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#451185 - 10/24/13 04:04 PM So alone
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
So I have been posting a little to see if it would help me. What I have figured out is that I am alone!!!!! I am ashamed of what happen to me, because no one protected me not even god. Why didn't I tell???? I appreciate everyone here for sure!!! But it's not the same as having the people you love be there for you and well they aren't!!!! I think I am done with all of this......I want to put in a box and never open it again... This is a very self loathing post... I know each and everyone of you have your own demons to battle.. I just have no more fight left in me ......:-(
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#451186 - 10/24/13 04:08 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1474
Loc: kansas
Don't give up.

hold on to faith and your brothers here.

you can get through this. I know how much it hurts. I understand how alone you feel. Please don't give up, though. We need you as much as you need us.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#451187 - 10/24/13 04:17 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1474
Loc: kansas
Plus, I love ya like a brother and I never give up on my brothers. I'll fight for you if needed.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#451189 - 10/24/13 04:22 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Rich1967 Online   content
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 319
Loc: PA
I'll fight for you too and you can add me to the list of brothers that love you!
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#451193 - 10/24/13 05:03 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Thank you both this is why therapy is do hard it completely controls me... I hope to keep fighting.... I need hope so much hope :-(
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#451196 - 10/24/13 06:04 PM ! [Re: flightmedic38]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 10:19 PM)

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#451200 - 10/24/13 06:27 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2036
Loc: durham, north england
Personally flight I wouldn't look to hope or faith or anything else.

You have what you need to get through this, you prove that by being here and posting and grapling with these demons, (and as you said yourself those are very familiar demons to many of us, so we know just exactly what your achieving by even confronting them). That is not giving up, if you gave up you'd not be here plane and symple. After my own major flashback and trigger last weekend, a friend, (a lady with quite some experience in counselling), told me there is a school of thought which suggests that we humans are actually far better at protecting ourselves from traumer than we think we are, and it might be that the reason those "boxes" as you put it open is because part of us thinks we're ready to handle it.

I don't know whether this is true, but I do know that for me at least the one constant is simply persistance, the need to keep moving forward, not hope or self belief or faith or even the idea that things will get better, simply the stubborn refusal not! to stop.

It'd be easy for me to give up, to delete ms from my favourites, to isolate myself entirely from the world, to become an emotionless and cold interlectual snob with a hatred towards the entire world, or to descend into a creature of habbit looking for nothing but sensory pleasure and destraction.

Yet I don't do any of these things because I will not! stop trying, it would be simply not right.

So in those dark moments I come on here and I shout and scream, I occasionally cry or get angry or descend into apothy, but part of me knows that I will continue regardless.

I sort of think of it like swimming in a sewer pipe. It's dark, it's cold, it stinks, it's hollow and empty and filthy, and I have no idea how long I'll have to keep going, ---- but there is literally no alternative but to keep treading water and wait.

I don't know if this helps you, but I do wonder whether someone who's started therapy, who's made so many posts here, who's been able to achieve so much in life as you have done is really someone who gives up. I don't think so, ---- even if you can't perceive this yourself at the moment.

Luke.

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#451203 - 10/24/13 06:58 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Bluedogone Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 320
Loc: Southeast US
Hey flightmedic,

Your emotions and self image have dealt you a serious set back. Feeling all alone with no one around to love and support you while in such a fragile state really sucks. But the only way to deal with it is head on.

It's so much easier to put it all in a box, forget it, and take the easy way out. But isn't this basically what your perp did when he took his own life? Years ago he did you so much harm you certainly don't want to model anything in your life after him. Sure it's hard, one agonizing step after another, sometimes with two steps back. But it's worth it even though it's pretty hard to see any progress.

Whether you are, or were a flight medic, or whether you know someone who is, there was a reason you chose that name as your avatar. Consider the job of a flight medic. If as an EMT, they transport the seriously ill to a trauma center against overwhelming odds of survival. If they are in a battle zone they go back over and over to bring back the wounded, so many times with heartbreaking results. Yet they keep on. Even when things look so hopeless and it doesn't seem there's any use they keep on.
And you can do it, too. Take care.

