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#450621 - 10/19/13 09:57 AM I'll never be a kid again
Poorsoft Offline


Registered: 02/20/13
Posts: 163
Ever get that feeling? I want it back so much, but no matter what happens it's not the case, I'm an adult now.

I have unfinished business, it feels as if I cannot do this as an adult and my only chance to resolve it was in childhood. But I can't go back to that, it's not possible, if it was I would.

Anyone else feel the same?

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#450623 - 10/19/13 10:25 AM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Totally! I never got to enjoy frivolous play. I was always 'serious' and 'on-guard' because I HAD to be. No choice. I HAD to be.

Then they use you like a warm oven roast for their own gratification.

And yes, we lost GOLD!!!
_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#450643 - 10/19/13 01:12 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
And who says an adult can't enjoy play on a purely inocent level? Heck, I'm just about to do a tabletop game where I'll pretend to be a battle armour wearing super hero!

This really hit me.

The other day I read the third book in a young adult scifi series that I read the first two at the gae of 7, but due mostly to the stupidities of the audiobooks recording service in the Uk, have never finished the series, ---- and heck the end is awsome!

I still play computer games, still make up stories to myself, (though these days I don't need the action figures anymore), I still listen to music.

To me, enjoying free imagination and expression and just taking things at face value is perfectly ok as an adult and something I do regularly.

Then again it wasn't a childhood I lost, ---- it was adolescence, so I suppose my case would be different, and I confess I have no more idea how to "be a teenager" or enjoy things like adult relations or even have propper s/xuality.

Heck, maybe that's why for me being a child is so easy.

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#450644 - 10/19/13 01:19 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1314
Loc: kansas
it's still possible as an adult to still play innocently like kids do...

Disney world does that for me... every time i'm there that pure innocence boy comes out of me to play.. i'm always grinning from ear to ear the whole time i'm there... not a care in the world.... just pure joy, innocence and fun....
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#450669 - 10/19/13 08:32 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 280
All the time, but though we can't be children, we can be childlike, Once a man! Twice a Child!
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#450685 - 10/19/13 10:35 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
DavoSwim Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/06/13
Posts: 325
Loc: Iowa, USA
Poor, I totally understand what you are saying. I feel like I wasn't given the chance to outgrow childhood on my terms. I didn't lose interest in childhood activities and replace them with more mature endeavors. I had childhood yanked from me without my consent thus forcing me do deal with adult issues. I wasn't allowed to explore my sexuality on my terms and discover what interested me and what didn't. Basically I had a specific form of sex, that is man to man sexual activity forced on me without ever having the chance to know if I wanted it or not. I never got to experience the joy of first love - my memory of first love is fear, pain and trauma. Every other sexual encounter I've had is tempered by that sense of fear and hurt.

The sense of loss is more than being just about sex.. I was no longer interested in the activities that formerly brought me joy and happiness. I quit the swim team, being an altar boy, piano lessons, art class and more. Those were the activities I was involved with at the time of the abuse. In my mind they reminded me of who I used to be and since that was no longer me, there was no reason to continue being involved with them.

I feel like I never got closure to the innocence of childhood. The games of youth never gave way to being a teenager and then an adult. My childhood ended with one swift chop at the hands of that first perp.

DavO

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#450686 - 10/19/13 10:40 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
Read up on adult child therapy. It may not be exactly what you are looking for, but it often helps us that had trauma as children that stunted our emotional growth at that age. Stuck there needing to go back and grow up, if you will.

It has helped me greatly.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#450692 - 10/19/13 11:30 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1510
Loc: New England
No, we'll never be kids again. And all the years since are lost as well. If I could live my whole life over, and think of everything I could do differently....damn, but it doesn't work that way. We all need to spend some time mourning what was lost or taken from us. But eventually we have to pick up where we are and try to make the best life possible with whats been left to us. Remember, the begining of the book was written for us, but we get to write the ending.
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#450713 - 10/20/13 12:56 PM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
I have felt this ache as well.

And I'm surprised to see that participating in Improv classes (improvisational acting) is allowing me to connect to that child again in the presence of others who are also connecting with their child. Adults re-learning how to play and be spontaneous.

Very healing.

D

Originally Posted By: Poorsoft
Ever get that feeling? I want it back so much, but no matter what happens it's not the case, I'm an adult now.

I have unfinished business, it feels as if I cannot do this as an adult and my only chance to resolve it was in childhood. But I can't go back to that, it's not possible, if it was I would.

Anyone else feel the same?
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#450741 - 10/21/13 06:24 AM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1181
Loc: New York
The only way I would want my childhood back is if it could be changed. But I really don't know what would happen the second time around so I have to live with the person I am. From that part of my childhood that I remember there really is nothing to go back to. There are the dreams that I had but they never came true.

There are a lot of cases that I would love to "redo" in my childhood. I made some very good friends in a business I should never have been in. But I don't think I want to go back there once I start thinking about it. I could have very well ended up dead instead of here. I have more friends here on MS than I ever did in my entire childhood and my adult life put together, so I'm grateful for that. It is a little late in life to see that but that's all I'm left with, more wishes that will never come true.

I guess I'll take what I have and just dream of what could have been. I should have turned right but I turned left and I was lost until I came here.

