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#451214 - 10/24/13 08:21 PM Changing My Name
Quixote0028 Offline

Registered: 09/06/12
Posts: 15
Loc: Texas
Hey everyone,

I was abused by my father between 9 and 11. I'm 29 now, and I've been thinking a lot lately about changing my middle and last name, which are both his. I'd probably change it to a family name on my mother's side.

I'm not under the belief that this will solve all my problems, but I can't feel that I am still tied to him through his name. Though in the back of my mind I feel like a coward for wanting to change it. Like I'm running away.

My other fear is that I don't know what to say to my co-workers or my friends when they ask me why I changed my name.

Has anyone else ever thought about this?

#451225 - 10/24/13 09:23 PM Re: Changing My Name [Re: Quixote0028]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3815
Loc: somewhere in Africa
yep - if i could have done it without huge hassles - birth certificates of our kids, marriage certificate, passport, house mortgage/deed, credit cards, driver's license, diplomas, etc.... i'd have done it. my first name wasn't the same as an abuser - but had lots of shame connected with it because of verbal abuse for years. but my last name is the same - through adoption - of the first perp - step-dad. i'd have dropped both and used my middle name as a first name - and my original last name as the one i wanted. when i came here, i started using my middle name - and felt a little better - like a new start. for me it wouldn't have been to hard to explain - i've moved enough that i'd just time it to a move - and people think i'm quirky enough that they wouldn't have thought it too out of character.

There’s a special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ’tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be not now, yet it will come—the readiness is all. - Hamlet, Act 5, sc 2

#451247 - 10/25/13 06:10 AM Re: Changing My Name [Re: Quixote0028]
Jacob S Offline

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 619
Loc: where the shadows lie
You will know better than me, but it doesn't sound like "running away." It sounds like moving forward.

As far as when people ask, it depends how honest you want to be. You could tell people "my father was a jerk and I don't want to think about him every time someone calls my name." But that depends on your own temperament and also whether or not you have to interact with people who know your father.

If its something you feel motivated to do, I say go for it.

Edited by Jacob S (10/25/13 06:11 AM)

#451292 - 10/25/13 06:32 PM ! [Re: Quixote0028]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 10:17 PM)

#451293 - 10/25/13 06:59 PM Re: Changing My Name [Re: Quixote0028]
risingagain Offline

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Yup, changed my name, first and last. It was part of my healing process, a way to separate from the identity of my blood family.

I cried when I got my new name certificate in the mail. It was and is an emotional journey. It's been 3 years now with my new name.

Wishing you all the best.

#451296 - 10/25/13 07:36 PM Re: Changing My Name [Re: Quixote0028]
Lost Mountain Offline

Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 47
Loc: Atlanta
Never thought of this, something to think about.

#451298 - 10/25/13 07:56 PM Re: Changing My Name [Re: Quixote0028]
flightmedic38 Offline

Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 79
Loc: Kansas
Yeah it sucks to have that connection, My dad, My Nephew and my middle name are all the name of my abuser.... Just talked about that in T today... So probably pretty common topic... You do what makes you feel better everything else will fall into place...

Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

#451312 - 10/26/13 01:00 AM Re: Changing My Name [Re: Quixote0028]
Bluedogone Offline

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 658
Loc: Southern US
Hi Quixote,

I don't think it's cowardly or running away at all. If it helps to be away from a constant reminder of who you were and what that name represents then I think it sounds like a good idea. After all your name is going to always be with you, so along with a new beginning at 29 why not a new name?

This is in no way a similar situation to yours but may be something to consider.
About two years after I married, I adopted my wife's son and at that time he wanted to change his middle and last name,and I thought was just great that it was his idea. I couldn't believe the change that doing the name change created in his attitude and behavior, plus the improvement in our relationship was amazing. As far as I know his biological father never molested him so it's not quite the same as your case , but there were some issues from the past. In this case we moved, and he changed schools so the name change went very smoothly. But I'm sure after all these years he hasn't regretted the change, doesn't feel cowardly or feel as if he ran away from anything.

Whether you decide on the change or not, it's good to see you have decided, at a relatively young age, to put all this crap behind you and move on to the life you deserve. Take care.

Never, never, never, never give up...Winston Churchill

#452888 - 11/08/13 10:51 AM Re: Changing My Name [Re: Quixote0028]
jas4159 Offline

Registered: 06/16/11
Posts: 368
I struggled with this for a few years. in the end i decided against it. my reasons were simple. I felt it was another defense tactic that would add to the many others that i had. We are who we are and changing my name would not change that. So i decided against it. But i was very serious about it for a long time.

thanks rich



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