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#452271 - 11/02/13 06:59 PM Sacred like a Rabbit
Hartdaddy Offline


Registered: 10/18/13
Posts: 13
This is something I have never shared with anyone before, the night before I was married I was molested by my new wife's cousins boyfriend. I say molested because it reminded me of what happened to me when I was 5-6 years old. I am doing better this time, the first time it happened it took me 35 years to tell someone, what I am saying now happened 34 years ago. Part of my wife's family came from out of town to attend our wedding, they were staying at my new in-laws home. My wife's cousin had brought her boyfriend with her, so with a full house, he needed some place to stay so I was asked if it would be ok if he stayed with me. I lived close by in a sleeping room, it was a one room studio apartment that I was renting by the week. He was about my age and I don't even remember his name. When we got to my apartment it was late so we went to bed right away. I do not remember how long I had been asleep but I woke up with this guy spooning me and his hands in my underwear fondling me. The term scared like a rabbit fits best. If you have ever gone hunting and seen how a rabbit acts when it is cornered, that glazed look in its eyes as it crouches down to the ground shaking and unable to move as if it knows it is about to die. I just froze, all at once I was 5 years old and it was happening again, I could not move. I just laid there and did nothing. Here is where the guilt comes in, I did nothing? I could have easily kicked his ass, punched him in the mouth or at the very least ran, but I just laid there and allowed myself to become a victim again. I have rehashed this over and over again in my mind, maybe I wanted this to happen, maybe I liked it or was I asking for it. I also struggle with, my silence, why have I never told anyone about this or shared this with my wife.

Dave

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#452279 - 11/02/13 08:55 PM Re: Sacred like a Rabbit [Re: Hartdaddy]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 800
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Dave,

When I was 20, I was in a bar (I'm gay), and a guy I a did not want to have anything to do with came over and put his hand on my butt. I knew I did not want to be with this guy, but I "watched" myself freeze. I "watched" myself be completely unable to talk or make any physical movement. I "watched" myself go home with him and be putty in his hands.

When I was 23 I had surgery which required a six weeks recuperation. My parents came and took me to their home to recuperate. One day my mother sat beside me on the sofa and put her hand on my leg, waaaaaaaaay too close to my crotch and just left it there. I was frozen in terror. I "watched" myself terrified and unable to move or speak.

I was 53 before beginning to remember sexual abuse from my father and 63 before beginning to remember sexual abuse from my mother. I have spent an enormous amount of time and money since 19 on therapy, medications, self-help, personal growth, psychics, shamans, meditation, and bodywork in an effort to figure out what was wrong with me. Nothing made sense until I began to remember the abuse.

In my mid forties I had begun to do some intuitive energy work, not requiring any touch, and offered to do some work on my mother on a visit to my parents home. Again, it was clear that this did not involve touch. The work I was doing tended to make people deeply relaxed and I suggested to my mother she may be more comfortable lying down. I brought a chair beside her bed and she said to me: "Son, there is no place on my body that you could touch that would not be okay with me." I FELT LIKE THROWING UP. There was NO touching involved.

It has taken 64 years of piecing together and remembering to understand my mother systematically terrorized me into submission from 0-3 1/2. She had two younger children by then. I have read that sexual abuse destroys long term and short term memory. It took learning to access body memory for me to uncover my early trauma.

I am sad to say that your experiences make perfect sense to me, Dave. I am happy to share that your experiences make perfect sense to me, Dave. You are sane. There is nothing unnatural or abnormal from my perspective. You were damaged early and deeply.
For myself, this type of trauma is written in my psyche close to the level of instinct. It is precognitive. The clearing process has been a rocky one for me, Dave. I hope you get the support you need and am happy for you that you are sharing your journey here on MS. It inspires me to share, which is always healthy for me. I've been isolating for awhile.

Thank you,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#453182 - 11/10/13 11:33 PM Re: Sacred like a Rabbit [Re: Hartdaddy]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 471
Loc: UK
Hi Dave,
You were conditioned to be helpless by the abuse in your childhood. When it happened you reacted indeed like the rabbit in the headlights. Instead of fight or flight you froze, It is an automatic reaction the thinking reasoning part of your brain was bypassed, so you froze, just like the rabbit you describe. The freezing was the helpless reaction to intense fear, the fear triggered by your childhood abuse. Freezing does not mean that you wanted it to happen, liked it or asked for it, in fact the freezing reaction shows the very opposite.

I am glad you were able to share it here, I hope you will soon get to a point where you understand that you have nothing to feel guilty about.

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