Newest Members
The Wife Of, smusab, whiteflag, North101, JCEldrid
12286 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
DruidWolf (39), Harry (33), knigh50 (53), mike54 (56)
Who's Online
2 registered (Seekingwisdom, 1 invisible), 23 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12286 Members
73 Forums
63203 Topics
441951 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#452248 - 11/02/13 03:50 PM How to tell the difference...
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 415
Loc: USA
Sometimes wonder if I know how to tell the difference between being hit on and just kind words. Sometimes wonder why some words trigger in RL and not here too.

I'm sorry, I know this does not make sense, just venting I guess. Never mind.


Edited by BuffaloCO (11/03/13 04:07 PM)
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

Top
#452374 - 11/03/13 07:07 PM Re: How to tell the difference... [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 415
Loc: USA
“You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don’t trust enough.” Frank H. Crane
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

Top
#452383 - 11/04/13 12:50 AM Re: How to tell the difference... [Re: BuffaloCO]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 310
Loc: Colorado
It seems you answered your own question but a couple things I had to note:

1) Your initial question/observation was very keen. Our perspectives and ability to trust or our ability to discern when a compliment is the sake for kindness or the sake of conniving - its all been altered by the abuse.

2) Triggers abound for survivors - you are not alone and this post reminds us you too are with us as we are with you.

3) I love the Plato quote on your signature.

Thanks
_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

Top
#452384 - 11/04/13 01:16 AM Re: How to tell the difference... [Re: BuffaloCO]
don64 Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 588
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi Buff,

Your comments make perfect sense to me. My problem is I have never been able to trust myself to know what is real. With good reason. My entire life has been run by a very damaged child. The me that was abused developed twisted, damaged coping mechanisms in an effort to avoid psychic death. I learn and heal tiny bit by tiny bit. It has taken me decades to learn to see myself as the damaged child. It has taken me decades to learn to not beat up the damaged child, but to treat the damaged me with love and compassion. Beating myself up only locks me in the cycle. Loving myself and forgiving myself seems the only path to wisdom and understanding. I intend to let go of the ways I hurt myself. I was taught to beat myself up, to degrade myself, to submit to the will of others regardless of the cost to me. I don't intend to do that any more. I intend to teach myself to love myself, to respect myself, to learn healthy ways of short circuiting my paranoia, my suspicion, my belief that things will always turn out badly for me. For me, it has been a years long process of learning to slow down to a speed where I give myself the time and space I need to adopt a new position. That is very difficult when my insides are screaming that I need to run because terror is behind me. It is a very slow process for me, but I am getting there. I do get frustrated and impatient, but I am learning.

My thoughts are with you,

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Top
#452661 - 11/06/13 11:03 AM Re: How to tell the difference... [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 415
Loc: USA
Kind of did answer my own question with the Crane quote, but the answer is you could get hurt either way. Got to learn to short circuit like Don says, unplug all the conflicting input from my internal router and defragment my internal processor. I guess trust takes time, and that is why I can't do group T or try something like a weekend retreat. I don't want to be a target again. Thanks for the thoughts.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

Top
#452662 - 11/06/13 11:19 AM Re: How to tell the difference... [Re: BuffaloCO]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
My experience is teaching me that it's not a matter of "could get hurt." It's a matter of, you WILL get hurt. The first response is to say fine, screw it, I'll just withdraw and avoid it altogether, however that's the wrong response that leads us down and empty and destructive path.

I know I need to connect and engage even knowing that hurt will come when interacting with others, the real challenge I'm finding is processing and handling the hurt when it happens and handling it properly, as all I've ever know is the run away, hide, and avoid response.

Sadly because of that empty way of living, I haven't a foggy clue how to connect with others.

I went on a WoR, and it was great. I connected for a very short time with another, and it was great. Then silence arrived and it hurt. I'm still not quite sure what to do with it.

Top
#452666 - 11/06/13 11:33 AM Re: How to tell the difference... [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 415
Loc: USA
Another reason why WoR is not something for me in addition to the others I'll keep inside.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

Top
#452668 - 11/06/13 11:48 AM Re: How to tell the difference... [Re: BuffaloCO]
Andre960 Offline


Registered: 11/01/13
Posts: 9
Loc: Ontario Canada
Hello,
Every one of you "touches" me in so many places that I live. I feel overwhelmed, I know I have looked at my "issues" six wAys to Sunday. Yet here in these forums I find my self second guessing everything ... Again.
I don't feel threatened so much as. I don't know .. Part like a starved guy dumped into a hall overflowing with every kind of delicious food .. too many choices , don't know where go start... Thanks...I think..:>)
I have never felt confident "connecting with anyone. That "if you really knew me, you would run the other way" mantra still seems firmly lodged in my thinking.. The power of perceptions, what I attach my believe to - has kept me from experiencing authenticity in relationships, making sense of my life an seemingly futile pursuit sometimes.. But , sorry - I think I went off track .. Well - ever forward..! :>)

Top
#452673 - 11/06/13 12:35 PM Re: How to tell the difference... [Re: BuffaloCO]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 315
Loc: Iowa, USA
BC
It takes practice to distinguish between being hit on and being paid a compliment. There are two main reasons some comments are triggering in real life but not here at MS. One reason is that there is a tacit understanding that here at MS we have come to this place in order to heal and to support each other. All comments are filtered through this understanding. Thus, we will interpret a comment as just a comment, a compliment because that fits our expectations that comments are meant to heal and support. We are not expecting a pick up line.

In addition, here at MS, the non verbal aspects of communication are missing. All we have are words. Body language, intonation, inflection, and other aspects of non verbal communication are absent. In real life, we are constantly receiving stimuli from others and as we listen, we are sifting through a multitude of signals as we try to understand what is being said. These non verbal signals can definitely add a twist to the words being spoken and that can definitely leave things open to interpretation and miscommunication.

As CSA survivors, we have had our ability to interpret verbal and non verbal agents of communication twisted and warped. There is no doubt that we've been exploited. and thus we are both unsure of ourselves and cynical of others. For example, how many times have we been told we're loved, and subsequently had that love violated. Such heinous transgressions have left us unsure of ourselves, our ability to trust and our ability to love. It then is manifested as an inability to interpret our environment. How do we counter this? I don't have a clear answer, other than only to take small steps an only risk what we can tolerate. It will take multiple instances of successful interactions with others before we can begin to trust ourselves again.

I don't know if this has answered your questions, but I've just tried to be helpful.

Dave

Top
#452692 - 11/06/13 02:46 PM Re: How to tell the difference... [Re: BuffaloCO]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1284
...


Edited by Chase Eric (11/06/13 05:13 PM)
_________________________



Click my pic to see why I'm here

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.