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#450889 - 10/21/13 09:59 PM distrusting the note from executive director
healingheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 27
I am skeptical that others can listen to a man talk about his hurts.


Edited by healingheart (10/30/13 04:00 PM)

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#450902 - 10/21/13 11:02 PM Re: distrusting the note from executive director [Re: healingheart]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1938
Loc: durham, north england
Healinghurt, these are good questions, because yes, positivity is hard, but equally burdening others with just how negative the truth is can feel worse, like carrying a card saying "I'm a wining imature scumbag who leaches off others emotions"

I've also been hear for five years, albeit with some absances and yet I still find myself returning, still find myself feeling what I felt. Indeed this weekened I just learnt as I explained Here just how fragile I am.

To me, one thing I'm starting to realize is that recovery is essentially living with incurable damage. I will likely always be genophobic, I probably won't ever have a romantic relationship, and yes, that dam well hurts, but it's what I'm stuck with.

For me what I'm realizing is that recovery is admitting that as gandalf said to frodo in the end of lotr "there are some wounds that cannot be wholly cured"

Recovery is for me realizing that I've essentially had a leg blown off.

There are however two responses to this. i can sit on my arse and say "oh poor me, this is so painful" and not do anything, or I can try and try and keep! trying to live with it.

This isn't hope or positivity or realization of growth, since it's possible nothing will ever change (as with my genophobia), it's just the knolidge that if I give up, if I stop trying, if I just isolate constantly or dismiss myself as so worthless I don't even try to achieve anything in any field, I will be betraying something fundamental about me, I'll be giving up.

So I curse and scream and cry and say how bloody awful I'm feeling when I need to, but I don't stop! This is persistance! it's not hope, it's not the belief that things will get better, it's just the knolidge that if I simply! devolve into negativity I have ceased being myself.

That is the other reason I come back to this site to try! and understand, to get those thoughts out, and to considder myself and how I can live my life. Even if that means confronting my over all worthlessness, since I might be worthless, ---- but I'm not giving up!
To quote a very over dramatic anime villain

"your tough, just like a cockroach!"

That's also why I keep trying in reality. it'd be so easy to just never see people, to live isolated on my own, ---- but I know that won't be good for me. That is why tomorrow evening despite being up all tonight and having over the weekend the worse trigger I've had in years, I'm still! goint to go and join a new dancing group i want to try to improve my on stage dancing. I will employ all those social skills, I will have people ignore me, I'll probably come back feeling more alone than when I started, and even if! I somehow make friends, well they'll just forget my existance like everyone does.

But I will not! stop trying, and if nothing else I can say that of myself. And occasionally, just occasionally! I will have a fleeting experience that tells me it was worth it, albeit I'll likely forget this later. A sight of sun, an enjoyment of something, my stage performance.

One question I want to ask healing hurt, is how much do you know about yourself after five years? Are you just as ignorant of your own abuse's effects upon you as you were when you started? Do you know different healthy ways to cope, either emotional tricks of understanding, (I know myself never to take my own assessment of myself seriously), or just simple things like the way I now am comfortable enough with knowing! I am genophobic to not force myself into bad situations for other people, for example always wearing a dressing gown and never changing in public, rather than forcing myself and enduring the overpspill.

I'm not you, I don't know the answer to this, equally i don't know if you have! actually tried to work out how to live with things or just endured, those are questions you need to answer, but since for me persistance and constantly trying however much I might fail are the only constants I can cling to, this is a question I had to ask myself.

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#450904 - 10/21/13 11:13 PM Re: distrusting the note from executive director [Re: healingheart]
Ocellaris Offline


Registered: 06/12/12
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
I feel like this pretty frequently. I'm essentially in a rut, and I look around and see that everyone's life is going forward and I'm stuck in time. My body gets older, but my emotions and feelings and fears, etc., are just as they were 20+ years ago when my abuse started. They have not abated very much. I have an inability to make new friends. My friends are the ones I had prior to my abuse. This makes relationships impossible. So I understand your feeling of isolation.

