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#447504 - 09/18/13 12:37 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: CruxFidelis]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I've been trying to think of some examples from everyday life that could illustrate what D.I.D. is like.

I think an 8-track tape might be an example. Suppose you are listening to an 8-track tape and you don't like the song being played. You hit the button and it switches to another track. Another song. The previous track is no longer there but it hasn't been erased. It can be played again later. It's like that.

Or, imagine a slide projector. The older type that threw light through a 2x2 image. When it's time to go to another image, just hit the button and a new slide comes into focus.

When a small child is in great distress, the child somehow "pushes the button" and a new track starts playing. As we become older, we lose the ability as we leave the realm of being a small child. Most will lose the ability to learn how to dissociate. What can cause enough distress to throw up another partition? Sexual abuse can. Or, physical abuse. The CIA used electric shock. Various types of torture can do it.

I have been realizing another trauma I experienced as a very small child. My mother was in some ways very insightful and she seemed to tell me things I would need to know "later". She had repeated several times that when I was a very small child I developed a severe ear infection. That was in the days before antibiotics had appeared. The infection behind my ear drum was building up dangerous and painful pressure. The doctor had her hold me down while he took a sharply pointed tool (a lance) and made a small cut in my ear drum. This allowed the pus to drain out. Would this have hurt? Extremely. I don't remember it consciously. But I feel certain that it was enough to start me on a path of "dissociation". When something became very painful I could switch to a new channel. Small children learn how to do it. They teach themselves.

Then when the sexual abuse started that I report in pufferfish story part 1, I already knew how to dissociate. It's as though a new compartment is thrown up and the intolerable emotions are stored in it. When the abuse is repeated time after time, the new compartment starts to become ornamented. New furniture is added (speaking figuratively of course) until the new room is livable. It can now be recognized as a livable room. As time goes on, the new room may acquire a separate name for itself, and separate ways to respond to the abuse and the memories of previous abuse. The partition between it and the original room prevents the two "rooms" from seeing each other. This is called "amnesia".

Then, when I was 12 years old, the abuse began that I report in pufferfish story part 5. It consisted of lots of sexual abuse and also physical torture. I wonder if the perpetrator had some way of recogizing that I already knew how to dissociate? That would make his job easier.

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (09/18/13 12:43 AM)

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#447688 - 09/19/13 08:32 PM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: Blessedcurse]
GeorgeMartin Offline


Registered: 12/29/07
Posts: 197
Loc: USA
Yes, in Olga Trujillo's book she mentioned 'rooms' in her mind, some decorated and some doors locked etc.

I don't have that sort of internal 'environment'

I don't know what sort of internal world there is, because I am not supposed to know I guess.

"they" are quite separate from my awareness. Unless one of them wants to convey something to me, but so far, it's them to me, not me to them.

They know I told them to go away when I was younger, but they only hid or slept for some years, and then I began to 'crash' mentally due to triggers waking at least one of them back up, and then another would push the other one aside and take over the body again, taking it wherever. Later I would wake up, 'cover' for the lost time, and try to go on with MY life.

But this book by Olga Trujillo, The Sum of My Parts, is somewhat informative.

Another dynamic I have been reading about lately, is that Colin Ross now says, that D.I.D. is a psychotic disorder. Check it out it was on Youtube.com on a radio show with some Irish Radio host.

Perhaps D.I.D. is created out of a mental breakdown, or psychotic episode, that creates the delusions that one has alter personalities etc, I don't know. But if severe trauma or assault on a infant or child can create such a memory dysfunction, in that they 'shift' into thinking they are not in the body/mind, then dissociates into not feeling/seeing/hearing etc the trauma, could it create a variant form of schizophrenia, that is now called D.I.D.? Same bird, just different feathers...

How can a personality/ or state of being, with their own name, yet "thinks" they are younger than the body, conclude that they are younger than the body, when obviously the body is older? Or turn this around, in that a "part" thinks they are older than the body really is, biologically?

Therefore it would seem to be a delusional psychotic disorder, right?

Usually, alters/parts that are older than the body are 'protectors' and 'persecutor' alters are generally in between, and younger child "parts" are obviously, younger than the body biologically. But the perceptions of each is skewed and distorted. Perhaps because 'they' are internal and unaware of 'outside' time, therefore they age slower or faster' than the 'host' personality? It would seem to make sense, but while being outside/ in control of the body, wouldn't the younger or older personality actually come to realize just by looking at the body, that they are not, their stated ages, gender, etc?

This to me would indicate that it is on a dissociative/psychotic/delusional spectrum of mental impairment, of some kind akin to Schizophrenia, and that is why most D.I.D. people are often misdiagnosed?, as being Schizophrenic.

George

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#451591 - 10/28/13 04:25 PM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: GeorgeMartin]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
This afternoon I rediscovered the healing that comes through a particular type of resting. It seems that a good night's sleep is necessary but doesn't quite leave me feeling like I have achieved a healing rest. That's because I continue to heal from DID.

Periodically I sleep to music and I awaken feeling marvelously refreshed. I have found that (for me) Mozart is best. (favorite film Amadeus). I sleep in the car in a safe and quiet spot. I'm half-reclined. In that position my glottal passages don't close or flutter and I don't need a machine to support my breathing (CPAP not CRAP). I don't snore. I enter a deep sleep quickly. Part of my mind remains awake listening to Mozart. I can sometimes sleep a couple of hours like this. I awaken feeling as though I've had a healing rest. I feel as though the strabismus (eye sag), which is a symptom of traumatic dissociation, has achieved some degree of healing.

