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#450621 - 10/19/13 09:57 AM I'll never be a kid again
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Ever get that feeling? I want it back so much, but no matter what happens it's not the case, I'm an adult now.

I have unfinished business, it feels as if I cannot do this as an adult and my only chance to resolve it was in childhood. But I can't go back to that, it's not possible, if it was I would.

Anyone else feel the same?

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#450623 - 10/19/13 10:25 AM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6573
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Totally! I never got to enjoy frivolous play. I was always 'serious' and 'on-guard' because I HAD to be. No choice. I HAD to be.

Then they use you like a warm oven roast for their own gratification.

And yes, we lost GOLD!!!
_________________________
You are using 118 of the 300 allowed characters.

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#450643 - 10/19/13 01:12 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
And who says an adult can't enjoy play on a purely inocent level? Heck, I'm just about to do a tabletop game where I'll pretend to be a battle armour wearing super hero!

This really hit me.

The other day I read the third book in a young adult scifi series that I read the first two at the gae of 7, but due mostly to the stupidities of the audiobooks recording service in the Uk, have never finished the series, ---- and heck the end is awsome!

I still play computer games, still make up stories to myself, (though these days I don't need the action figures anymore), I still listen to music.

To me, enjoying free imagination and expression and just taking things at face value is perfectly ok as an adult and something I do regularly.

Then again it wasn't a childhood I lost, ---- it was adolescence, so I suppose my case would be different, and I confess I have no more idea how to "be a teenager" or enjoy things like adult relations or even have propper s/xuality.

Heck, maybe that's why for me being a child is so easy.

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#450644 - 10/19/13 01:19 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1372
Loc: kansas
it's still possible as an adult to still play innocently like kids do...

Disney world does that for me... every time i'm there that pure innocence boy comes out of me to play.. i'm always grinning from ear to ear the whole time i'm there... not a care in the world.... just pure joy, innocence and fun....
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#450669 - 10/19/13 08:32 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 325
All the time, but though we can't be children, we can be childlike, Once a man! Twice a Child!
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#450685 - 10/19/13 10:35 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 334
Loc: Iowa, USA
Poor, I totally understand what you are saying. I feel like I wasn't given the chance to outgrow childhood on my terms. I didn't lose interest in childhood activities and replace them with more mature endeavors. I had childhood yanked from me without my consent thus forcing me do deal with adult issues. I wasn't allowed to explore my sexuality on my terms and discover what interested me and what didn't. Basically I had a specific form of sex, that is man to man sexual activity forced on me without ever having the chance to know if I wanted it or not. I never got to experience the joy of first love - my memory of first love is fear, pain and trauma. Every other sexual encounter I've had is tempered by that sense of fear and hurt.

The sense of loss is more than being just about sex.. I was no longer interested in the activities that formerly brought me joy and happiness. I quit the swim team, being an altar boy, piano lessons, art class and more. Those were the activities I was involved with at the time of the abuse. In my mind they reminded me of who I used to be and since that was no longer me, there was no reason to continue being involved with them.

I feel like I never got closure to the innocence of childhood. The games of youth never gave way to being a teenager and then an adult. My childhood ended with one swift chop at the hands of that first perp.

DavO

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#450686 - 10/19/13 10:40 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Read up on adult child therapy. It may not be exactly what you are looking for, but it often helps us that had trauma as children that stunted our emotional growth at that age. Stuck there needing to go back and grow up, if you will.

It has helped me greatly.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#450692 - 10/19/13 11:30 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1585
Loc: New England
No, we'll never be kids again. And all the years since are lost as well. If I could live my whole life over, and think of everything I could do differently....damn, but it doesn't work that way. We all need to spend some time mourning what was lost or taken from us. But eventually we have to pick up where we are and try to make the best life possible with whats been left to us. Remember, the begining of the book was written for us, but we get to write the ending.
_________________________
Can't be bothered with sorrow
And I can't be bothered with hate, no, no
I'm using up the time but feeling fine every day
That's why I'm telling you
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
Rare Earth

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#450713 - 10/20/13 12:56 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1428
Loc: California
I have felt this ache as well.

And I'm surprised to see that participating in Improv classes (improvisational acting) is allowing me to connect to that child again in the presence of others who are also connecting with their child. Adults re-learning how to play and be spontaneous.

Very healing.

D

Originally Posted By: Poorsoft
Ever get that feeling? I want it back so much, but no matter what happens it's not the case, I'm an adult now.

I have unfinished business, it feels as if I cannot do this as an adult and my only chance to resolve it was in childhood. But I can't go back to that, it's not possible, if it was I would.

Anyone else feel the same?
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#450741 - 10/21/13 06:24 AM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1235
Loc: New York
The only way I would want my childhood back is if it could be changed. But I really don't know what would happen the second time around so I have to live with the person I am. From that part of my childhood that I remember there really is nothing to go back to. There are the dreams that I had but they never came true.

There are a lot of cases that I would love to "redo" in my childhood. I made some very good friends in a business I should never have been in. But I don't think I want to go back there once I start thinking about it. I could have very well ended up dead instead of here. I have more friends here on MS than I ever did in my entire childhood and my adult life put together, so I'm grateful for that. It is a little late in life to see that but that's all I'm left with, more wishes that will never come true.

I guess I'll take what I have and just dream of what could have been. I should have turned right but I turned left and I was lost until I came here.

Thanks for the thread.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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