I also frequently feel like a fraud. On the surface I appear to have everything together, but I'm really walking an emotional tightrope most days, and hoping that a big gust of wind doesn't blow me over. My best days are my busy days. As long as I have something to occupy my time, I manage to keep the ghosts at bay.

I read something recently by Stephen King where he was discussing horror in his writing and how it relates to his own life, and said that memories are the real ghosts. "You take yourself with you, wherever you go." That line has stuck with me because it articulated very concisely my daily struggle. I'm not comfortable with myself. I don't like my own company. And that's a problem when I keep popping up wherever I go. But I have developed a few methods that usually improve my mood.

First, when I feel really down on myself I think about my nieces and nephews who think I'm the greatest uncle in the world -- a fact reinforced by my eldest niece sending me an actual postcard during her first solo overseas adventure. (Do people even send postcards anymore? And she must have taken my mailing address with her!) Little things that remind me that I do have a real impact on some people's lives.

And when that fails me, I look at how lucky I am simply to have been born into an enlightened, advanced society -- that I could just as easily have been born in a less prosperous, less fortunate place -- a war-torn country or an impoverished one. I think about how as bad as I feel I have personally suffered, I survived, but there are so many living unspeakable horrors in the here and now. A few moments of sober reflection will usually snap me out of most bad moods.

Ultimately, though, it comes back to taking yourself with you wherever you go -- and learning to be comfortable with that. Over the past 18 months I've told my sister and a couple of very close friends about my experiences. And even though we have never discussed it other than the times I've told them my story, just knowing that they know and that they accept me and love me exactly as they had before they knew my "terrible secret" has been a tremendous help in feeling less isolated and less of a fraud.

So, yes. I live with this every day. Some days are better than others. Some months are better than others. But first I try to remember that there are people whose lives I affect, and ultimately, I try to keep things in perspective and try to remind myself that as bad as I think I've got it -- I'm still a pretty lucky guy.

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#450905 - 10/21/13 11:18 PM Re: distrusting the note from executive director [Re: healingheart]
ThisMan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/13
Posts: 767
Loc: upper south
Hey, Healingheart.

I am going to sit on that limb with you for just a while. I will agree with you that if most of my friends were aware of the abuses, they would be mortified. They would look at me so differently. Would they support me? Someone will have to define what that support might be. I have shared with a few, only one fully understand. The others have been totally clueless.

Don't beat yourself up too much. I had a career. I had a family. I have actually had accomplishments, albeit not so grandiose as others, but still. And when all that crumpled and the kids grew and I was left with nothing but the past, here I am. I still have days of hurt and pain and remembrances. I still recall the fact that I am a rape victim. And I cry sometimes relentlessly. It hurts.

I still want to turn to drink to dull the utter sadness and shame I have. But I don't do that any more. And that is why the pain is so constant. I just let the feelings come. It is time to be real. Time to deal.

And its time for me to feel. And to grieve. And if someone would listen, I would talk about it. I told my oldest son in a conversation a week ago that the abuse was something I dealt with every day. EVERY DAY. Am I better. I'm not certain. A month ago I hit emotional bottom and wanted to give up. But I am still here.

I have no platitudes to share and no pity to offer man. I just wanted you to know that I also have a hard time. A really hard time accepting the reality of being the victim of sex crimes. It sucks. And as far as those days of being immobile... often.

I dont think you will be chastised nor have you offended anyone. Just rest assured that a good many of us do feel like this. Some days it isn't as oppressive, but it seems to always be there. Time for me to climb back down now, but thanks for speaking some of my thoughts for me.

bill.
_________________________
For now we see through a glass, darkly.



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#451032 - 10/22/13 11:21 PM Re: distrusting the note from executive director [Re: ThisMan]
healingheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 27
Thank you. I appreciate your understanding.

