I made a list today of the things I can remember about the sexual abuse and the abnormal sexual behavior I display. The list is very long and very bad....... My whole life has been hiding things and lies. The bad part is I can not talk to anyone about this or my life as I know it will end....
Making that list is a very good step in dealing with what happened to you, and how you have been affected. Bringing every bit of it into the light of day is whats needed to make it real and end the cycle of hiding from it and the lies.
I would not suggest sharing any of your sexual behavior with your wife. That won't help either of you. You don't need to share it with anyone if you don't want to. But if you are in therapy, that is one outlet. MS is another. And I will bet you that if you posted it here, the other guys here would line up with posts that say things like "yeah thats exactly what happened to me....yeah I felt exactly that way....yeah I did that too"
You will see that your whole experience is very "normal" among CSA survivors.
When I got here someone said to me that "sexual abuse happens in secret, but healing happens out loud"
I have found that to be true.
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."Pink Floyd