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#45131 - 12/12/03 07:57 PM Surgery
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
Hi folks:

I haven't posted for a while. Sorry. You may recall that I have filed for divorce from the wife. I lived with Mom and Dad for a few months, got off the Lexapro in September, and got an apartment. Went to the retreat in October for Clergy SA survivors. I found such healing there, left so much baggage there. But I picked up something new....I have a bone spur pressing up against a nerve root in the cervical spine area, causing pain in my left shoulder blade and numbness all down my left arm. My left thumb and index finger are very numb. I've been in pain since Columbus day. I just learned today that the only solution is to have the bone fragment or spur removed. I have surgery on Monday morning at 7:30am. I am terrified. It's day surgery, and should be home by 4 or 5pm. It should be no big deal. But I am so afraid. The last month or so, I've been steadily headed downhill on a depression spiral. Drinking, trying all different kinds of therapy, like polarity therapy, cranio-sacral therapy, accupuncture, reiki, assorted supplements, was somewhat hooked on Vicodin and Percodan, until I became tolerant of those and they didn't work anymore. Like everything else, nothing lasts for more than a few hours to relieve the pain. The physical pain is not, obviously, the only pain I am living with, though its manifestation has been quite disabling. I still have the pain of losing my wife and family. I was on the very brink so many times. Praise the Lord, Odin, Mary that I made some new friends. They actually have kicked my butt several times to get me out of my rut. I finally called the doc yesterday, and am starting Effexor. God, I hate to take anti-depressants and pain meds. They don't seem to help much, but what else is one to do. Still in therapy, have done another EMDR session to try to somehow heal from the wounds of a broken heart. Still not healed. And my friends, they have saved me. And they don't expect anything back. They love me for who I am, as I am. They don't expect me to change who I am. They just want me to be me, and to be well. Well you may know them, they have been to this board before, Ernie is one of them, and "Marc's Friend" is the other. Plus I've become much closer than ever before to my sisters and my Mom and Dad. I am allowed to have friends. It's very different, and hard to get used to it. I miss my kids so much. I only get to see them every other weekend and on Wednesday nights. When I drop them off, her roommate is there, and I leave and come home to my empty apartment, and find little reminders everywhere of those boys. And I sit here and cry my eyes out. And that's when I get right on the edge. And so, tonight, "marc's friend " comes over, and she tells me about some posts that she read I'd put up some time ago. One of them really has kinda woken me up a little bit.

Remember this one?

suicide was a big issue for me before new years, 2003. Until...

My cousin, was kicked out by his second wife, with no real contact with his children by his first wife, nor his daughter by his second wife. He thought his pain would never end. I don't think he was a survivor of SA, but he sure was in alot of pain. Wrote his ex and his wife, and his kids letters. Mailed em. Shot him self dead on new years eve.

He said in his letters that if he could not be with his wife and kids, he could not be here at all.

I went to the funeral. This is the spooky part.

He spoke to me, at the memorial service at the Firefighters Memorial (he was a volunteer Firefighter) Almost like in a dream, but I was wide awake. "Look at my mother, my father, my wife, my ex wife, my son, my daughters. (they were sobbing in so much pain as we all were) I could not deal with my pain, so I thought I could get rid of it all by ending my life. I was wrong. All I did was stop my own pain, and gave it all to those whom I love the most here on earth. Marc, don't ever think what I did was the easy or correct thing to do. It solved nothing, my family bears my pain, and I carry more pain in this place than I did on earth..." And he was gone.

I feel pain, suffering, sadness, anger, rage all those things we as SA survivors feel. But it took my cousin's suicide (and speaking with brothers like Dan in NE, Chey-WY, Lightfang, the Dean )to make me realize that the end is not the answer.

orodo

And so, as I go into surgery on Monday, I still have those thoughts of "Gee wouldn't it be easy to escape all this pain from the Divorce, the physical pain, the SA pain, if i just never came out from the anesthesia". But what good will it do? I have to be here for my boys. I will always have to deal with their Mother. Where do I find the strength to continue living like this? Is there ever an end? I just wanna be healed and live a life of peace with my children. But even that is denied. There is no Peace on Earth for this man this Christmas. Just pain, more pain.

