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#451502 - 10/28/13 12:26 AM Gotta say...(antidepressants & libido)
thepatient Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 29
Loc: USA
My antidepressants have severely minimized my libido(was low anyways), and I have to say that I'm glad for it. Sexuality has always been, for me, an enigmatic area of life which was often explored with trepidation and produced meager success. It was more of a social expectation which I hoped my achievement in that realm would possibly help me be recognized as a man and a human. If I'm honest with myself, my failure regarding it partially contributes to my feeling like a human imposter rather than a real person.
The early experiences I had with relationships and the opposite sex helped reinforce my sexual aversion. Rejection fueled the temptation to sexually act-out(something I deeply regret). The sexual landscape of today(I'm 25) also makes me timid about joining-in. It seems like sex-acts such as BDSM are practically par for the course, and that stuff honestly freaks me out.
A desire to someday reenter the sexual world gradually dwindles, and it feels kind of liberating. It feels like something I've always resented having and caused me nothing but embarrassment, hurt, and regret is being lifted off me.
I'm aware this post isn't asking for advice, but these are just recent thoughts I wanted to express which I thought you guys, of all people, could probably understand.
_________________________
"Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one
Shine on upon the severed
Divided, I'm withering away
Shine on upon the many, light our way
Benevolent sun"

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#451677 - 10/29/13 07:27 AM Re: Gotta say...(antidepressants & libido) [Re: thepatient]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1523
Loc: New England
Yeah man, I get that. I'm the flip side of that coin. Always obsessed with sex, never enough. The sexual side effects of SSRI's have made it possible for me to start putting sex in its proper place: One of life's pleasures, but not it's ONLY pleasure, and not one I can't live without if need be. I'm focusing on relationships now, and if that leads to sex, fine. If not, well thats fine too.

I'm older than 25, but I have to believe that there are girls your age who are not interested in tying you up and spanking you with a wire brush. Maybe you're looking in the wrong places.

Maybe others know...where do you find the girls who want a relationship and want to "make love" with a man?
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#451715 - 10/29/13 03:43 PM Re: Gotta say...(antidepressants & libido) [Re: thepatient]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 203
Loc: Southeast US
Hi thepatient,

Got it loud and clear. It's completely understandable. Since your abuse at 6 or 7 involved the severest BDSM imagineable, it's easy to see why the thought of repeating anything remotely like that with a partner would be a real turn off. If BDSM is the current trend in dating, things have really changed.

I'm three times your age so my perspective is no doubt different than yours, but while I think sex in a relationship isn't the only thing, it is one thing. There are many people who've chosen a celibate life style and are probably very fulfilled, but it takes a calling and dedication I could never follow. My early sex life was filled with abuse, involving only boys, and I started dating later than most teens. Most of the girls I dated had a lot more experience than I did, which led to a lot of embarrassing situations. But after all the humiliating times and a lot of "poor performances" I decided not to stay in a safe zone with no sexual relationships at all, and finally ended up in a marriage that has been very fulfilling - even with all the times antidepressants got in the way.

I'm not saying that's always the best way to deal, or even that you should re-consider, but just be aware that there are some girls who wouldn't think of BDSM in a relationship, and limited success with sex doesn't have to be a deal breaker.

Take care

CJ
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#452345 - 11/03/13 01:38 PM Re: Gotta say...(antidepressants & libido) [Re: thepatient]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Patient,

I'm 26 and also pretty timid sexually. Even though I feel flattered when I get hit on by women and enjoy having sex with them once the act gets started, it's the getting there that makes me feel extremely anxious. I feel like I don't know what to say, what to do, how to initiate anything, etc. One of my other fears is that it seems everybody else our age is sexually advanced. I've only ever been with 5 or 6 different girls, and I only actually slept with two of them. Never had a relationship either. I'm on wellbutrin and zoloft right now, and it does indeed kill libido for me.