It seems as though the harmonics of beautiful music are healing to a torn mind. This is the opposite of how DID is created in young people. Sexual abuse and torture create DID in the young. Yes I know from experience. The CIA now uses a type of harmonics (controlled vibration of the brain) to create DID in children*. I don't know any details of this but it must be the opposite of what happens when I sleep while listening to Mozart. If they used that knowledge to bring healing it would be a wonderful thing.

It makes sense to me that if destructive vibrations (harmonics) can set up a diseased state in the mind, that musical vibrations can do just the opposite, that is bring healing.

If you've seen the movie Amadeus, you might remember the scene when Mozart rushes into the large room yelling, 'They've started without me' and they are playing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNJlwRGUVm0

Puffer

* I can provide a reference on this if anybody is interested.


Edited by pufferfish (10/28/13 08:44 PM)

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#459875 - 02/01/14 12:34 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Every example of DID is different. Because of this it is with some hesitancy that I offer this link. But it's something that I think needs to be discussed.

The video is the Dr. Phil show. Dr. Phil is interviewing a lady with DID or Multiple Personality Disorder

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpvYvtmhkZE

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (02/01/14 01:06 AM)

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#459876 - 02/01/14 01:06 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: Blessedcurse]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5953
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I sleep in a car and wake rested and refreshed Puffer. It is very relaxing. I also find going to sleep while listening to a reading of the Bible disconnects me from anxious thoughts. I do not have a D.I.D. diagnosis, but I have suffered from the symptoms. I have experienced alters. I have also witnessed a switch, or transfer while I was communicating with another survivor.

Thank you for continuing to keep this very real disorder in front of us Puffer,

Sam
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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#486411 - 08/02/15 09:21 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: Blessedcurse]
Dissociated1 Offline


Registered: 07/11/15
Posts: 14
Loc: Virginia
Originally Posted By: cris40ky
Do you also "feel" the physical "body" of your female alters?

I do not. My 13 year old female alter and I have very different perceptions of the body. Coconsciousness makes things confusing but she and I can each tell who is fronting by looking in the mirror. If there’s a guy staring back it’s me; if it’s a girl, it’s her. We each need to experience our own sense of having urinated before going to bed; her by sitting down and me standing up (she denies the existence of my penis by not looking at it). My female alter’s chest was erotically sensitive before I even started HRT. 5 1/2 years on a transition level estrogen regimen, mine is still not. Since having started my own yoga practice I have come to realize her spatial understanding of her body, the things she can and cannot do, are very different than mine. One of us has to take the lead; we cannot ping pong back and forth the way we do with mental tasks because of the disorientation in moving the body . It is so extreme we started going to separate classes.

My therapist explained that this difference in body image is fundamental to the way my System coped with CSA. There are things my female alter experienced, feelings and emotions ingrained at a cellular level in the way she perceives her body I cannot know. With therapy the flashbacks, time loss and nightmares have all decreased significantly. I continue to heal, continue to become a better person and my System is learning to trust & cooperate. But for me, fusion of my personalities is not possible and I will never be a "single" person.

Originally Posted By: Blessedcurse
do you feel that there is a place for all of you or that someone has to give up their claim to the body?

The difference between alters can be very extreme depending on their robustness and level of narcissism. The United States of Tara and Fight Club are both disturbingly similar to my reality. My female alter fronted for the System all during junior high. She was furious at all the years she had been cheated out of when she became self aware. The battle between the two of us for control of the body was a bloody one. It has taken a tremendous amount of give and take but my female alter and I have found a balance in sharing the body. See my intro post at http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=485959#Post485959



Edited by Dissociated1 (08/02/15 06:36 PM)
_________________________
Survivor in therapy for Dissociative Identity Disorder

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#486458 - 08/03/15 09:28 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: Blessedcurse]
Dissociated1 Offline


Registered: 07/11/15
Posts: 14
Loc: Virginia
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
I've been trying to think of some examples from everyday life that could illustrate what D.I.D. is like.

The best analogy of my experience of DID is from Fight Club:

Tyler makes slides out of the best single frames from a movie. The first full frontal movie anyone can remember had the naked actress Angie Dickinson. By the time a print of this movie had shipped from the West Coast theaters to the East Coast theaters, the nude scene was gone. Once projectionist took a frame. Another projectionist took a frame. Everybody wanted to make a naked slide of Angie Dickinson.


My alters steal frames from the full length film that is my reality. Snippets of time so small I don't notice they are gone. A frame here and a frame there, strung together in the absence of time, they create another reality I am completely unaware of. Bits and pieces cherry-picked to create whatever truth my Inner Self Helper wants an alter to see. Remove enough consecutive frames and I miss an entire scene...

Another one:
You’re a projectionist and you’re tired and angry, but mostly you’re bored so you start by taking a single frame…and you splice this frame of a lunging red penis or a yawning wet vagina close up into another feature movie…Towering four stories tall over the popcorn auditorium, slippery and red and terrible and no one sees it.

My mind can insert frames as easily it can remove them.

It is amazing how my alters use these stolen bits of time to protect me. All five of us vying for CPU time, our lives the combination of our levels of coconsciousness, shared memories and the fragments of ideas processed in the snippets we have available for thought.

My reality stops when I am not conscious, like closing my eyes when I blink. It is the same for my 7 and 13 year old alters. They both had horrible times adjusting to the fact that the world they knew is gone. I am not necessarily aware when one of my alters is coconscious with me. And even when I am, we do not share the same thoughts, only those we choose to share with each other.


Edited by Dissociated1 (08/03/15 10:54 AM)
_________________________
Survivor in therapy for Dissociative Identity Disorder

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