No need to post any replies, just know that I still am here. Pray for Peace for us all, if you can.

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#45132 - 12/12/03 09:03 PM Re: Surgery
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
But I want to post, 'cause I'm glad to see you here.#

Dave \:\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#45133 - 12/13/03 10:25 AM Re: Surgery
Dale English Offline
Newsletter Founder/Producer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 448
Loc: PA
...me too Orodo..I "want" to post. To let you know I will consciously hold you in my thoughts Monday while you allow others to help you heal physically. Posting is letting others help you heal emotionally and spiritually. With memories of Angels Rest.

Taz


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#45134 - 12/13/03 11:04 AM Re: Surgery
abcd Offline
Member

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
Orodo,

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. As someone in the medical field, I'm not really that worried about your Monday surgery, as it is simpler than you might think. If it gives you comfort, really...it is.

The more troublesome stuff (speaking from a fellow survivor who has been in his own ruts) is the escape from reality approach you sometimes fall into (be in it medications or whatever it might be). To this, I say just keep on picking yourself up, as you have been doing. I note how you talk about your family and have gone to clergy SA group. That's good...those things help ground you in reality. As someone who can tend to get out of that reality at times, I know how hard it is to focus on what IS important and what IS in front of you. The big thing is to I guess really be accountable to yourself for it. One of the big things that I have a danger of not paying enough attention to is to realize that when I'm angry, alone, hungry, stressed, or just plain tired, I am most vulnerable for "escape from reality" type "addictions" (I say addictions because escape from reality is not necessarily bad, but too much of it, certainly is, especially if takes away from important aspects of your life).

Believe it or not, one of the biggest things you can perhaps do is just to try to be outside and be with people. That is, go to the gym, go the library, go to a coffee place, go to a bookstore...read a book on abuse stuff, divorce stuff, or whatever you'd like. Sometimes if you're too cooped up (at least this applies to me), you fall into the same old spirals. Anyway, just a thought.

Hope that made sense. You've gone a long way and survived this far, don't give up now. The secret to success isn't never falling, but getting up everytime you fall.


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#45135 - 12/14/03 09:02 AM Re: Surgery
Marcs friend Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/15/03
Posts: 16
Loc: Maine
Marc - I know how hard it was for you to write that post. You made me cry and gave me goose bumps as well, reading your cousin's words to you and your acceptance of 'the end' not being the true solution, since it isn't truly the end of anything but just increases your pain and brings fresh waves of pain to all of us who know and love you. And even though it brought you down a little bit more, and made you cry as well, I am glad I remembered that post and went looking for it the other day. Because it did help you to read those words, your cousin's words to you and also your words to your brothers at NOMSV/MS. And since you've been slipping underneath the darkness rather a lot during the last couple of weeks, you may have no idea how afraid I have been for you. That there would be a phone call to say "He did it. He's gone." and I don't think there's any way I could have accepted that news without a crushing burden of guilt and sorrow that would follow me all the days of my life.

This reply is to give you a little more support, to publicly wish you well on your seemingly never ending journey of healing. Just when you think you've conquered one thing, wham! along comes a new dragon to take its place. Well, it's time for that cycle, the downward spiral to end. You have come so far, and once your physical pain is gone (which hopefully will have a good start on Monday and then steady improvement til it's totally gone in a week or two - haven't you ever heard of the tremendous Power of Positive Thinking??), you can use your tremendous spiritual strength to focus on and deal with the pain of loss and separation. We can and will sort it out, your feelings will be respected and we will work through the onset of depression by dealing with its cause rather than relying solely on meds to control your mind and emotions. You know that's not the true solution for you. I don't think you fully realize just how much impact the relentless severe pain you have suffered for the past two months has had on you. It has taken its toll on you physically, obviously, has aged you right in front of my eyes. But its emotional toll has been far greater. It has run you down, worn you out. Never having experienced anything like that before, how could you know what it would do to you? Your doctors should have known, should have prepared you for it and helped you deal with it. But they I suppose have their own priorities and a patient's mental health doesn't seem to be as important to them as the physical manifestations of their injuries. So be it.

You are strong and will be able to rebuild your life, a different pathway of life than you had once imagined, but a good life nonetheless. One where YOU will be the center, comfortable with yourself and where you are, so you can be there - ALL OF YOU - for your boys - the most important thing in your life, and your family and your friends. I think I can safely and honestly say "we all love you Marc" and will do whatever it takes to support you during this horribly tough time of transition. Just do not be afraid to ask for help. There is NO shame to that asking. And you need not feel shame for anything, for any part of you, past, present or future. You are a good person, Marc, a man of integrity and compassion, and you have done the best you could. I respect you and will pledge to always be here for you, in whatever capacity you need or want, and will always unconditionally accept and love you for who you are, what you are, whatever you become - always and forever, no matter what.


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#45136 - 12/14/03 07:26 PM Re: Surgery
orodo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/02
Posts: 735
Loc: Imladris, The Safe Haven of Ar...
Well I just went over to drop off some laundry to the kids at her place, which they left behind at my place last thursday. I gave them all a big hug and a kiss and asked to think of me tomorrow and that I would call them tommorrow night. They didn't seem worried in the least. I didn't want to give them that fear or impression anyway, so I think that's good. I'm still very anxious about this surgery. It's not the recovery part afterwards, I know I can handle that. It's the breathing tube they use when you are put under general anesthesia. I've read in a couple of different places that because of the way this surgery is done, they have to put the tube in before you are anesthetized. Imagine why I might have fear of someone putting something down my throat?

I've got plenty to keep my mind busy when I get back to Mom n Dads. Got books on "healing from the wounds of emotional abuse" and one on healing from shame, and another about finding God in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, and another about Myth, reality, and Reliogion in the works of JRR Tolkein.

I know I'll come through this fine, but it is the worst bunch of feelings I've had these last two months, all seems to be culminating tonight.

I hope I can sleep. Just had a whole bunch of turkey salad, for its sleep effect, of course. Thanks for the turkey "marc's friend" I think it will help.

I'll post again afterwards. LYLAB

_________________________
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"

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#45137 - 12/15/03 01:21 AM Re: Surgery
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
When I had surgery, I shared my "fears" and concerns with the Doc's before surgery - especially "the breathing tube" part. They made it so I don't even remember that happening.

YES!! You certainly have my prayers!!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#45138 - 12/15/03 01:17 PM Re: Surgery
Orodo's lil sis Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/29/02
Posts: 3
Loc: Maine, USA
Hello to everyone!
I just recieved word that Orodo is in the recovery room. It will take time for him to have full feeling in his hand and for the pain to be completely gone, but maybe our prayers will be answered and his physical pain will be gone. Thank you to everyone who prayed and supported him in this.
Orodo, your journey is far from over, but know that many of us are still behind you, are always with you, and will never leave you!!!!!!
We love you!
lil' sis

_________________________
"I Believe"

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#45139 - 12/15/03 02:45 PM Re: Surgery
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Orodo,

I haven't posted here much lately either. I think I told you the reason. All I want to say is that I am wishing you the best, A full and speedy recovery, and freedom from the pain you have been in.

Hang in there FRIEND. You are a very special person.

((((((( MARC ))))))))

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#45140 - 12/15/03 02:46 PM Re: Surgery
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Orodo,

I haven't posted here much lately either. I think I told you the reason. All I want to say is that I am wishing you the best, A full and speedy recovery, and freedom from the pain you have been in.

Hang in there FRIEND. You are a very special person.

((((((( MARC ))))))))

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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