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#451407 - 10/27/13 03:18 AM Finding a therapist
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 282
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Good morning All

My journey started a while back and with the help of MS and everyone here I've managed to make alot of progress, so much so that I've managed to disclose my CSA to my wife, who I have to say has been amazing, however this weekend after many hours talking she suggested that I need professional help. The problem that I have is where do I start? I live in the UK so if there's anyone on here from over the pond I'd appreciate any advice

A big thank's to everyone here
_________________________
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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#451410 - 10/27/13 04:26 AM Re: Finding a therapist [Re: tbkkfile]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3620
Loc: South-East Europe
I know for this site which offers help to survivors in UK:
http://www.patient.co.uk/support/AMSOSA-Adult-Male-Survivors-of-Sexual-Abuse.htm
and this is the site:
http://malesurvivorstrust.org.uk/

Maybe you could ask there for assistance.

I've read many great articles there and it was one of the first sites for survivors that I've found.

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#451415 - 10/27/13 08:33 AM Re: Finding a therapist [Re: tbkkfile]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Unfortunately tbkkfile, short of finding a therapist privately and funding yourself the question is dam difficult.

You can get antidepressants subscribed by your local gp, but to actually get on the waiting list to see a therapist is a much more serious matter, since you need to pretty much be referd by your gp to a consultant, then if that consultant deems it fit you'll be on the waiting list for a therapist which could take upwards of a year, (heck my dad worked as a community psychiatric nurse for 20 years and even he didn't recommend trying it). Unless your psychologically in a position where you need to be put on a psychiatric ward to prevent yourself hurting others or dying, your pretty much not going to get help from the Nhs.

Regarding alternatives to the Nhs, well I've never had much luck myself. My parents funded a private counselor for a few weeks, but to be honest I wasn't happy with them paying for this for me at all! It just didn't feel right, and the price was quite ridiculous. somewhere Around 50 quid an hour, which to say that my pprofessional voice coaching is thirty quid an hour, (half of which I pay and half is funded by music of life charity), is pretty extreme!

It then didn't help that the counselor basically decided to go freudian on me, and start discussing my premature birth rather than my abuse, insisting that I "felt guilt" about it. I am quite able to debate Freudian principles of the unconscious, but I don't need to have my parents shelling out that sort of money for me to do it.

When I found Durham University had a counselling service which was free to students, I switched to them, and went once a week for around six months. Again though this really didn't feel satisfactory in a lot of ways, possibly because they had no idea about male sa at all! but then again my problem has never been familiarity with my feelings, I know exactly! what I'm feeling and why, it's being helpless to change that has been the problem.

Eventually the uni service transfered my case to the charity "relate" who are supposed to deal with people and relationships. Well I went to see the man for that, told my story again, and they said "we'll get back to you"

It's now close to three years later and they never have!

It's a bit irritating really, since certainly I suspect my genophobia and tactile defensiveness could do with some actual modification, cbt, behavioural therapy etc, but short of asking my parents to pay again and finding someone private who may or may not be useful I'm not sure what to do about this, ---- heck, probably the most! useful thing for fixing my genophobia and bad reactions to touch wouldn't be a therapist at all but an actual loving relationship with a woman to change all those bad associations, but that's not likely either.

In general the thing I've found most helpful have been being on this site, and occasionally talking to friends when needed, though things have to go fairly extreme for this to happen, and regarding other symptoms like my genophobia well I'm in the position now of just having to accept them. Some people have alergies, some people have weak knees, I flinch whenever someone mentions s/x and panic if there's a threat of being seen while undressed.

Well that is how I am and if it say means having to request my own changing room during a production that's the way it is. While I won't say it's unalterable, any means to actually alter it are beyond my control at the moment, and short of winning the lottery or finding a relationship (both about the same likelihood), there isn't a lot else I can do but continue on, learning about myself and making the best of things that I can, and certainly this attitude has seen things like the depression, the sense of worthlessness improve over time.

So while I wouldn't say professional help isn't automatically a bad idea I'd be pretty careful about who it's from, what happens and how much you pay, and with all respect to your wife for me at least it has been possible to get along without it by using this site, a brief period on anti depressants and finding various coping mechanisms (resource management or spacial puzzle games are great for bad periods, nothing like something entirely none competitive and completely ceribral, I once played a spaceship trading economic simulation for close to 36 hours straight).

I do wonder if your wife,(like my mum), is believing that the effects of sa are in some way universally fixable.

My mum certainly fell into this idea, believing if she paid for a professional therapist, (which as I said I wasn't happy about), if she ignored the effects and told boardie jokes while ignoring my reactions, if she paid for a subscription on eharmony (a right royal disaster), it'd some how make all the effects go away. She even once suggested "fixing" my genophobia by finding me a prostitute! (a suggestion I shot down flat).

I know that she has had to come to terms with the fact that the effects of sa are pretty much perminant, just as I have myself.

Just some thoughts of course, I might be entirely wrong about your wife of course.

I still hope some of this vaguely helps.

Luke.