The only thing that hurts worse than being alone in my hurt is to try to open up and have someone else say (or imply) "get over it" or "your wallowing in it" or somehow imply that I choose to suffer. I fight and I struggle and Ive been sober for 17 years (from IV drug abuse no less) and Ive been in therapy for years (where I dont sit around and complain but try hard to change and be happy and stable). Ive read the books. Ive gone to meetings and seminars and weekends and lectures. And, still, I found myself here in this place feeling worse than ever. Maybe thats a necessary part of getting better, I dont know. I know no one who has tried harder than me. Perhaps Ive been trying all the wrong things but I've tried.

I dont know why but it means a lot to hear "yeah, I understand because I've been there too." You just sat out there on the limb next to me and didnt try to fix or change, only be there and understand. Thank you.

If there were easy fixes, we'd all be fixed by now anyway.

Thank you.

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#451033 - 10/22/13 11:25 PM Re: distrusting the note from executive director [Re: Ocellaris]
healingheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 27
Thanks. I appreciate your taking the time to write back.

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#451034 - 10/22/13 11:29 PM Re: distrusting the note from executive director [Re: dark empathy]
healingheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 27
Thank you for writing. You taught me a new word "genophobia."

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#451044 - 10/23/13 02:56 AM Re: distrusting the note from executive director [Re: healingheart]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 270
Truth is we never can act like this did not happen, society would have to take a long deep look at their narcissistic rage, and absorb the horrific ways it is getting by now a days. Denial is not just a river in egypt, inside you're always going to have that destructive toxic cluster, Like a maggot trying to eat at your sense of security in whatever.
But that is just a inner manifestation of the tragedy we underwent, remember that voice is not you, the darkness is necessary and light can only come from the dark, whatever aches inside is a doorway, cross it. Days are hard and fucked up at times, but there is no comparison to being fully alive. Being alive is PAIN. But also BEAUTY.
Place that voice where it belongs, in the face of abuse . Whatever you are going through is a process, it is hard, because most people also wear masks, and in a healing process honesty is always necessary, i would not expect much from others who have not gone through this, find within the resilience to overcome your limitations, and realize this will make you a better person, those who suffer the most often are the most beautiful people.
i hope love and grace find you wherever you are.


Edited by justplainme (10/23/13 02:58 AM)
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#451087 - 10/23/13 12:46 PM Re: distrusting the note from executive director [Re: healingheart]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
This morning at work I sent a message to most of the people I work with and let them know I have PTSD and Depression and that both are related to the neglect of my mother and the repeated abuse people inflicted on me. I sent this to the people I see everyday, people who rate my performance, people who sign off if I get a raise or a promotion, and people who help me complete my job. From Admin to the the President of the company I work for.

After sending the message I felt very vulnerable and did not want to look anyone in the eye, but that feeling was fleeting. I am done running away from problems that was inflicted on me. In sending the e-mail, I took power back. If there are people who judge me for the days that I come in late (due to either nightmares or insomnia), they can now judge me on the truth instead of whatever incorrect assumptions they came up with.

I thought for a long time that I was being strong, but now I realize that my own fear kept me from being myself. I also now realize that a lot of my interactions with others (especially when cornered or uncomfortable) are nothing more than a reflex that in childhood protected me. Now as a man, I have to shed that reflex because it is holding me back. We often do what is comfortable because its easier than change.

At the end of the day, I have learned that all the time I thought I was fooling others into believing I was ok, that I was only fooling myself. People can tell when something is wrong, and are likely to see you as the problem instead of a man with problems. I am grateful to those who showed me what real strength looks like, and I truly hope I can live up to their example.

Much Love,
Matt
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#451088 - 10/23/13 01:00 PM Re: distrusting the note from executive director [Re: healingheart]
thevision Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/25/13
Posts: 9
Loc: Columbus, Ohio
Matt, you are an amazing man. You're strength just blows me away.

When I started reading your post, I thought, "you did what now?" By the end, I totally got it and now I'm thinking, "how I can do the same thing... when I'm ready?"

Much Love,
Scott

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