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#450803 - 10/21/13 12:16 PM Need advice on what Im obsessing on today...Help
Ohio Offline


Registered: 06/16/12
Posts: 35
There might be some triggers in here IDK.So I'm setting here playing my guitar and I start to think about my past sexual abuse that happened. If you don't know the abuse happened when I was around 12 years old and the person who abused me was a really good friend that was a year older than me.
Im pretty sure the first time it happened it was at his house and we go to lay down to sleep and he had music going from the boombox on top of his dresser drawer.
So we go to lay down and im not sure if this is the way it happened ,but he either started touching me with his hand real gentle or started to pull my shorts and underwear down. I also engaged in what we was doing and had my turn with him. Well after that night I didn't think anything of it really. I just kept on going on with my life like nothing was wrong. It happened on a few more occasions like 3 or 4 something like that over a short period of time.
So whats going through my head is why didn't I stop it from happening??? Why did I engage in it also??? I know I'm not gay ,but I think my mom and dad thought I was for alittle while if not still now, because I remember talking to her about it one time and she said "well its alright kids experiment sometimes and that made my blood boil as if I wanted it to continue and never wanted to stop it.I could of easily said "Hold on man I'm not doing this with you" and walk out of the room and go sleep on the couch where his dad was so why did I not do that???
The main thing I was wondering was why didn't I stop it sooner??? Why did I engage in that activity with him also??? After the third or so time it happened I finally broke down like 3 or so years later and told my mom and dad and was in tears the whole time and told them I got raped. I think they sorta thought I wanted it to happen or I wanted it to continue. IDK it's just what she said to me that I already typed threw me for a loop. Last thing I want is to have my Mom thinking I was "experimenting".
Does anybody have any advice for me today cause I'm really beating myself up today wondering what people think of me and how people look at me even my family and wife.

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#450822 - 10/21/13 02:40 PM Re: Need advice on what Im obsessing on today...Help [Re: Ohio]
Ohio Offline


Registered: 06/16/12
Posts: 35
Can anyone help me out here. I'm about to go into another breakdown and I've had 2 or 3 before over a couple years period and they suck. My minds just getting stuck on that one thing I asked and now I think my wife don't love me and my mom disowns me
. This is really hard to go through.I hope to god I don't have another breakdown over this thing.

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#450833 - 10/21/13 03:25 PM Re: Need advice on what Im obsessing on today...Help [Re: Ohio]
Adam A Gedman Offline


Registered: 08/12/13
Posts: 187
Loc: Canada
Ohio,

I do not have the same experience as you, but I don't think that matters really. The issues we face are all common, more or less, and in varying degrees.
What I would offer is this....
It sounds as though you are blaming yourself, this cycle of blame, guilt and shame will do a number on you. As it has with me, and many of us here.
It was not your fault, you were only 12 yrs old and ill equipped to be able to deal with the situation that was thrust upon you.
Freezing, dissociating and the like are not uncommon, and you did not do anything wrong.
It does not matter that you did not protest, or leave or whatever. You were at a stage in your development at 12 yrs old where I don't think you can give consent.
Even if that is how it may seem to you.
I would offer one other thing, because it has helped me greatly.
I have and continue to study non-violent communication.
One of the things about NVC is to recognize that we are responsible for how we feel, and how we feel is entirely based on what we are thinking.
So if you think you are somehow responsible, you will feel the guilt, shame etc.
If however you choose to think differently,(you were just a kid, and you were not at fault) your emotions will follow.
I know it sounds simplistic, and I am sure I am not explaining it clearly enough, but it tends to be very true, at least for me.
I don't know if your family would disown you, or if this is just what you think, but please take it easy on yourself.
It sounds like you just need to feel believed and supported, by your family ideally, but believed, understood and supported in general, and you will get that here.
Others judgments of us are not reflective of ourselves, they do not define us, only we can do that.
_________________________
Presence is the key, for all we have is now.
All we ever have is right now.

Formerly Adam A Gedman (AKA - A damAGed man)

But you can call me Kevin

Toronto Mini WoR - May 2014

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#450839 - 10/21/13 03:42 PM Re: Need advice on what Im obsessing on today...Help [Re: Ohio]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Ohio,

The other boy victimized you. It was not your fault, it was not "normal," and you didn't "want it" in the true sense of the word. It was not "experimentation." Experimentation does not feel awful, does not reduce you to tears of shame. Rape does. In this case, peer rape.

