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#451194 - 10/24/13 05:35 PM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
Can I just to a moment to say that I think its sad that a man has to be so parinoid about giving a complement.
Still I think you are smart to be careful. Its sad that csa is so prevelent that if someone says "hey good looking kid you've got there. " they have to worry about coming off as a pervert.
If you want to play it safe just make a comment about how much she has grown since you last saw her. If the Mom gets creeped out by that then well that's just ridiculous.
There is such a double standard. As a woman I'm allowed to comment on the appearance of children and teens and no one thinks twice about it.
My H also worries about coming off as a perv. He is so careful when it comes to kids and boundries. As a man I understand you have to be careful but I will say this is one area where I don't envy you guys.
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#451198 - 10/24/13 06:20 PM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 724
Loc: NJ
I agree with HD - such a double standard, and given the recent post by pufferfish with the stats on female abusers, it is a dangerous double standard indeed.

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#451234 - 10/25/13 12:07 AM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
A neighborhood female peer-friend of my son was pretty much a tomboy in all ways (herein called Girl X). She was/is just like my old childhood friend from across the street whom I lost on 9-11.

So anyway, X could play the full boy's role and then-some. She had the scabby knees and elbows, could out skateboard my kids and still catch frogs all in the same day.

X, me, my kids and ex-wife are all very comfortable around each other. We've all known each other since X was born. During a kitchen table conversation between all of us, the topic of wearing a dress came up with my tomboy daughter and girl X. I believe her words were "I'll die before I wear a dress." I said nothing and smirked. She said "WHAT!!!" and punched my arm.

Fast forward to the High School X is now in. Walked by me wearing a dress. Frowned, clenched her fist and made NO eye contact while storming by "Don't you dare say a word Still !!."

So I already know the answer for this one. Even my son knows to not say a word.
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#451242 - 10/25/13 03:48 AM Re: Protocol 101 [Re: Still]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1585
Loc: New England
"What a lovely young lady your daughter has grown up to be. You must be very proud of her. HEY, how about those Red Sox!"
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#451251 - 10/25/13 07:51 AM Psychology 101 [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Moved to its own thread.


Edited by Still (10/25/13 07:58 AM)
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#451282 - 10/25/13 05:26 PM Re: Psychology 101 [Re: Still]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 733
Loc: NJ
Taking my toys, and heading home.


Edited by Castle (12/18/13 07:45 PM)
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#451308 - 10/25/13 10:53 PM Re: Psychology 101 [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Quote:
not really a societal issue of being able to compliment a young person or telling their parents you think they are thriving in life.


Well, I can't fix society's weird adherence with the myths, and since my ex told the entire town I was every sort of whack-job possible, I have to watch my step every minute of every day when I'm here. This is also the town that unconditionally protected the career, multiple CSA offender, even though they KNEW he did it.

I was not seeking to apply labels to anyone, especially any child. Furthermore, I've never pushed anyone into any gender role. I don't think I've seen it done except by mega-jocks' parents. The concern here was strictly to not fk-up when communicating with normals.
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#451341 - 10/26/13 12:06 PM Re: Psychology 101 [Re: Still]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 733
Loc: NJ
So the question isn't really based on a societal issue at all... it's based on what your ex told people and how it effects you in your community.

Sadly the vampire myth certainly prevents me from being open about my abuse... and I too would be very upset if my truth/ private journal was forced out there.

I'm not asking for details, but I am curious exactly what she said about you... What the healing journal said that so many turned on you..I don't have the time or energy to really get involved but all the times I've read you say this, it peaks my curiosity.
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#451342 - 10/26/13 12:13 PM Re: Psychology 101 [Re: Still]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 733
Loc: NJ
Taking my toys, and heading home.


Edited by Castle (12/18/13 07:45 PM)
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#451395 - 10/27/13 12:51 AM Re: Psychology 101 [Re: Castle]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: Castle
So the question isn't really based on a societal issue at all... it's based on what your ex told people and how it effects you in your community.

Sadly the vampire myth certainly prevents me from being open about my abuse... and I too would be very upset if my truth/ private journal was forced out there.

I'm not asking for details, but I am curious exactly what she said about you... What the healing journal said that so many turned on you..I don't have the time or energy to really get involved but all the times I've read you say this, it peaks my curiosity.


The journal documented the voice of the 8-yo for all the things he was never allowed to say, reveal, etc. It allowed him to scream in a voice he Still does not have. I spoke of the home violence that is rarely discussed here at MS...that I Still cannot truly loot at without falling apart.

It spoke of all the fears of being found-out. The self-loathing, the self-hate, the total lack of love.

As for the Village People. What Ex told them was generally that I hid being abused as a child..."sexually abused dontcha know." From there, all the Billy Ftards were allowed to come to their own conclusions and they ALL seemed to be based upon the myths. You may not fully get just how deeply entrenched the myths are in the general population...but they are farging deep!

The judge ate it all up and gave her every restraing order or action she wanted. I had to watch my son's baseball from a distance. No one would come over and even say hello. I don't need to go into detail...just so its known, I know how messed-up people are in seeing CSA.
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