Newest Members
DougieB, sethpeterson, R Ellis, SailingAway, Kitty6
12320 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
iwishicared (41), Scott Oliver (53), TutDaVinci (32)
Who's Online
8 registered (DougieB, Judith, don64, 3 invisible), 24 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12320 Members
74 Forums
63370 Topics
443121 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#451204 - 10/24/13 07:11 PM Group Terror
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
I can't seem to get past the idea of being afraid of any kind of group T. People try to be nice and encouraging and say: "try it and if it is not for you then ok you'll know, but maybe you'll like it." Inside the idea just scares me totally, and I have a hard enough time doing HC, much less being live and in person with other survivors. Then I'm not sure I would be welcome really, and I could try to say why, but don't want to say it in a public post. Maybe it's just ok not to be a group T person, but it frustrates me totally that I don't have a good answer for why I don't want to try it that would make sense.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

Top
#451215 - 10/24/13 08:21 PM Re: Group Terror [Re: BuffaloCO]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 585
Buff,

Every man for himself, really. Just because we're all CSA survivors, it doesn't mean that there aren't any differences amongst us. The nature of the abuse, our life around the abuse, our personalities, what we like/dislike etc. I think they all play a role in what helps us and what doesn't. Some things work for some, not for others. You're in it for your own recovery, there's no pressure for you to justify why something that works for someone else doesn't work for you.
_________________________
Husky

Top
#451217 - 10/24/13 08:37 PM Re: Group Terror [Re: BuffaloCO]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Hi, Buffalo.

As far as group T is concerned, I think I understand your reluctance to be a part of one. It would be difficult for me to willingly step into a situation where I felt vulnerable and judged (in my mind anyway) on everything from age to background to marital status... you know... whatever. I hope its okay not to be a group T person, cause I am not one either. 'Sides, on the few occasions I have asked about a group for male survivors, none exist. Throughout the state, none exist. And everything husky listed regarding us as individuals and survivors are the determine factor. The therapy which works for one may not work for another. Be easy on yourself.
...btw... what is HC? I have seen it referred to multiple times, but am clueless as to what it refers.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#451219 - 10/24/13 08:46 PM Re: Group Terror [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
Thanks guys. HC = Healing Circle, it's a moderated group chat they do here on Sunday and Wednesday nights, 9pm (Eastern Standard Time US).
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

Top
#451220 - 10/24/13 08:49 PM Re: Group Terror [Re: BuffaloCO]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Ah. Thank you, B-Co.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



Top
#451250 - 10/25/13 06:35 AM Re: Group Terror [Re: BuffaloCO]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 594
Buffalo, but I am also frightened and panicky just thinking about. Being surrounded by males who know I'm vulnerable is pretty much my idea of hell. On a mental level I could tell myself that these people are not out to hurt me, but on an animal/emotional/instinct level it would not matter. Just being able to participate in HC without being paranoid of other people is a big step for me.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

Top
#451253 - 10/25/13 08:11 AM Re: Group Terror [Re: BuffaloCO]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
While I absolutely completely and totally agree with Husky, and certainly there are things other people do or try or find helpful that just seem down right bizarre to me, there is another side to it as well.

There are occasions when trying something which initially seems like a bad idea can actually prove helpful, particularly in knowing yourself it's not something that controls you. I had this experience with groups myself. I am not a groups or extravert person, my abuse was entirely public, and the idea of being that vulnerable around others just struck me as dire. A man from this site however who I did trust suggested I try a mike loo recovery conference in 2010.

I didn't like the idea, but I decided to try it anyway from what I knew of the chap who'd recommended it, and of Mike loo, (although I've never actually read his book).

It turned out to be a very worth while experience, if one that was ridiculously intensive and not something i'd want to repeat too often. For a start I appreciated the fact that ground rules were absolutely set such as no physical contact and at any discomfort people stop what they're doing even if just a discussion, (no triggering conversation ).

I'm not actually suggesting you try a similar group, that's something that only you can decide, but I do know for me what I initially, as an intravert, as a surviver of public gang rape and indeed as a disabled person thought was a pretty scary thing turned out to be helpful, purely because of the way it was setup and the fact that obviously Mike Loo and the others involved in the organization were more than familiar enough with sa to setup something that was as safe as humanly possible, albeit it's not something I'd want to do once a week or even once a month.

As I said, this isn't to say you should run out and try groups. Sometimes there are things which we're reluctant to do for a very good reason, (my genophobia tells me this), but sometimes not, it's just a question of self knolidge and being open to the possibility.

I'd therefore personally suggest that perhaps you could think about this, about the nature of your reluctance with groups, about whether a group could! help, and maybe if you think it's worth at least examining looking into something that might be available and whether that would be safe and reasonable to do.

If on the other hand you decide it's of no help and would just cause more trouble, ---- well fair enough, and you've not lost anything, you just know something else about yourself.

After all, your recovery and what is and isn't comfortable, and which things to push and which to let be are all your business and your responsability, and the more you know about yourself the better.

Top
#451268 - 10/25/13 01:20 PM Re: Group Terror [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
Thanks guys. I know the reasons for my fears, just don't know if they would apply to every group. Feeling safe and welcome is a big part of it. A chat room discussion on WoR a few nights ago only reinforces what I feel but, saying it out loud is also not something that feels like a safe thing to do here. So will try to think on the stuff said so far and see if that helps. Maybe I should just back away from thinking about trying it for a while as somethings just get me angry and frustrated in not knowing how to speak. At least I can do HC and even talk sometimes too. That's more then I could do when I first got here.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

Top
#451337 - 10/26/13 11:17 AM Re: Group Terror [Re: BuffaloCO]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
I've gotten some good feedback, and am feeling better now. I don't know that I'll ever join a group but at least I'm getting to a place inside where I can move forward still. There are resources out there, and not every thing has to work for everyone. We are different people here, but we are all survivors. I keep going back to what I said when I first started in T and in healing: get up or give up. If I give up, that means "they" win, the predators. By getting up and keeping on trying to find hope I'm not letting them win again. Actually I think it says they never won to begin with, and another lie and chain on me is broken forever in that. Victory comes in fighting back and not giving in to the lies of the enemy.
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

Top
#451382 - 10/26/13 09:54 PM Re: Group Terror [Re: BuffaloCO]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3363
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Buff -

just over two years ago, i could not imagine talking to a T about CSA. i was terrified of telling my wife. i thought i would never be able to go to any kind of support group for survivors. i was certain that i would never tell my children.

as of today, i have done all of the above - things that practically petrified me in the past. i am not saying this to brag or gloat - but just to say - things can change for you. you may very well fell totally differently about it in a few months. don't give up or say never - you don't know what you can or can't do until some future day when it all becomes possible.

LEE
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.