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#45166 - 06/24/06 09:15 AM When do I tell my family?
Jerry8-14-04 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 16
Loc: Ohio
This post is gonna be short and to the point. I am planning to leave in the morning to drive back to Iowa and tell my mom and my brothers for the first time about what happened to me. When is it the right time? Do I warn them first? How do I do this with the least amount of pain for them?
They are good,simple,hard working people that need to know the truth but also will have their worlds rocked at the same.
Is there any "good" time to tell them or is it just a shit sandwhich all the way around??

Thanks for your help guys, Jer


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#45167 - 06/24/06 02:40 PM Re: When do I tell my family?
Zipser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 351
Loc: Connecticut
Hi Jer,

I don't know your situation so that's the perspective you should take when reading this but I must admit to some concerns here. Have you read the section on disclosure that's on the site? It offers some guidance for survivors who are looking to disclose to family and friends.

I'm also concerned that you are doing this alone? How will you handle it if the reaction from your family is not what you expect? How will you handle it if the reaction is?

This is a pretty big step you're taking and I hope you have the support system in place "just in case".

Over on the members side there's a long thread dealing with one individual's disclosure. He so generously shared the before, during and after of that particular journey. Each of us must make this trip on our own so what worked for him may not be the best for you. Only you can make that decision. I hope that you've at least had the chance to plan and think this out for yourself.

In any event, we'll be here to offer support so please feel free to send along any thoughts, as much or as little as you're comfortable doing.

Regards,

Zipser

_________________________
"I stand proud that the boy so badly damaged managed to get me this far and I will honor him and myself for being a survivor." - A member

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#45168 - 06/24/06 04:33 PM Re: When do I tell my family?
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Jer It is alse hard to tell love ones that you where sexual abused as a child. I don't know your story so I don't know who the perp was?

I think the best time to tell is mid morring somewhere out side. This give everyone lots of the day to process all this shit. Mid afternoon works also but before anyone starts drinking. Everyone will need time to process their own feeling on this information you give them. It is good to have a few free hours to talk this out with everyone. Being outside seems to be a much better enviroment then in a home.

Good luck.
Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#45169 - 06/24/06 04:33 PM Re: When do I tell my family?
Jerry8-14-04 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 16
Loc: Ohio
Zipser, I am in a situation where I don't really have a choice, my neices are in danger. I am the youngest of 4 boys and it was the oldest who did this to me. He has no kids but my other brothers have several each. The reason this became extremely important is that I just found out HE is living with my mother at her house. My neices visit all the time and my sister-in-law has already commented about some of his odd behavior. I cant take the chance in this happening again.
I will have my wife with me who has turned out to be my biggest supporter. And if anyone has read my previous post you would be able to see why that is so amazing.

I would just like alittle feed back on this and I pray to GOD I am doing the right thing.
Jer


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#45170 - 06/24/06 05:40 PM Re: When do I tell my family?
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Jer I know you are doing the right thing,there are other children in his life who could become targets for he's abuse. I think you are doing the right thing in telling your family about your older brother being a sexual abuser.

With your perp living at your mothers it becomes a little harder to deal with telling. It may be better to tell your two brother 1st and then have them join you at your mothers to tell her. I would try to have your others family on your side before you confort your brother the PERP.

Telling everyone all at the same time could be super hard.

It is really brave of you to tell but you don't have much choice but to protect the kids from posible abuse. I will be thinking about you these next few days. Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#45171 - 06/24/06 09:36 PM Re: When do I tell my family?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jer,

You ARE doing the right thing. I went through this disclosure experience last November and I can share a few points that proved to be very important for me.

1. Tell people in a neutral place, avoiding, if you can, any special place in the house. The reason is that afterwards, that place will be the spot "where Jerry told us".

2. You will have to give them what my T called a "plausible framework". You should be willing to tell them who abused you, of course, but also, in general terms, how long things went on and what happened. On "what happened" you don't have to be graphic. In my case I just said "Everything you can imagine and some things you probably can't imagine."

3. If you feel that your parents were not to blame, your mother will need to be reassured of this. My own parents felt totally gutted that this happened and they had no idea. I made a special effort to assure them that back then (early sixties) the abuse of boys wasn't on anyone's radar.

4. This will be an enormously draining and exhausting experience for you. I hope you will let your wife in on everything that happens and rely on her support. That would be a great help.

Please also call on us here. Post whatever and whenever you can and we will support you in any way possible.

I hope this all goes well, and yes, I agree it needs to be done, not just for your sake, but also to make sure the new generation in your family is not being hurt. If there is a shitstorm of anger and denial, so be it. Just remember that what you are doing is right.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#45172 - 06/25/06 12:23 PM Re: When do I tell my family?
Zipser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 351
Loc: Connecticut
Jer,

Having just caught up with these postings I agree that those children might be in danger and you must do this to put a stop to even a chance that they too might be abused.

Glad to read that your wife is there for you. Good luck and take comfort and strength in knowing that what you are doing is the right thing.

Zipser

_________________________
"I stand proud that the boy so badly damaged managed to get me this far and I will honor him and myself for being a survivor." - A member

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