Boys of that age are easily stimulated - and once stimulated they can be exploited. The idea that "the big head controls the little head" is a lie. If the big head controlled the little head, we'd be extinct.

He took advantage of your physiological responses. Some of these may have felt physically pleasurable to some extent, even as it felt wrong and scary and sick. Even victims of the most violent, terrifying, ambushing rapes can be coaxed into physical response and climax - regardless of gender. If the circumstances are "gentle" and couched in the sugary terms of "friendship" and "turns," it can be all but impossible for the target to resist. He "groomed" you with never-before-felt sexual attention and pleasure - and got you to do things you otherwise would not have done.

Why "go back"? You might have truly seen the perp as a friend - they're GOOD AT THAT - and wouldn't have wanted to disappoint him or seem uncool or immature or whatever other words he may have used to coax and control you. Maybe you felt that once it had already happened, you couldn't resist his will - this too is very common. Maybe you felt like you had changed and now this was what you were supposed to do.

Either way, the fact that at such a young age you knew it as rape and were devastated by it is the ONLY thing that matters. If you tell someone that someone of any age manipulated you into unwanted sex, there is only one right answer they should give you.

I am so sorry for the twisted exploitation and sexual assault you suffered, and the ignorant shaming that was piled atop the pain when as a teenager you had the admirable bravery to attempt to seek help. I'm sorry your parents failed you.

But it is not too late to face this pain, to put it within proper boundaries, regain a sense of self-respect and self-determination. It is not too late to begin to heal. We are here for you and I hope you have found a proper therapist who can help you as well.



Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#450845 - 10/21/13 05:10 PM Re: Need advice on what Im obsessing on today...Help [Re: Ohio]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 726
Loc: Southeast USA
Ohio,

You've already received some great advice. I can absolutely identify with what you must be thinking. Like Matt said, what happened to you was real. It was a legitimate violation of boundaries.

You should not berate yourself for what HE did. It was unwanted, and yes, boys of that age respond easily and quickly to those stimuli. The situation is one where abuses can quickly occur and escalate.

The parents...experimentation is common in my opinion, BUT experimentation is not necessarily abuse. It's abusive just as soon as the recipient of the attention is uncomfortable---particularly if the abuser enjoys a power differential OVER the victim. Keep in mind that the power can be overt and/or subtle.

I'm speaking of kids the same-age; adult-minor sexual relationships are ALWAYS abuse. So, it's a more complicated issue than your parents perceive. A quick black/white, yes/no, on/off, 0/1 answer is not possible. You've discovered this already...your parents will need to see beyond the easy answers and begin to see the shades of gray in what you experienced.

I also firmly believe that what happened us (with a male perp) has nothing to do with one's true sexuality. Current research supports this notion. I so wish, others didn't use CSA as a "gay test." It's nothing of the sort---some perps identify as gay---but most do not. Victims will likely indicate much the same...but perhaps only after a lot of unnecessary confusion because society wants to quickly label and catalog its members.

You're on the right track. It's not a scenic or smooth ride, so I hope you can address some specific strategies for addressing this with your parents. I'm proud you called it off with the perp and had the courage to tell your parents. You did all the right things, but didn't get the hoped response from them. I'm sorry for that. That is perhaps a bit of homework they need to do. I urge you to seek a therapist who can help you with this. This person can help pull you over the wall. Good luck--and let us know how you're doing (only if you want to share).

Will


Edited by Suwanee (10/21/13 07:08 PM)
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#450862 - 10/21/13 06:17 PM Re: Need advice on what Im obsessing on today...Help [Re: Ohio]
Ohio Offline


Registered: 06/16/12
Posts: 35
Suwanee thanks for the advice and thank you to everybody who helped me out today. I do have to say though suwanne you made me cry. I most having been ballling my eyes at the end is you said I addressed my parents with it and I did all the right things. I get really angry when this stuff pops up in my head and I wish I could cry more, but never can. I'm just haunted with this and it will be the rest of my life and my wife will probably divorce me who knows ,but the way its going it looks like that will happen. I wonder if letting them read our posts if she would get it then?? I might do that IDK. Thanks for the advice though to all thank you.

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#450871 - 10/21/13 07:21 PM Re: Need advice on what Im obsessing on today...Help [Re: Ohio]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 726
Loc: Southeast USA
Ohio,

I sincerely hope those tears are therapy, because I certainly don't want you to feel worse about yourself. Tears can be such a release...

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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