Iíve been thinking about the things lately that used to really trouble me but donít cause nearly as much of a problem any more. I used to wonder if I would ever be healed, but I had trouble saying what healed would look like. If I look back on the things that used to cause me pain every day or nearly every day, and I realise that they bother me only very rarely now, then that helps me see that the help Iíve sought really has helped, the work Iíve put into recovering really has worked, and the steps Iíve taken have eventually brought me farther than I used to think possible.
Here are some examples:
1) I used to somehow imagine or feel my brotherís penis in my mouth as I was running errands or doing things that didnít need concentration . I donít know when this stopped, as I think it must have done so gradually, but the main thing is I donít remember the last time I had this sensation in my mouth.
2) It used to be that I would wake up every morning thinking about what my mother and my brother did to me. Since I woke up with an erection, I felt that I was aroused by the memories and somehow wanted those things to happen or wanted to remember them. I hated these morning erections and the memories. Abstractly, I knew the two did not have to be related, but I couldnít help associating them and feeling guilty. This was a terrible was to start every day. I donít know when it stopped, but this is not a problem any more.
3) I used to hurt myself. I wonít say how, because I am afraid it could trigger someone. It was a frightening cycle that would lead to punishing myself for not being hard enough on myself, and then punishing myself for the self-harm. I felt like I was losing my mind. It has been several months since I hurt myself, and the urges are much less frequent and easier to resist.
4) Sometimes, particularly if I was in a small group of people, I used to wonder what they would think of me if they knew I had been sexually abused. I felt like it was dark secret, and that if it got out, I would lose everyoneís respect. I have still not gone public, but there have been a few settings where I almost told. On those occasions, I have not been worried anymore about what the people around me would think, because I know they would put it in right perspective (as I had to learn to do.) They would not blame me, and would probably support me.
This is all pretty big stuff, actually, which is why I feel like I have to post it.
There IS hope. Things CAN get better. Hard work CAN pay off. There ARE good people out there.
It is NOT my fault.
Edited by ModTeam (10/26/13 09:02 AM)
Edit Reason: Triggers warning added.
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy