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#451231 - 10/24/13 10:56 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Hey FM,

So many of us have been in the exact same place, saying all the same things. This process of recovery is the hardest work a man can do in life. Facing all the horrors and pain is something no one wants to do, its what we have to do to get well and reclaim our lives. You are worth reclaiming!

Its okay to bitch and moan and cry through it. Theres no wrong way to do this. Its okay to take a break from it. To say this week I'm canceling my T appointment and am not going to think about it. Find a balance and pace that allows you to be both productive in recovery and stable in your life outside recovery.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#451237 - 10/25/13 12:45 AM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Jude
I wish there was a formula to doing this...between the night terrors, the scared to fall asleep, my t sessions something has to break... Just scared its me
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#451241 - 10/25/13 03:43 AM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
No, I'm afraid there's no formula. No one size fits all program of recovery. For me its been intensive therapy including EDMR, a 12 step program, and MS.

It helps me to tell myself that the pain is a normal response to what I've been through. I need to feel it, and work through it. And most importantly that the pain won't destroy me, but continuing to try to bury it will.

Every day I grab my nuts and press on because I will not accept the rest of my life being controlled by what was done to me. I've already lost to much time to it.
_________________________
Seems I've got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I've got to leave before I start to scream
Joe Cocker

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#451273 - 10/25/13 02:10 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Dave PNW Offline


Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 121
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hey Flight Medic. Hold steady and hang in there. This is hard stuff we are working thru. Hardest thing I have ever done and I have lived through a lot at 53. You are taking the right steps even though it might not feel that way, even when it is really deeply painful. Seeing a T and connecting to a comnunity of male survivors for support is crucial. Good work. Doing both of those things takes a huge amount of courage. A lot of guys never get to that point.

Feeling alone. I know how that feels too. We do have to work this out inside us and that often feels like we are doing a free solo ascent. But you know there are a bunch of us on similar routes here and we can tell each other how its going. There are also so many guys here so far ahead and it helps to know they were like me, like you once.

I know the feeling of wanting to just put the CSA away in its box and go back to the way I was two years ago. A year before I opened this up. But even if I wanted to, I know thats not possible. I have had the feeling from time to time where I have been afraid that the pain and depression are going to be my new "normal". But thankfully I have reached a plateau or maybe just a wide ledge on the route and I am able to rest, take stock of where I have been, figure out what is next.

This work we are doing is hard and exhausting. I have a lot of endurance, but I have known deep periods of exhaustion the last six months. I didnt know I could hurt this much. We all go through this differently, but we all experience things in common. Part of why this site is so helpful to me.

I think of my recovery work on a good day like its a long expedition in high and wild country. Its hard work. There will be pain and exhaustion. I will sometimes not know where I am at. I will be unsure of myself and sometimes feel afraid. I will wish sometimes I could just stop and go home, go back to the warm and familiar. I have to remind myself to rest, hydrate and eat well; spend time with those who love me; do some things just because they make me feel good, even if I dont think they will. Exercise is one for me ... long open water swims and hiking or paddling my kayak. These all produce feel good chemicals in my body and help me feel in control of something simple and good. It also helps me forget for a little while. FM do those things that you remember felt good. Dont expect transformation to occur overnight. We chip away at it.

Finally. Capturing the memory. I am sorry you are having nightmares. You said in an earlier post that you found it hard to talk to your T about the abuse. I understand. I couldnt put what happened to me into words for 40 years. But I know that writing it down for my eyes only was the first step. It took all those pieces and put them together. First it was the physical facts; then the words and dialogue; the setting and context; later the feelings.... It didnt come all at once. It came in scraps and pieces.
What i did was to try to capture it in my journal. My journal was the note section on my ipod. Locked behind two layers of passwords I felt safe enough to keep it hidden from the world. I could carry it everywhere and whenever I got a stream of memory I captured it. Sometimes afraid I might lose it. Eventually it became my story. My first couple of T appointments I kept my ipod on my lap, just in case I couldnt talk. It was there if I needed to remember.