Thanks for the thread.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
<3 XOXO
Jeff
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#450742 - 10/21/13 06:55 AM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 670
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
I feel that all possibilities are always open to me. I just have to grow into them. anything I may have lost is something I can always find again. it is all still in me and possible. i'm not talking about physically being a little person again, but I am talking about feeling able to retrieve the innocence and wonder of youth, but with the experienced elder inside me present to back me up. Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#450749 - 10/21/13 07:55 AM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
gettingstronger Offline


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 155
Loc: Virginia
Thanks all, great insights. Like another survivor said, I (and all of us to some extent) was too busy taking care of everyone else's problems as a child too have any time to deal with my own, let alone do something like have FUN. God forbid!

Carving time out of my life to just goof off with friends is practically impossible but something I'm working on. I'm tired of feeling like a short-hop 737 flying from airport to airport around the clock and only stopping to refuel once in a while.

We all got screwed out of our childhoods in one way or another. I lost mine several years before my perp came into my life... Time to reclaim it. At least the "having fun" part!
_________________________
Don't let "three steps forward and two steps back" bother you. Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#450756 - 10/21/13 08:18 AM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1624
Those years are gone. But we can have childlike feelings--being carefree, laughing, frivolous, and connecting with ourselves. When we connect we connect with all our parts--even the child within. We will not look like the child we were but we can feel the child within. This will only happen after we learn to accept the abuse, the past and all of ourselves.

I have not given up on feeling the child within, I have found him and now want him to be part of me. It is a journey that involves time, pain and reflection--none of this is easy but it seems to be the only way to take our lives back. When I hear the T and doctors tell me this, it sounds so simple but unfortunately it is not because the emotions and years of denial have to be dealt with.

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#450772 - 10/21/13 09:14 AM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
This is very interesting topic. Trough therapy me and my T came to this issue in some way.
Lately I was wondering about couple of my friends who have had some concrete dreams or goals that they would like to achieve like: having family, kids, buying home, making career and similar; I always dreamed about same things but to be honest I never have had concrete plans to achieve it.
I came to conclusion that I'm inside still very childish, I live in the moment, enjoying small things that I'm seeing in microcosms around me and there is no any kind of time scale on my horizon.
It is strange as couple of my good friends are completely opposite, they have had goals during high school, later during college as well as now. One friend is very successful, he achieved all but now he is empty and doesn't know what to do next. And other friend achieved only half oh her dreams which is making her very unhappy.
At other side there is me; I feel very happy inside and enjoying in current moment but on greater picture still feeling lonely and isolated.
I've read that abuse freeze person to time when it happened and I feel it in my own skin. I can much easier connect to kids and to become one in second while I have many difficulties to make step toward "grown" people when put in new situation.

So I'm trying to learn to act more like mature and grown man but it is hard and very unnatural for me. In any case we all lost a lot as our inner development would be much more integrated without traumatic experiences; like this it always looks for me as I'm collecting pieces of me and never completing search. Something is always missing.


Pero
_________________________
My story

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#450913 - 10/22/13 12:21 AM Re: I'll never be a kid again [Re: Poorsoft]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
Well reading don's and pero's posts are interesting.

while I do agree with don on possibility, one of the things I'm now realizing is no, some things don't change.

In a lot of ways, I think I went straight from child to adult with no intervening stages. I always had the ability to enjoy the moment like pero said, and I still do, but equally I find the sort of thoughtless, careless actions of children really difficult. I never tried anything dangerous just for the hell of it or got into a group doing a random activity, for me, childhood was always imagination and speculation and creativity, not interactions with others, heck, this is why I love reading kids books and watching films but really dislike actual children who just make me feel inadequate.

Regarding life plans, that's an interesting point. I always wanted to go to university and I always wanted to do a phd, but I never really knew why. Ultimately I discovered! why, but now that's done I really don't know what I want to do other than sing.

Likewise with relationships, the thought of a family just is bizarre, if I try to imagine myself having children and a house with a perminant wife it just doesn't work, ---- it's not me! I realized at 18 that I need a relationship, and that need has continued so much it hurts, but this is just a need for an experience, ---- the emotional and physical communicative intimacy of a partner. What happens next, sharing my life with someone I don't know, and likewise I have no idea how to achieve this, all the subtle little natural signals that go to getting people together are alien to me, just as "date" as a verb I can't understand at all.

This is I suspect because hat I lost wasn't a childhood, it was an adolescence, the point of awareness of others as more than just friends, and that! I am rapidly realizing is something which is! impossible and will likely always be, ---- and that hurts!

Then again I suppose I should be glad for what I do have. i can enjoy profound and difficult literature and poetry, ---- or a random kid's book. i can go to the theatre and equally be happy watching adaptations of shakespear or rohald dahl, (I saw a fantastic version of JAmes and the Giant peach earlier this year), heck, after my recent bad experience with a book since I wanted something which was absolutely! safe from anything! genophobic or bad reminders of my abuse, I'm reading how to trane your dragon! ---- because dragons are cool! (my flat has several).

Maybe it's a timing thing. If abuse wipes out time, maybe for some people what is so easy in terms of childhood experience is equally impossible as teenaged experience is for me, I don't know, though I will say it does seem from my external perspective that it'd be easier to recapture momentary childhood experience and spontinaity since you can! do that on your own and aren't reliant upon other people.

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