response I got surprise me. She said that it was a long time ago and no big deal and went on to describe a story she had read about a little girl being tortured and molested. She continued by adding it's just a matter of how strong you are and how adjusted you are. I ended the conversation there not wanting to say any more. As bad as it seems her words rang in my head. If I were stronger it wouldn't be so difficult maybe I'm just being a pussy about it. Idk.

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#452421 - 11/04/13 10:03 AM Re: No big deal [Re: Frustrated]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1652
I think her remarks were off base. CSA impacts the mind differently for every individual. It does not have to with how strong one is--whatever that means. Also, for some high profile or public cases the victim receives counseling soon after the abuse--which can help with recovery and living a life they deserve. For others it is buried for a lifetime. I believe your friend is like so many others--they are basically ignorant on CSA and the effects it has on the mind. You are not being a pussy. It took courage to even bring the topic up to her.

Her response is so common and it is why so many victims do not come forward. She needs a lesson in humanity and compassion--but I bet if asked your friend would say she is a compassionate and understanding person--people need to reflect on their actions.

Stay strong and heal at a pace you are comfortable. You need to feel safe.

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#452422 - 11/04/13 10:08 AM Re: No big deal [Re: Frustrated]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
She is absolutely,100%, wrong.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#452428 - 11/04/13 10:52 AM Re: No big deal [Re: Frustrated]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1993
Loc: durham, north england
Yep, your friend read this story about this girl, but what does she really know about her.

The media and the world loves happy endings, saying "and then everything is fine, but I wonder what happens when this girl meets one of her triggers, and will she be fine in the future? And even if she is, what has she had to go through to get to that point?

Indeed was sharing her story an act of catharsis itself?

I remember when reading the Dave Pelza books (about a man's experiences and recovery from intensive physical and emotional abuse from his mother), that writing the books felt as much a validation for him as a warning and aide to others, especially in the way they applaud his own achievements.

Frankly some people just have the emotional sensativity of a teabag!


Edited by dark empathy (11/04/13 10:59 AM)

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#452429 - 11/04/13 10:52 AM Re: No big deal [Re: Frustrated]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
No one should ever minimize the pain of another. It's a HUGE risk to be open about the trauma you have undergone. That openness of yours is a mark of your strength. Her unthinking and uncaring response is a mark of her lame/self-centered ways.

If anyone told me about their own abuse, here's what I would say:
"Thank you for telling me. I'm sure the journey has been difficult. I admire your courage." Or something like that.

Bob

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#452435 - 11/04/13 11:35 AM Re: No big deal [Re: Frustrated]
Harvey Dent Offline


Registered: 11/02/13
Posts: 28
The strength we are talking about has only one measure: the degree to which you manage to be true to yourself. Opening up to a friend is a testament to your bravery and openess. It takes strength to speak from the heart the experience we all share.

Ignore the naive judgements of the privileged who have never known your pain. The insight to keep in mind is that before you should have ever been exposed to adulthood, it was thrust upon you, against your will, against your nature, and against your very soul. This is not easy to comprehend if you have not experienced it first hand.


Keep the faith. Work the process. And always be true to your truth--for as long as you do, no one can take it from you.
_________________________
I am not defined by what is done to me. I am defined by the choices I make.

My story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=452346#Post452346

Odds are that I am typing on my phone. Please excuse punctuation and spelling. Editing is a serious pain in the neck.

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#452441 - 11/04/13 12:38 PM Re: No big deal [Re: Frustrated]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
I lived for a long time under a similar idea. I didn't need or deserve to deal with my CSA because compared to what others had endured it was "no big deal.'

I have to go back to the words that got me help. "Does it have to be a big deal [compared to others] to be a big deal to you?"

I have my abuse to deal with. Everyone else has theirs. It's not weak to need to deal, or to struggle. Just to give up.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#452462 - 11/04/13 04:28 PM Re: No big deal [Re: Frustrated]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1530
Loc: New England
Frustrated,

Your friend's response is a common one, but still is reprehensible. Prepare yourself to hear that fairly often. She has no idea what's she's talking about.

The fact is, you are anything BUT a pussy. You are facing this and starting to deal with it. That takes more balls than she'll ever have. Well, maybe she'll never have real balls, but you get what I mean.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#452463 - 11/04/13 04:31 PM Re: No big deal [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I appreciate all the good words this is a good place for support

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#452709 - 11/06/13 04:29 PM Re: No big deal [Re: Onesimus75]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Onesimus75: Well said.

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