I don't really get it - I was molested by my male cousin, so I'm not sure why I'm afraid of women, other than the fact that my mother and my sister were extremely dominant personalities when I was growing up, my sister to the point of being verbally and emotionally abusive. Unfortunately, if I did anything to stick up for myself, I got in trouble. When my Mom found my porn, I was made to feel like I was a horrible person for being interested - "How could you objectify women like this?! You have a mother and a sister!" etc. Sex had always been something dirty and shameful to me after figuring out what my cousin had been doing to me, and the older I got the more I took the messages my family gave me as "You're not supposed to be a sexual being" because it was either dirty, predatory, or dangerous.

On another note, my sister was so awful to me, and my mother so manipulative, that I KNOW I don't allow myself to open up and be comfortable with other women. I get so frustrated - I want to have the confidence to just go out there and get numbers and date, but I always get stuck. I can't help but feel like running whenever somebody says "Hey, I've got a girl for you to meet sometime", because I assume things will go bad and then that person who set us up will be judging me. Alternately, if a girl hits on me, I don't know what to do, and I freeze. The last time this happened, I didn't know what to do until the girl made a joke about the two of us having sex, and then whispered to me "Seriously, you should take me up on that". That's how bad I am at this thing.


I hope I figure out how to get out of my own head some day. I recognize that none of that even remotely makes sense, but that's just how I feel.

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#452996 - 11/08/13 11:45 PM Re: Gotta say...(antidepressants & libido) [Re: AndyS87]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1523
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: AndyS87
...I hope I figure out how to get out of my own head some day. I recognize that none of that even remotely makes sense, but that's just how I feel.
Hey Andy,

It makes perfect sense. Remember that CSA turns "normal" on its head. Take it easy on yourself. Five or six girls at 26 isn't anything to be ashamed of, and you have the right to NOT have sex with anyone you don't feel comfortable with. You might even consider working on a relationship with a woman before hitting the sheets. Might seem old fashioned, but it has its benefits.

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#453017 - 11/09/13 02:34 AM Re: Gotta say...(antidepressants & libido) [Re: thepatient]
thepatient Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 29
Loc: USA
Andy, brother! The sexuality-shaming, the general messages I received in life that I'm not supposed to be a sexual being, and the aloofness regarding come-ons; I relate!

Dating has always been a big mystery to me. It was like during adolescence everyone except me was given a guide. I didn't even know about flirting until I was about 15! It probably didn't help that I was homeschooled, but I've never grasped the dating scheme.

My mom subjected me to similar treatment albeit for different motives(she was a preachy feminist). I'm still unsure to what degree it influenced my guilt toward my sexuality considering the CSA alone could had contributed to it too.

On top of it all, my early experiences with the opposite-sex were very disappointing and hurtful. Girls were nasty and told me things like I was ugly. The first girl to ever reciprocate attraction basically used me for attention and quickly threw me to the side when she found better prospects(she wasn't even subtle about it). It all left me feeling rather unwanted and inferior. The girls who did show a lot of interest seemed like they had many issues of their own and would take almost anyone which wasn't very reassuring to me(and actually made me feel crappy).

I haven't involved myself with dating/attracting women to any degree for so long because it's impossible for me to feel genuinely desired. However, I think Jude just gave us some invaluable advice.
_________________________
"Shine on forever
Shine on benevolent sun
Shine down upon the broken
Shine until the two become one
Shine on upon the severed
Divided, I'm withering away
Shine on upon the many, light our way
Benevolent sun"

Top
#456297 - 12/07/13 09:34 AM Re: Gotta say...(antidepressants & libido) [Re: thepatient]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
Good advice indeed. I'm still working on that. I had two girls tell me at a party a while back that I didn't need to be so timid. We're all in graduate school together - one had a huge crush on me, and as is typical for me I kind of avoided/skirted around the issue of dating because I felt intimidated. She moved on, some other girls managed to get it out of me that I didn't exactly NOT like her, and then after a while she just told me "look, I don't know why you're so shy, you've got a lot going for you!". I wanted to tell her everything right then and there, but I didn't.