CJ
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#451211 - 10/24/13 08:03 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Blue,
Its very hard to stay positive in this realm but I am trying.. I have meet some men here that have opened my eyes to so much more than I ever thought I would see. T sessions are really hard and I tend to have downward spiral for a couple off days. my T and I decided that I am going to do every other week. Its just too hard for me to take this beast on and survive doing every week. Thanks for reaching out I am trying to build my support team so I am not putting a burden on one brother....

Thanks
again
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#451221 - 10/24/13 09:09 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 769
Loc: upper south
Hi, flightmedic.

I don't think you need to worry about burdening another here. These guys have shoulders as broad as the plains of the Kansas... seriously. (And I see you are from Kansas! Step outside and look around!!)

It's good to have modified your therapy schedule if it proved to be too emotional on a weekly schedule. But do stay with the therapy. It's a must-do. As far as feeling like giving up because the pain seems insurmountable- DON'T. Don't put it in a box because it just won't stay there man. The effects come around continuously. We have learned to survive. Positively or negatively, we have learned to survive.

So if I may, continue to face it, take it on. One day you will see that things will be different. It has taken me 55 yrs of life, a full consistent year of weekly therapy, a hell of a lot of wanting to give up just as you do, but tonight I can say I am honestly beginning to see myself differently.

..."no one protected me not even god"... I said the EXACT SAME PHRASE on Tuesday while in therapy. And brother, I cried like a baby. You are not alone. We are here for you, whenever you need. Hang tough, take breaks, but don't stop. The good will begin to outweigh the negative.

And thanks for the honesty in your post.

b
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#451231 - 10/24/13 10:56 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
Hey FM,

So many of us have been in the exact same place, saying all the same things. This process of recovery is the hardest work a man can do in life. Facing all the horrors and pain is something no one wants to do, its what we have to do to get well and reclaim our lives. You are worth reclaiming!

Its okay to bitch and moan and cry through it. Theres no wrong way to do this. Its okay to take a break from it. To say this week I'm canceling my T appointment and am not going to think about it. Find a balance and pace that allows you to be both productive in recovery and stable in your life outside recovery.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

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#451237 - 10/25/13 12:45 AM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Jude
I wish there was a formula to doing this...between the night terrors, the scared to fall asleep, my t sessions something has to break... Just scared its me
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#451241 - 10/25/13 03:43 AM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1600
Loc: New England
No, I'm afraid there's no formula. No one size fits all program of recovery. For me its been intensive therapy including EDMR, a 12 step program, and MS.

It helps me to tell myself that the pain is a normal response to what I've been through. I need to feel it, and work through it. And most importantly that the pain won't destroy me, but continuing to try to bury it will.

Every day I grab my nuts and press on because I will not accept the rest of my life being controlled by what was done to me. I've already lost to much time to it.
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

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#451273 - 10/25/13 02:10 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Dave PNW Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 122
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hey Flight Medic. Hold steady and hang in there. This is hard stuff we are working thru. Hardest thing I have ever done and I have lived through a lot at 53. You are taking the right steps even though it might not feel that way, even when it is really deeply painful. Seeing a T and connecting to a comnunity of male survivors for support is crucial. Good work. Doing both of those things takes a huge amount of courage. A lot of guys never get to that point.

Feeling alone. I know how that feels too. We do have to work this out inside us and that often feels like we are doing a free solo ascent. But you know there are a bunch of us on similar routes here and we can tell each other how its going. There are also so many guys here so far ahead and it helps to know they were like me, like you once.

I know the feeling of wanting to just put the CSA away in its box and go back to the way I was two years ago. A year before I opened this up. But even if I wanted to, I know thats not possible. I have had the feeling from time to time where I have been afraid that the pain and depression are going to be my new "normal". But thankfully I have reached a plateau or maybe just a wide ledge on the route and I am able to rest, take stock of where I have been, figure out what is next.

