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#451973 - 10/30/13 10:36 PM I made a list today
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I made a list today of the things I can remember about the sexual abuse and the abnormal sexual behavior I display. The list is very long and very bad. I know there are many more memories to come and the list will grow longer and more devastating. I am the type of person that I have to know everything that happened before I can even begin to move forward. My whole life has been hiding things and lies. The bad part is I can not talk to anyone about this or my life as I know it will end and will break the heart of my wife

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#451976 - 10/30/13 10:51 PM Re: I made a list today [Re: Frustrated]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 295
You should feel no shame in trying to be a better man, and making a list is ok, just think of it as a way of knowing where to do your repairs around the house, it is extremely difficult for other people to understand, but i think shame has so much to do with allowing crimes like these to happen, the rapist always uses shame to make the other feel dirty, imagine what it does to a child, and how rotten the other person must be. Feel proud that you have enough courage to look at what is wrong and do something about it.
That is why you have all of us here to talk and find support.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#451980 - 10/30/13 11:04 PM Re: I made a list today [Re: justplainme]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
I'm in over head I'm still moving backwards have to reach the bottom before I can start to climb. I have one memory that came to me that in a strange way made me laugh. When I was around 6 I remember my grandfather trying to drowned me in a pool I just about passed out when I pulled away I came up coughing up water and crying and he was laughing at me told me to get out

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#451981 - 10/30/13 11:07 PM Re: I made a list today [Re: Frustrated]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 295
That is horrible man, sick asshole. Can u imagine what the history in your family could be? I know its a go down to hell come to heaven kind of process, but whenever just come here and talk to all of us,we can help.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#451984 - 10/30/13 11:19 PM Re: I made a list today [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
He was a mean old man and he hated me

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#451988 - 10/31/13 12:03 AM Re: I made a list today [Re: Frustrated]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 295
just imagine how strong you are, you have survived so much shit, you owe it to yourself to live happy.
Live well, it is the best revenge.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#451994 - 10/31/13 12:58 AM Re: I made a list today [Re: Frustrated]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1523
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: Frustrated
I made a list today of the things I can remember about the sexual abuse and the abnormal sexual behavior I display. The list is very long and very bad....... My whole life has been hiding things and lies. The bad part is I can not talk to anyone about this or my life as I know it will end....
Hey Frustrated,

Making that list is a very good step in dealing with what happened to you, and how you have been affected. Bringing every bit of it into the light of day is whats needed to make it real and end the cycle of hiding from it and the lies.

I would not suggest sharing any of your sexual behavior with your wife. That won't help either of you. You don't need to share it with anyone if you don't want to. But if you are in therapy, that is one outlet. MS is another. And I will bet you that if you posted it here, the other guys here would line up with posts that say things like "yeah thats exactly what happened to me....yeah I felt exactly that way....yeah I did that too" You will see that your whole experience is very "normal" among CSA survivors.

When I got here someone said to me that "sexual abuse happens in secret, but healing happens out loud" I have found that to be true.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#452042 - 10/31/13 10:45 AM Re: I made a list today [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
Hi Jude
Thanks for the words. Dealing with this for such a short time I know I have a long way to go it is difficult to share anything with any one but on here I am trying to open up. I hope it helps me

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#452043 - 10/31/13 11:45 AM Re: I made a list today [Re: Frustrated]
Frustrated Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 192
Hey Justplaneme
Thanks for the good words

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#452107 - 10/31/13 10:28 PM Re: I made a list today [Re: Frustrated]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3391
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Frustrated -

i think your list is a good idea. i am a list-maker, too.

when you are done with that list - i have a couple of others that helped me a lot:

1. list the LIES that you believe(d) about yourself and the abuse and the abuser and the world - because of how you were treated.

2. then list the TRUTHS that contradict and counteract and invalidate those lies.

my T suggested that i do this - it was difficult - especially the second one. but i was so glad that i did it. a major accomplishment to see it all on paper - i almost said in black & white. but i wrote it longhand - my T has a thing about that - says it is more effective in changing our brain's wiring. and i wrote it in black for the lies - and RED for the truths. i have not yet fully believed and accepted all of the truths - but am working on it and getting better.

maybe it would work for you too.

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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