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#450953 - 10/22/13 09:25 AM Loss is pain.
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6607
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Prayed and prayed and prayed for this in my life. I found it. I appreciated it every moment of every day...and I could not hold onto her.

_________________________
Hell needs firewood too ya know!

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#450956 - 10/22/13 09:28 AM Re: Loss is pain. [Re: Still]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1401
Loc: kansas
((((still))))

i know it's not the same, but i hope that a hug from a brother would help.
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#450984 - 10/22/13 12:46 PM Re: Loss is pain. [Re: Still]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Not sure of your pain, but best wishes and prayers to you.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#450987 - 10/22/13 01:35 PM Re: Loss is pain. [Re: Still]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 263
Loc: us
(((Hug))) I'm sorry for your heartbreak it is one of lifes most painful experiences.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#450990 - 10/22/13 02:17 PM Re: Loss is pain. [Re: Still]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 263
Loc: us
I went back and tried to find some of your old posts so that I could better understand your family situation. I wanted to be able to give you more feedback than just "that sucks man sorry."
I feel like I still don't know much about what happened but my feedback it based on the little bit I found in some older posts.

It sounds like for along time you weren't being yourself but instead the version of who you felt you needed to be to "Make it" in life. When your true self emerged everything seemed to crumble around you. Perhaps this is because the life you created was a life based on the guy you were pretending to be instead of your true self. It wasn't your life it was his. So many illusions tied together one by one crashing into the ocean.
I can only imagine how terrifying this was for you. How much pain must have come rushing forward all at once, and yet you are still here, still fighting.
I'm not going to tell that it's not your fault, I don't know what happened or who did what, said what, etc. I will tell you that it isn't fair though. That perhaps if as a small boy you were allowed to grow and not be hurt by abuse that perhaps you would not be suffering so much loss. But as we all know life has a way of beating the shit out of most of us in one form or another and most of the time we didn't do anything to deserve it.
We will all fail, we will all suffer loss and pain, many of us will make big mistakes that we wish we undo, but these are not the things that define us.
What defines us is if we choose to handle our mistakes, how we handle what life throws at us, and if we choose to let life's storms make us better instead of bitter.
Perhaps all that you have recently lost in your life you lost because you where changing and evolving. Perhaps it is making room for something better. Perhaps there is another woman you will someday meet who will be able to love the real you in a way you never thought possible. Maybe the things you can learn from this heartbreak are preparing you so that so will be ready. Maybe being alone right now, as painful as it is, will move you more towards being the man you want to be.
Please don't take my ideas as being callous. I don't mean to sound that way at all. When I got divorced it was really hard for me. I felt like a failure. I had to try to find the silver lining about what happened so that I could move forward with my life. Anger, Pain, and loss are a force that propel us in whatever direction we choose either forward or backward.
Don't give up. Keep healing, you are worth it.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#451000 - 10/22/13 04:57 PM Re: Loss is pain. [Re: Still]
Banjo596 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/20/13
Posts: 44
Loc: Ohio
Beautiful words HD001.
_________________________
Jeff

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#451037 - 10/23/13 12:20 AM Re: Loss is pain. [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6607
Loc: FEMA Region 1
You hit it right-on HD001. I was not being myself and had not been myself since I was 8-yo. I'm serious about that. Once I realized I had to cover-up, act, pretend and deceive to keep out of juvie-jail, from being beaten and the weird stuff the older boys were doing quiet, I ceased being real.

So I have no idea of who I was supposed to be. I catch glimmers of the little boy hear and there. I just finished a video about it.

I had really no choice but to emulate. I was also victim of the myths. I victimized me and the divorce court judge called my Healing Journal disgusting. I was encouraged by everyone to keep the journal, and then it was taken from me after the Sheriffs threw me out of my home.

My journal was published, admitted into the case and read by people I've never met. That was bad at face value, but the betrayal felt so painful, I truly wanted to push the button.

The broken boy should never have involved a normal (but I've said that too many times here). But for 18 years, I was the guy in that picture...and I Still miss her and I Still love her.
_________________________
Hell needs firewood too ya know!

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#451039 - 10/23/13 12:45 AM Re: Loss is pain. [Re: Still]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Originally Posted By: Still

The broken boy should never have involved a normal (but I've said that too many times here). But for 18 years, I was the guy in that picture...and I Still miss her and I Still love her.


I hate to argue but that couldn't be further from the truth, you brought 2 wonderful children into this world. You've raised them properly and they will help make this world better. Your childhood was undeniably horrible but you gave them a much better one which is all you can do. I hope that one day I have the opportunity to give a child what I never had.

It wasn't your fault, normals can't take what happened to us and they tend not to want to listen to our horrible tales.
_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#451071 - 10/23/13 09:19 AM Re: Loss is pain. [Re: Still]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1401
Loc: kansas
agree with oak...

for someone that was brought up in the hell that you were, not learning any of the proper skills to raise healthy children, you've done a great job! one that you should be proud of...
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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