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#451185 - 10/24/13 04:04 PM So alone
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
So I have been posting a little to see if it would help me. What I have figured out is that I am alone!!!!! I am ashamed of what happen to me, because no one protected me not even god. Why didn't I tell???? I appreciate everyone here for sure!!! But it's not the same as having the people you love be there for you and well they aren't!!!! I think I am done with all of this......I want to put in a box and never open it again... This is a very self loathing post... I know each and everyone of you have your own demons to battle.. I just have no more fight left in me ......:-(
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#451186 - 10/24/13 04:08 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1390
Loc: kansas
Don't give up.

hold on to faith and your brothers here.

you can get through this. I know how much it hurts. I understand how alone you feel. Please don't give up, though. We need you as much as you need us.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#451187 - 10/24/13 04:17 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1390
Loc: kansas
Plus, I love ya like a brother and I never give up on my brothers. I'll fight for you if needed.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#451189 - 10/24/13 04:22 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Rich1967 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/17/13
Posts: 289
Loc: PA
I'll fight for you too and you can add me to the list of brothers that love you!
_________________________
Rich

"Me too" - I don't think I will ever get tired of saying or hearing these two words.

My Story:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=441625#Post441625

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#451193 - 10/24/13 05:03 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Thank you both this is why therapy is do hard it completely controls me... I hope to keep fighting.... I need hope so much hope :-(
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#451196 - 10/24/13 06:04 PM ! [Re: flightmedic38]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 10:19 PM)

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#451200 - 10/24/13 06:27 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Personally flight I wouldn't look to hope or faith or anything else.

You have what you need to get through this, you prove that by being here and posting and grapling with these demons, (and as you said yourself those are very familiar demons to many of us, so we know just exactly what your achieving by even confronting them). That is not giving up, if you gave up you'd not be here plane and symple. After my own major flashback and trigger last weekend, a friend, (a lady with quite some experience in counselling), told me there is a school of thought which suggests that we humans are actually far better at protecting ourselves from traumer than we think we are, and it might be that the reason those "boxes" as you put it open is because part of us thinks we're ready to handle it.

I don't know whether this is true, but I do know that for me at least the one constant is simply persistance, the need to keep moving forward, not hope or self belief or faith or even the idea that things will get better, simply the stubborn refusal not! to stop.

It'd be easy for me to give up, to delete ms from my favourites, to isolate myself entirely from the world, to become an emotionless and cold interlectual snob with a hatred towards the entire world, or to descend into a creature of habbit looking for nothing but sensory pleasure and destraction.

Yet I don't do any of these things because I will not! stop trying, it would be simply not right.

So in those dark moments I come on here and I shout and scream, I occasionally cry or get angry or descend into apothy, but part of me knows that I will continue regardless.

I sort of think of it like swimming in a sewer pipe. It's dark, it's cold, it stinks, it's hollow and empty and filthy, and I have no idea how long I'll have to keep going, ---- but there is literally no alternative but to keep treading water and wait.

I don't know if this helps you, but I do wonder whether someone who's started therapy, who's made so many posts here, who's been able to achieve so much in life as you have done is really someone who gives up. I don't think so, ---- even if you can't perceive this yourself at the moment.

Luke.

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#451203 - 10/24/13 06:58 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
Bluedogone Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/03/13
Posts: 253
Loc: Southeast US
Hey flightmedic,

Your emotions and self image have dealt you a serious set back. Feeling all alone with no one around to love and support you while in such a fragile state really sucks. But the only way to deal with it is head on.

It's so much easier to put it all in a box, forget it, and take the easy way out. But isn't this basically what your perp did when he took his own life? Years ago he did you so much harm you certainly don't want to model anything in your life after him. Sure it's hard, one agonizing step after another, sometimes with two steps back. But it's worth it even though it's pretty hard to see any progress.

Whether you are, or were a flight medic, or whether you know someone who is, there was a reason you chose that name as your avatar. Consider the job of a flight medic. If as an EMT, they transport the seriously ill to a trauma center against overwhelming odds of survival. If they are in a battle zone they go back over and over to bring back the wounded, so many times with heartbreaking results. Yet they keep on. Even when things look so hopeless and it doesn't seem there's any use they keep on.
And you can do it, too. Take care.

CJ
_________________________
Never, never, never, never give up....Winston Churchill

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#451211 - 10/24/13 08:03 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Blue,
Its very hard to stay positive in this realm but I am trying.. I have meet some men here that have opened my eyes to so much more than I ever thought I would see. T sessions are really hard and I tend to have downward spiral for a couple off days. my T and I decided that I am going to do every other week. Its just too hard for me to take this beast on and survive doing every week. Thanks for reaching out I am trying to build my support team so I am not putting a burden on one brother....

Thanks
again
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#451221 - 10/24/13 09:09 PM Re: So alone [Re: flightmedic38]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Hi, flightmedic.

I don't think you need to worry about burdening another here. These guys have shoulders as broad as the plains of the Kansas... seriously. (And I see you are from Kansas! Step outside and look around!!)

It's good to have modified your therapy schedule if it proved to be too emotional on a weekly schedule. But do stay with the therapy. It's a must-do. As far as feeling like giving up because the pain seems insurmountable- DON'T. Don't put it in a box because it just won't stay there man. The effects come around continuously. We have learned to survive. Positively or negatively, we have learned to survive.

So if I may, continue to face it, take it on. One day you will see that things will be different. It has taken me 55 yrs of life, a full consistent year of weekly therapy, a hell of a lot of wanting to give up just as you do, but tonight I can say I am honestly beginning to see myself differently.

..."no one protected me not even god"... I said the EXACT SAME PHRASE on Tuesday while in therapy. And brother, I cried like a baby. You are not alone. We are here for you, whenever you need. Hang tough, take breaks, but don't stop. The good will begin to outweigh the negative.

And thanks for the honesty in your post.

b
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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