This work we are doing is hard and exhausting. I have a lot of endurance, but I have known deep periods of exhaustion the last six months. I didnt know I could hurt this much. We all go through this differently, but we all experience things in common. Part of why this site is so helpful to me.

I think of my recovery work on a good day like its a long expedition in high and wild country. Its hard work. There will be pain and exhaustion. I will sometimes not know where I am at. I will be unsure of myself and sometimes feel afraid. I will wish sometimes I could just stop and go home, go back to the warm and familiar. I have to remind myself to rest, hydrate and eat well; spend time with those who love me; do some things just because they make me feel good, even if I dont think they will. Exercise is one for me ... long open water swims and hiking or paddling my kayak. These all produce feel good chemicals in my body and help me feel in control of something simple and good. It also helps me forget for a little while. FM do those things that you remember felt good. Dont expect transformation to occur overnight. We chip away at it.

Finally. Capturing the memory. I am sorry you are having nightmares. You said in an earlier post that you found it hard to talk to your T about the abuse. I understand. I couldnt put what happened to me into words for 40 years. But I know that writing it down for my eyes only was the first step. It took all those pieces and put them together. First it was the physical facts; then the words and dialogue; the setting and context; later the feelings.... It didnt come all at once. It came in scraps and pieces.
What i did was to try to capture it in my journal. My journal was the note section on my ipod. Locked behind two layers of passwords I felt safe enough to keep it hidden from the world. I could carry it everywhere and whenever I got a stream of memory I captured it. Sometimes afraid I might lose it. Eventually it became my story. My first couple of T appointments I kept my ipod on my lap, just in case I couldnt talk. It was there if I needed to remember.

Telling your story. First to yourself. Then a deeply trusted person. For me it was a friend here at MS, then the open story section (right for me at the time - got a lot of support) then my T, then my wife. We all do this differently. But the telling dissipates some of the power from the abuse. Telling gives us bits and pieces of control back. I remember writing after disclosing here and with my T that for the first time in 40 years I was feeling less afraid of my story. Our demons from our abuse live and draw strength from secrecy and fear. Telling our story robs the demons and feeds our spirit. You will find that place. Start where you feel safest and build from there. We will be here to support you. Your not alone.

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#451280 - 10/25/13 04:36 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Thank you for sharing. The alone part isn't the support from here it is the lack of male ( non sexual) physical contact. Ie hugs hand shakes those type of things.
I am trying to make male friends but it's hard ...

Flight
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#451289 - 10/25/13 06:14 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Dave PNW Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/03/13
Posts: 122
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Hey Flight Medic. I know that can be difficult to do with a full job, married and with kids. Oh yeah and while your trying to work through major emotional trauma from childhood. Something that helps me is my involvement in sport, in my case competitive swimming. I train with and compete with guys at these open water races and I am finding I get a lot of great support from them. It wasnt at all what i started this for, but it has been a nice surprise. I know guys who play softball and soccer and they get the same kind of charge. They dont talk about it directly, but its obvious. Might find something like that in Kansas. Even bowling has a great social dimension. It doesnt have to be a competitive setting. I know hiking and climbing and canoe clubs can do this as well as long as its physically engaging as well as having a social dimension.

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#451294 - 10/25/13 07:09 PM Re: So alone [Re: Dave PNW]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
Hi Flight ,

I don't that I have much to add, but I do know that you should have been protected, deserved safety and security, and they let you down. It's not because of who you are, it was others failed you.

Based on what I have experienced and heard from others is that healing consists of gradual progress and occasional setbacks, but you always gain some ground. I have seen men I greatly admire here, those who help a lot of others go through set backs, and when they do they reach out for help. And in my mind that only reinforces my belief in their strength. You have already gained ground, and when you stumble you will always find someone here who will help pull you up.