Edited by dark empathy (10/27/13 08:36 AM)

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#451463 - 10/27/13 05:45 PM Re: Finding a therapist [Re: tbkkfile]
txb Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 215
I havenít found it too hard to get counselling through my doctor. He seemed more willing to refer me for that than he was to give me antidepressants. The wait can be pretty long though. The counselling they refer you to seems mostly to be CBT, which I donít really like. And then you are usually given a specific amount of sessions, like 10. It seems like a lot of pressure to Ďbe curedí in only 10 sessions.

I know it sounds crazy to British people to pay for anything healthcare related but some things are worth paying for. £45 a time is pretty eye watering though. When I was searching I found the prices were about £35-£60 an hour.

I found my counsellor through this website: http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/ Itís good because you can search for counsellors that actually specialise in CSA. Some of them just specialise in work related stress or bereavement so definitely look for one who understands your issues. I did find searching pretty hard work because I had specific things I wanted and didnít want. There seems to be lots of different approaches (a lot of them sound like complete BS to me) so itís worth reading up on them and deciding what you think will help you most. And definitely interview them first to see if they are the right fit for you. I think therapy is helping me. Or at least helps me figure stuff out that I maybe couldnít on my own.

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#451481 - 10/27/13 08:55 PM Re: Finding a therapist [Re: tbkkfile]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Glad you found something that worked Txb. I suppose whether the nhs refer you depends upon your gp, though at the time my dad recommended not asking for therapy on the nhs and just getting some antidepressants, which my gp was quite happy to give me (indeed this is the same gp who treated me for stress related symptoms like exema during the really extreme period of my abuse).

I suppose if I had the money to fund it myself I might cconsidder something private, especially to deal with genophobia, but it's the necessity to ask my parents that stops me from doing that, since it just doesn't feel fair.

I will say a useful source if you just want to talk to another human being can be samaritans, though who you get on the phone can vary quite a lot. Some listen actively and make comments, but some of them are less useful, indeed on one occasion at about two in the morning I yelled at one of the samaritans down the phone "can you actually say! anything besides mmm! MMMM! really doesn't help that much!" and then slammed it down, (believe it or not I now smile about this).

Seriously I would recommend samaritans if you just have so much pressure you need! to talk to someone, since I have actually had some good people from them, ---- though for me at least to get to the stage of needing to talk to another human always meant things had got very desperate.

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#451510 - 10/28/13 02:01 AM Re: Finding a therapist [Re: tbkkfile]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 282
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
It seems to me that if I have a major road traffic accident and get wheeled into A & E then the NHS are top notch (I speak through experience) but getting help with anything else is a problem.

I think that my wife suggested it because whilst she gives me emotional support she's not sure how to deal with the cause or symptoms, pretty understandable.

DE I know that she doesn't think it fixable, that there's a magic pill called a therapist, she knows that its impossible to forget or completely heal, but after 40 or so years of dissociation, a self destructive and addictive personality, I need to do something and this is one avenue she suggested to explore.

As a footnote I tried the samaritans and got pretty much the same as you I gave up in the end and put the phone down.

Thanks for all of your comments and help.

Thanks for your advice txb and the link
_________________________
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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#451512 - 10/28/13 03:11 AM Re: Finding a therapist [Re: tbkkfile]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Well tbkkfile, in fairness I'm not convinced my mum literally "thinks" the abuse is fixable on a conscious level, she's after all not stupid and having been married to a psychiatric nurse must be aware what therapy is, but I do know she has one of those personalities which tries to very much fix people, (often people who place themselves in a position that is unfixable). This is a tendency that has often got her into trouble in the past.

I'd not give up with samaritans though, since it really does depend who you get and some of them are actually quite useful, then again up here we get the characteristically blunt tendencies of jordies which probably helps with that.

Apart from therapy, one thing I really do! recommend is cutting down on other commitments. There is no other way of saying it, recovery is bloody hard work, whether your doing therapy or not. Depression and kicking yourself out of it, self examination, nightmares, it's all not easy.

One of the best decisions I made was cutting my phd from full to part time. It meant basically on days when I couldn't get myself into the creative frame of reference to work no matter how I tried I didn't have to (and there is nothing worse than sitting staring at your own work so lacking in energy you find it utterly incomprehensible).

Then of course, ways to get around bad periods really help too. For me this meant puzzle games and resource management games, and amazingly high coco dark chocolate, rather than resorting to coping mechanisms that were less useful, ---- which for me meant excessive isolation, (there were points i literally didn't leave my flat for six or seven days straight since I couldn't bare to be around people, and while a little intravertion is one thing, there is definitely a point it can become too much).

All of this goes with self knolidge though and is why recovery is such hard work.

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#451560 - 10/28/13 12:10 PM Re: Finding a therapist [Re: tbkkfile]
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 473
Loc: UK
I did about three years of therapy and found it really helpful, I need to start again sometime soon. I won't say therapy is the only way but for me it made a huge difference. As you are in the south east I guess London is possible for you. If money is an issue therapists in training or newly qualified can be very reasonable. This is a good organisation http://www.survivorsuk.org/ they have a helpline that would be more suitable than the Samaritans, they also do individual and group therapy and the fees are negotiable.
Good luck with it.
Peter

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#451567 - 10/28/13 12:34 PM Re: Finding a therapist [Re: tbkkfile]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 282
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Thank you Peter for taking the time and for the link its appreciated
_________________________
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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