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#451626 - 10/28/13 08:02 PM Boyfriend says he's bisexual but I'm not sure
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
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#451712 - 10/29/13 03:04 PM Re: Boyfriend says he's bisexual but I'm not sure [Re: NotSure]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 203
Loc: IDAHO
Hey Notsure,

I am the wife of a survivor so I am by no means an expect on this topic but saw that you had not yet gotten a response and thought I would trough in my 2 cents. I hope you get some responses from the guys on here they are awesome!

First of I'm pretty direct and don't want to sound harsh so I hope what I'm about to tell you doesn't upset you. And again this is just my opinion.
I love my Husband dearly but in the beginning of our relationship I did not understand how deep his issues really where. I did not understand the impact they would have in our lives over the years. I didn't really get it, and in some ways I never will because we are two different people. By the time I realized how bad it really was we were married and it is REALLY hard sometimes. I have had to accept a lot of realities about my life that aren't easy. I have had to learn to accept the man he is and let go of the man I wish he was today. I have had to do all of this while fighting for my own happiness and emotional health. I have had forgive and let go to a degree that most people would not understand. I have had to to learn how to watch someone I love hurt while not letting it pull me in with them. Up until the last couple years, if you asked me what was the most trying painful thing I had ever done I would have told you that facing my own CSA in therapy was it. Now I will tell you that was kid-stuff compared to watching the person you love the most hurt struggle with it. At least when it was my pain I was the person who could heal it. I cannot heal H's for him. All I can do is cheer from the sidelines and most of the time he doesn't even hear me cheering.

I bring this up because you asked what you may be in for. Your BF may very well be Bi-sexual. He may have been born that way and it has nothing to do with his abuse. Either way the only person who can help him sort that out is a therapist and it could take YEARS before he finds one and commits to heal. Even once he begins to heal there could be a lot of painful ups and downs, a lot of confusion and more years.

Whether he is attracted to men because of abuse or not it is still a part of his identity at this point in his life, and may always be. You are going to have to accept it if you want him to feel that you fully accept him as a person. Sexuality is very complex and is even more so for survivors because their sexual development has been tampered with in such a destructive way.

Can you come to terms with your BF's sexuality? Can you accept that he may never get help? Can you accept not knowing what the future brings? Can you maintain your own happiness and sense of self if he does self-destruct? Can you accept if he never tells you what happened? Are you willing to go to therapy when you need it to help you? Can you set boundaries with him and then stick to them?
Sorry if I overloaded you with things to digest.
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Everything comes from within

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#451717 - 10/29/13 04:03 PM Re: Boyfriend says he's bisexual but I'm not sure [Re: NotSure]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 636
Loc: NJ
I don't think I can add anything that HD hasn't already said. The abuse and its effects have to be integrated - for him and for you because they are, unfortunately, part of who he is.

For some reason, the sexuality thing can terrorize us opposite sex partners. Many of us often think that it is worse than affairs, betrayals, etc. I will tell you that, from experience, it is complicated and while we may see things one way, they see them in a completely different way. My opinion is that a man who has not yet begun his own healing journey, will not in any way be able to make sense of the imprinting that comes along with his experiences - and often, because of shame or some other emotion, attribute it to his sexuality. And that's okay, because that is how he has coped. Does it terrorize you? For sure.

Bisexuality, in and of itself, does not preclude a monogamous long term heterosexual relationship. I simply don't believe that. What does, however, preclude that type of relationship is unhealthy communication, living in denial and running from our problems. Those to me seem to be the issue at hand. While you may be right about your boyfriend (and you may not be), it doesn't matter in the least until he choses to explore his history and his sexuality.

One other thing - I applaud you for seeing this as an issue you want addressed BEFORE making a life time commitment. You have that opportunity that many of us only had in hindsight. It is INDEED an issue that needs work - a lot of work.

This is hard to process I know. I have totally been there wink

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#451742 - 10/29/13 07:24 PM Re: Boyfriend says he's bisexual but I'm not sure [Re: NotSure]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 135
Loc: Virginia
Hi NotSure,

As a guy who has faced these issues for years, I wanted to throw my two cents in. A lot of survivors, myself included, came out of their abuse situations believing they must be gay or bisexual for a number of reasons.

First, many survivors don't grasp the fact that just because what their perp did may have felt good, that's not a reflection on their sexuality. Males are hard-wired that way, especially if the abuse occurred around puberty. Second, if the victim didn't put a stop to it (or in my case, if he even welcomed the attention for various reasons,) he must be gay. Again, not true.

Third, many if not most survivors get their sexuality, their concept of male bonding, their self-image and other deeply personal attributes beaten up and left for dead. It takes time and lots of thought to process these very separate things and sort them out to what they were before the trauma happened.

For example, I thought I was gay or bi for years because I thought I was attracted to a certain type of male. What I came to realize (and know in my heart of hearts now) is that what I thought was sexual attraction was actually envy. My perp was only a year or two older than me, and he was broad-shouldered, attractive, tan from going to the beach, popular, and so on. I idolized him before the abuse started, and afterwards my idolization was sexualized. Now that I've sorted this out, I can look at guys like this all day long and not be the least bit aroused. (I may still think, "I'd like to look like that!" but that's a FAR cry from sexual arousal.) Several long discussions with my T confirm this, at least for me.

My point is, there are lots of straight guys out there with these things running around in their heads. Don't be surprised if it turns out that, once he gets all these things sorted out like I am doing, he discovers that he's actually straight. No guarantees here, of course, but that's what I've discovered. Hang in there and I hope the two of you find peace.

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#451758 - 10/29/13 08:50 PM Re: Boyfriend says he's bisexual but I'm not sure [Re: NotSure]
NotSure Offline


Registered: 10/28/13
Posts: 34
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#451910 - 10/30/13 07:34 PM Re: Boyfriend says he's bisexual but I'm not sure [Re: NotSure]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 269
Loc: Southeast USA
If you look at my posts in the past you will find I posted a. Few times on one part of what you mentioned.

I am very often requesting oral from my wife. She seems happy to comply as it leads to her enjoyment in a little bit.

I used to wonder if it was from my CSA or that I just like it. Eventually I just decided I like it and didn't worry about it.

I am not always sure, but I have tried to not always see CSA under every rock, or funny thought I have. I think everyone is a bit quirky. I think regardless of my CSA I would be a little out there.
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