Keep climbing brother. We're right beside you.

Much love,
Matt
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#451297 - 10/25/13 07:49 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Matt and Dave,
I really appreciate both of you taking the time to reach out to me. I have been in a very dark place for awhile now. I do have some really great people here that have done more than I could ever thank them for. I am such a loner that it is very hard for me to be in large groups or orgainzed teams. I have three really great friends that I stay intouch with from highschool the only problem is that I am not that person anymore. I truly dont even know who I am. The things I do know I love my wife and want to be the man she deserves but I fail her all the time. I am a dad and that is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.

I do feel like I was failed as a child I have lots of self loathing on why I didnt tell and on the other hand how did they not know.... This haunts me on a daily basis and keeps me from trusting and getting close to anyone.....

again thank you for walking beside me..... I dont know what I would do without MS...

Flight
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#451522 - 10/28/13 07:02 AM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Bill61 Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 41
Loc: Illinois
Hey Flight,
I have seen therapists, to many to count psychiatrists to help me with my past. I suffered from deep depression, anxiety attacks and suicide attempts but never knew what was causing it. This year on my birthday February, I got a gift from my mother and sister to see a different therapist who helped dive into my subconscious and find out what was causing everything. She was able to discover that I stopped living in 1977 and was in limbo for 36 years. Through various sessions and hypnosis I was able to release what had locked me up. I too was abused: one physically - Jesuit priest who was my high school counselor and I received mental and emotional abuse from mother. Tomorrow I am meeting with my therapist to pull any of that mental/emotional abuse from my subconscious and see if there was any physical abuse as well.

Here is the people who helped me: drdarrenweissman.com. Darren is local for me but he can do skype sessions as well.

Bill61
_________________________
Small Stones
"Those who remove mountains begin by carrying away small stones"

"I am in charge of how I fell and I choose HAPPINESS" from The Law of Attraction.

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#451548 - 10/28/13 10:27 AM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Thank you for the info ... Good luck with your session!!!
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#451689 - 10/29/13 10:42 AM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
CafeMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/18/13
Posts: 151
Loc: Chicago
Medic, I felt the SAME EXACT WAY you did fairly recently. I hit rock bottom with dealing with this stuff. I felt alone, defeated and tired. I was tired of "trying to get better." Tired of thinking, tired of reflecting, tired of being tired. I thought the site could not help me anymore. I literally was a complete basket case. I thought that I reached a plateau--meaning I will not advance in my recovery. I won't necessarily go down, but felt I would not go up either.

I had a man here take the time to speak with me. To assure me, to lift me up and to show me some compassion with respect to my feelings. He helped me give me courage to march forward, to not give up, and to help me resolve my thoughts of failing at this.

Also several men from the chat heard about what I was going through and reached out to help me. They sent me messages of encouragement, offering me daily quotes and checking in with me daily to see how I was.

This is why I turned my life around (again). We will have these periods of extreme depression, frustration and pain. Just know that you will rise above it. Many men here and I are rooting for you and will offer you support as needed.

Remember we are here for you!

-Nick

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#451695 - 10/29/13 10:56 AM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 861
Loc: michigan
hey flight
I don't think I have had the privilege to chat with you yet but I want to echo what so many have said. I am here for you. dude therapy is hard! that is why they call it work I went through sooo many cycles of anger and depression and anxiety cutting all that. but it does get better all those corked up emotions that you have never been able to share and not to have those closest to you seem to not understand, man the fact is they don't. they really can't. it helps me to realize that and then I can be glad for them in a way that they don't know how it feels. still if they at least try to understand it helps me so much so I hope that for you. in the mean time I hope you will stay with us here where we do understand. the idea of shutting it back up can't work I think you know that by now the bottle is open and there is no stopper that will stop it up. but that is not all bad man my old coping skills never seemed to work very long and even less as the years went by so to get it out and let it heal is the best though maybe the most painful.
be well
Jeff
_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

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