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#451793 - 10/29/13 11:54 PM I DON"T WANT TO
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
I know we have talked about the forgiveness thing before, but I have never actually considered it to be a problem or issue for me because it wasn't. When you aren't really real with how things have affected you in life, you can just blow off things of this magnitude without much consideration.

Well, sirs, I am closing in on getting real. And its serious real, not just words. Again, the T took me decades back in time and I talked about the early things. These are the exact words that I spoke... or sort of the exact words.

"I could forgive the boy who abused me when I was four by simply saying, okay, he must have been abused himself and he was only 9 or 10 and was acting out. But when he returned and I was 8 and 9, he was around 13 or 14, he came back and intentionally sought me out. He intentionally isolated me. He intentionally had sex with me. HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING. And I CAN'T forgive him for that."

T asked me why I couldn't forgive him. I looked at T and knew instantly why I couldn't.

BECAUSE I DON"T WANT TO... I have just recently discovered over a short period of three months how much damage these early years have done to me as a person. Decades- decades! of fucking up, feeling fucked up, pretending this and that..... and still it continues.

I am considering it a gift to myself that I am feeling. I am feeling anger, a soft quiet rage where once I felt nothing. Strange, I like the gift of real, honest emotion. And part of that emotional journey is that I can, after 50 years, simply say, "I don't want to."

I don't want to. It empowers me in a way, in a situation, where I had no power. I didn't want to begin my sexualization way back then, but I had no words because I knew not what was going to happen. If I had... If we all had known... what would we have said? ...I DON'T WANT TO...... I don't want to be your sexual object, I don't want to carry this horrendous burden for decades, and I don't want to feel guilty if I DON"T WANT TO FORGIVE YOU.

I will hold this feeling for a while. I have earned it after all these years.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#451795 - 10/30/13 12:02 AM Re: I DON"T WANT TO [Re: ThisMan]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3449
Loc: somewhere in Africa
TM -
his is an important realization - whether it is a permanent state of being or a temporary phase, i think you need to fully experience this condition of mind and emotion. it is real and honest and you are in it and aware of it.
LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#451797 - 10/30/13 12:11 AM Re: I DON"T WANT TO [Re: ThisMan]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 315
I know about this anger, just be careful do not let it consume you. Feel it, use it to your advantage, but be safe.
Anger of the size something like sexual abuse can be devastating.
I know exactly how you feel, i feel the same way. Anger and rage that is burning bright red. Volcanic!
This is good, it is amazing progress, once you begin to get angry over what happened you are empowered so much more.
Stay healthy!
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#451798 - 10/30/13 12:12 AM Re: I DON"T WANT TO [Re: ThisMan]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 315
If i could have said something, i would have called the cops on that rapist.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#451804 - 10/30/13 01:02 AM Re: I DON"T WANT TO [Re: ThisMan]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 241
Loc: Southeast US
I say, BRAVO, this man.

Own it! It is empowering to be able to say - I Don't Want To.
You have the power to say yes or no of when, or even if, you ever forgive him. And I think you and only you will know if that time ever comes.
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#451805 - 10/30/13 01:54 AM Re: I DON"T WANT TO [Re: ThisMan]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 721
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Hi TM,

I get the decades thing. I'm right there with you. Years ago I read a little Jungian book called "Owning Your Own Shadow," by someone last name Johnson. The book says the most enlightened spiritual masters are not the sweetest most benevolent people on the planet, but are the ones who are completely aware of their dark side and keep it close like a good friend. The author says that our dark side is as much a part of us as is our light side, but we get to choose what we express OUT in the world. He says it is necessary that we give expression to our dark energies, or they just fester and grow. BUT, the psyche doesn't know the difference between expressing my rage, hatred, etc., in the physical world versus acting it out in my imagination.


It took me a little while getting comfortable expressing my anger. I learned to kick pillows, beat pillows,(being very careful not to hurt myself) and projecting whoever the object of my feelings is onto the pillow, etc. Your imagination and your therapist can figure out if this approach works for you. The main thing for me, is that I do believe that the kind of energy I put out in the world comes right back at me. So I do my best to keep my physical expressions in the world to loving and kindness. I give free reign to my dark impulses in my imagination and to my pillows. It works for me. I also scream, rant, rave, etc. if I am in a situation where the neighbors won't hear me. A workshop leader taught me how to scream with my hand over my mouth. The scream gets out of my body, but it doesn't make much noise. Good luck to you. I didn't begin remembering abuse until age 53. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#451964 - 10/30/13 10:10 PM Re: I DON"T WANT TO [Re: ThisMan]
BraveFalcon Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/25/13
Posts: 1133
Loc: The ATL

Hi Bill. Yes, you're right, you have earned the right to hold onto your feelings. You have the right not to forgive if you don't want to. In fact, as far as I'm concerned, you didn't earn that right through years of living as a CSA survivor, you earned it the second you were abused and exploited. The second any perp makes the decision to abuse, they do something to another human soul that can not be undone. After that, forgiveness is not something they are entitled to. I know the politically correct thing would seem to be for me to say something like, "I hope one day you grow to the point where you can learn to forgive" but I don't agree with that. If some people can forgive others who have taken advantage of them, that is great, but that doesn't make people who can't or don't want to forgive any less of a person. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the decision to forgive a perp should only be done if the survivor is forgiving for their own benefit and not for the perps. If a survivor doesn't feel like forgiving would benefit them personally, then there is no reason they should feel compelled to forgive. Take care. Peace,

Ken

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#451983 - 10/30/13 11:17 PM Re: I DON"T WANT TO [Re: ThisMan]
pittsburgh Offline


Registered: 05/26/11
Posts: 89
Loc: west Chester, Pa
I am in total agreement with BraveFalcon. I was the victim, the choice is mine period.
_________________________
it is and has been quite a trip thru life, as last I feel that I am in a better place, it takes work and in my case a wife the was and is forgiveing and helpful. At last a relationship has gone right, messed up three.

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#452176 - 11/01/13 07:59 PM Re: I DON"T WANT TO [Re: ThisMan]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
"you earned it the second you were abused and exploited. The second any perp makes the decision to abuse, they do something to another human soul that can not be undone. "... by brave falcon.

I agree, my man. I hadn't thought about it like that, but the second the touch is made, the soul is forever altered.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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