Telling your story. First to yourself. Then a deeply trusted person. For me it was a friend here at MS, then the open story section (right for me at the time - got a lot of support) then my T, then my wife. We all do this differently. But the telling dissipates some of the power from the abuse. Telling gives us bits and pieces of control back. I remember writing after disclosing here and with my T that for the first time in 40 years I was feeling less afraid of my story. Our demons from our abuse live and draw strength from secrecy and fear. Telling our story robs the demons and feeds our spirit. You will find that place. Start where you feel safest and build from there. We will be here to support you. Your not alone.

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#451280 - 10/25/13 04:36 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Thank you for sharing. The alone part isn't the support from here it is the lack of male ( non sexual) physical contact. Ie hugs hand shakes those type of things.
I am trying to make male friends but it's hard ...

Flight
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#451289 - 10/25/13 06:14 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Dave PNW Offline


Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 121
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hey Flight Medic. I know that can be difficult to do with a full job, married and with kids. Oh yeah and while your trying to work through major emotional trauma from childhood. Something that helps me is my involvement in sport, in my case competitive swimming. I train with and compete with guys at these open water races and I am finding I get a lot of great support from them. It wasnt at all what i started this for, but it has been a nice surprise. I know guys who play softball and soccer and they get the same kind of charge. They dont talk about it directly, but its obvious. Might find something like that in Kansas. Even bowling has a great social dimension. It doesnt have to be a competitive setting. I know hiking and climbing and canoe clubs can do this as well as long as its physically engaging as well as having a social dimension.

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#451294 - 10/25/13 07:09 PM Re: So alone [Re: Dave PNW]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Hi Flight ,

I don't that I have much to add, but I do know that you should have been protected, deserved safety and security, and they let you down. It's not because of who you are, it was others failed you.

Based on what I have experienced and heard from others is that healing consists of gradual progress and occasional setbacks, but you always gain some ground. I have seen men I greatly admire here, those who help a lot of others go through set backs, and when they do they reach out for help. And in my mind that only reinforces my belief in their strength. You have already gained ground, and when you stumble you will always find someone here who will help pull you up.

Keep climbing brother. We're right beside you.

Much love,
Matt
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#451297 - 10/25/13 07:49 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Matt and Dave,
I really appreciate both of you taking the time to reach out to me. I have been in a very dark place for awhile now. I do have some really great people here that have done more than I could ever thank them for. I am such a loner that it is very hard for me to be in large groups or orgainzed teams. I have three really great friends that I stay intouch with from highschool the only problem is that I am not that person anymore. I truly dont even know who I am. The things I do know I love my wife and want to be the man she deserves but I fail her all the time. I am a dad and that is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.

I do feel like I was failed as a child I have lots of self loathing on why I didnt tell and on the other hand how did they not know.... This haunts me on a daily basis and keeps me from trusting and getting close to anyone.....

again thank you for walking beside me..... I dont know what I would do without MS...

Flight
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#451522 - 10/28/13 07:02 AM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Bill61 Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 41
Loc: Illinois
Hey Flight,
I have seen therapists, to many to count psychiatrists to help me with my past. I suffered from deep depression, anxiety attacks and suicide attempts but never knew what was causing it. This year on my birthday February, I got a gift from my mother and sister to see a different therapist who helped dive into my subconscious and find out what was causing everything. She was able to discover that I stopped living in 1977 and was in limbo for 36 years. Through various sessions and hypnosis I was able to release what had locked me up. I too was abused: one physically - Jesuit priest who was my high school counselor and I received mental and emotional abuse from mother. Tomorrow I am meeting with my therapist to pull any of that mental/emotional abuse from my subconscious and see if there was any physical abuse as well.

Here is the people who helped me: drdarrenweissman.com. Darren is local for me but he can do skype sessions as well.

Bill61
_________________________
Small Stones
"Those who remove mountains begin by carrying away small stones"

"I am in charge of how I fell and I choose HAPPINESS" from The Law of Attraction.

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#451548 - 10/28/13 10:27 AM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Thank you for the info ... Good luck with your session!!!
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

Top
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