Second lady is a mom and a few years older than the rest of us. She at one point came to me and said "look, if you have confidence issues, I just want to tell you that you don't need to have them, you're a great catch!". We talked a little bit more, but I wasn't really specific about anything I was going through. Still she just kind mom'd me, which actually made me feel a lot better. Sometimes you just need some people to tell you everything will eventually be alright.

I know what you mean about your experiences with the opposite sex being hurtful. I lived that as well. A few weeks ago I ran into a girl at a bar from high school, and had no idea who she was. She couldn't believe I didn't remember her. When we finally got that figured out, all I could think was "Why would I remember you? You flat out ignored me in high school, why would we suddenly be best friends?". Just with the way I socialize in general, it's taken me until I'm almost 27 to get out of the habit of putting myself at the bottom of the social hierarchy in different groups of people. I didn't even realize that that was where I was automatically putting myself for so many years.

As far as relationship work goes, I agree. In the past with girls I've actually met with for dates, I'm not usually comfortable when they start moving things into the bedroom on the first or even fourth date. I barely know you! How am I supposed to know whether or not I want to sleep with you? I'm not a goddamned sex robot!

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#456342 - 12/07/13 10:29 PM Re: Gotta say...(antidepressants & libido) [Re: thepatient]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Nearly all antidepressants reduce sexual desire / capacity at least a little. Zoloft is the absolute worst, actually causing impotence at normal doses.

The conspicuous exception is Wellbutrin, which actually goes the other way - a renowned side-effect is hypersexuality. Definitely not recommended if you're single, shy, and without prospects.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#456385 - 12/08/13 12:39 PM Re: Gotta say...(antidepressants & libido) [Re: thepatient]
AndyS87 Offline


Registered: 12/12/08
Posts: 302
Loc: sorry, but I don't say on the ...
lol...I'm on both at the same time. Can't say I've noticed a difference, but then again I suppose that makes sense if one makes you hypersexual and the other makes you not sexual. I was wellbutrin without zoloft for a while though, and I didn't notice a huge difference.

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#458970 - 01/20/14 07:43 AM Re: Gotta say...(antidepressants & libido) [Re: thepatient]
pete1973 Offline


Registered: 01/02/14
Posts: 41
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Soccerstar, I too have experienced the snnoying side effects od different antidepressants, I first started with Cipralex ans the first week or so I really enjoyed how it "slowed" me down and seemed to slow if not shut down a lot of me feelings and anxieties and allowed me to have a long, slow look at my life without feeling anxious and rushed and I was able to start talking to my spouse and counselor about problems. But then my sex drive started to drop and things got worse. My spouse thought it "was her" but it had nothing to do with her, it was a mix of the meds and my subconscious fears of recalling the abuse and I reverted back to only being able to sexually satisfy myself by masturbation like I did for many years as I only trusted myself to not hurt or humiliate myself even though I had absolutely no reason to suspect my spouse would do so. So I switched to Effexor and things got better for a couple of weeks then the lost erections during sex returned and only masturbation worked and trust me, I needed the release of ejaculation, I have become dependant on it as a nightly ritual for my relief and release and my treat of feeling good about myself and anger was actually setting in that this now seemed to be getting taken away from me. So I switched to Wellbutrin. I had tried it briefly while on Cipralex but found the combination made me paranoid and it still does a bit but my psychiatrist has put me on clonazepam to offset the anxiety and for the most part my sex life is back to normal. I was extremely horny for a couple of weeks at first, was hoping it would last because I enjoyed wanting to have sex two or three times a day but it didn't last and now that I am in some intense therapy I am again experiencing some difficulties but it has more to do with the memories being stirred up but I need to face them and deal with them, not bury them deeper so they can rot away at my soul and turn me into more of the asshole I never wanted to become. Angry sex for relief is not good, although I am dependant on the release, kind of like a routine or drug, it is almost better to jerk off when angry so there are no bad feelings towards anyone else and avoiding it only made me more irritable and wanting to seek revenge on my perp while on the other hand it terrifies me to think about seeing him again. I have even been using Viagara on and off for a few years and with the intense therapy even that has little effect on my performance and can be embarrassing, I am just glad I have an understanding spouse.

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