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#452008 - 10/31/13 03:00 AM Am I being weird with my grand children
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 163
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
I'd apprectiate some views please.

I have 3 kids all girls and as they grew up I had no problem giving them a hug, they are all grown up and one has given my wife and I 5 wonderful grand children all boys, and this is where I have a problem.

We play football, take them out to museums and the like, we cook together and generally they love coming round to ours, my wife dotes on them, as do I, but giving them a hug freaks me out, it really does, I break into a cold sweat when they leave after visiting us, they say goodbye and each one gives my wife a hug and then its my turn.

Is this normal, what am I afraid of, has CSA completely screwed up my views on what's normal, its really affecting me and need some help please.
_________________________
Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

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#452009 - 10/31/13 03:25 AM Re: Am I being weird with my grand children [Re: tbkkfile]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3323
Loc: O Kanada
i used to have issues regarding intimacy with male children. even hugging my own son was awkward at first.
it felt uncomfortable and inappropriate. kinda creepy even. but i frequently get that same vibe from any male/male physical contact [other than a manly handshake].
i am pretty sure it stems from my history.
i don't even like hugging my own dad.

i just tapped into the pure clean love i feel for him and that helped me overcome my reluctance to hug him.

now it is a natural and daily occurrence, and he is already 13.

i am glad i did not pass on my phobia, because he is a hugger.

_________________________
Victor|Victim

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Love
Poetry

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#452102 - 10/31/13 09:46 PM Re: Am I being weird with my grand children [Re: tbkkfile]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
TBKK - I think it is interesting that the problem didn't exist with your children, only with your children's children. Have you thought about what makes it different for you? Is it because they are not your children? Or because you are in a different place of awareness now?

My husband was very huggie with our kids when they were little - they are very touchy feely human beings. But once my son hit my husband's "start of abuse" age, he completely backed off. So much so that I even noticed (and this was pre-disclosure). It's a work in progress. It helps that my son just throws himself in my husband's lap wink

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#452308 - 11/03/13 02:41 AM Re: Am I being weird with my grand children [Re: tbkkfile]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 163
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Esposa - thanks for the reply, your comments have got me thinking. The differences that I can see are

A couple have reached the age where my abuse happened, I sometimes look at them and see me standing there, don't get me wrong whilst I have real problems giving them a hug I'd honestly kill or die for them.

The two eldest started going to scouts where my abuse happened, and I can't help seeing myself in them

I really am in a different place of awareness now, full disclosure to my wife was only a couple of months ago.

The youngest two are great levellers and pretty much the same as your son in that I get no choice in the matter when they come round to ours.
_________________________
Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

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#452344 - 11/03/13 01:11 PM Re: Am I being weird with my grand children [Re: tbkkfile]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
Many things seem to be going on for you at the same time, so go easy on yourself wink

I would say that, from my experience, awareness of how we are feeling and a real genuine attempt to understand where it is coming from is the goal. Seems like you are there or getting there - and asking these questions show a man in healing and recovery.

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#452353 - 11/03/13 02:47 PM Re: Am I being weird with my grand children [Re: tbkkfile]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 163
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Tracking the last 9 months or so I'm in a completely different place to where I started, I guess that I saw my own mortality and decided that I couldn't spend the last years of my life as a victim, I'd had enough of dissociation, trying to self destruct, and addiction. I have to say that its the single most difficult thing that I've ever done and every day is a contest of will power over history.

Today however I got the biggest boost, we had a phone call from our eldest who'd just gone into labour and around 2 hours ago we were introduced to our 6th grandchild, wow.

Hey kid welcome to the world, and this is your granddad who's just joined it after 40 years of being somewhere else.......
_________________________
Go back?" he thought. "No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!" So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter

J.R.R.Tolkien, The Hobbit

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