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#45069 - 06/25/03 07:59 PM Re: Telling kids
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Joe what I am trying to say is that I wish to god I had told both of them when Tanya ( my daughter) was 10 or 11 or12.

They are a hell of a lot more perceptive than we give them credit for and have an ability to love regardless of what happened to us.
I'm with Mikey. When I told my daughters they both said they wished they would have known years ago becuz it would have helped them understand a lot of things about me better.

But I didn't know...

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#45070 - 06/25/03 08:16 PM Re: Telling kids
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
Kids, should not be told. Information can be missed used. And thay have enough problems of there own, they don't need yours as well.


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#45071 - 06/25/03 11:02 PM Re: Telling kids
PeteT Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/03/03
Posts: 28
Loc: Michigan
Joe
I came out with my abuse two years ago. Prior to this my wife and I were always fighting. I told my children after I started my T and after I confronted my mother (that knew about my abuse and did nothing when I was small). My kids are older but they accepted it quite well. They said it help explain why I behaved like I did. It would have been to hard not to tell them because of all the crying and emotional garbage that I was going through. It helped them understand what my wife and Iwere going through and I am really glad I was able to be honest about it. I think they needed to know as much as I needed to tell because I had kept it buried deep inside of me for over 35 years.

_________________________
Pete

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#45072 - 06/25/03 11:27 PM Re: Telling kids
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
I still say, broach the subject and let him be your guide... volunteer ONLY what he asks questions to. That is the way kids think. They often only ask, what they WANT to know.


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#45073 - 06/26/03 02:14 AM Re: Telling kids
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Hey guys! About telling "the kids"...I've always had a fairly open relationship with my daughter and 2 sons. When they were in junior high school I shared with each of them alone regarding the fact that I was sexually abused from 5 yo to 13 yo. They were each permitted to ask questions if they had any (some did, some did not). I did that because I didn't want to keep "secrets" and I didn't want them to either. I did that because they were given permission to speak what they had suspected or were confused about (i.e. there were a bevy of books around my home and office. I felt phony allowing them to think it was because of my profession). I did that because they were able say "so that's why you did this or said that when...." .

But each parent knows their children. For me, I protected my children more by sharing than with- holding information.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#45074 - 06/26/03 05:19 AM Re: Telling kids
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Joe,

We've got two daughters. I promised myself that I would tell each daughter of my history when they reached Jr. HIgh--not the details--and it proved to be the right thing to do. Our younger daughter told me that she was pround of me for having suffered abuse and had not abused her. They are great young women and the younger one just had her first picture asppear in Opera News this month.
We have always talked about everything which has lead to some of the most stimulating conversation.

If I had a suggestion, it would be to talk to your boy; I'll bet he will love you all the more for it.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#45075 - 06/26/03 04:14 PM Re: Telling kids
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
They were each permitted to ask questions if they had any (some did, some did not). I did that because I didn't want to keep "secrets" and I didn't want them to either. I did that because they were given permission to speak what they had suspected or were confused about (i.e. there were a bevy of books around my home and office. I felt phony allowing them to think it was because of my profession). I did that because they were able say "so that's why you did this or said that when...."
Howard that was very much my own situation except my girls were older.

Quote:
Our younger daughter told me that she was pround of me for having suffered abuse and had not abused her.
David, that's what my daughters--and my wife--told me. It's great to know I've broken the cycle of SA in my family; it's even greater to know that they know it!

However, ultimately, as Howard says
Quote:
But each parent knows their children.
Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#45076 - 06/27/03 08:29 AM Re: Telling kids
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Well, I went ahead and told my son last night. I brought my copy of "Victims No Longer" to his room at bedtime. I told him that I knew he had seen books like that all around the house for several months, and I knew he isn't stupid.

I reminded him about the Cub Scout pamphlet in the front of his book from his Cub Scout days. I knew that I must have gone over with him their literature on "good touch" and "bad touch." (I actually don't remember going over it, but he did. I do remember watching the video "It Happened To Me" in my Cub Scout leader training, but that's another story for another time.)

I explained that I had not yet told my parents. I told him that the effects of something like that include making people think differently about relationships, friendships, etc. He impressed me quite a bit when he suggested the effects would include "a lot of stress." Empathic young man.

I did not give him any details, except when he asked how old I was and how old the perp was. He told me that he would come and speak to me or his Mom if something like that ever happened to him. I explained the importance of telling us is that we can help him get help, not that we can make him tell everyone while trying to get the perp.


Brian,

I read your reply about keeping my problems from him. That was my greatest fear in telling him. I am the oldest child in my family and I bore a lot of inappropriate responsibility in my youth. I did not want to burden him with something he does not deserve.

But when I continued to think along those lines, I decided that the risk of his knowing what happened to me, coupled with the opportunity to talk to me or my wife again at any time, scares me less than the risk of him suffering and not being aware that it is possible to get help, and that someone who loves him very much will certainly listen and understand. I posted elsewhere that the very notion of seeking help was too foreign to occur to me when I was raped. I could never forgive myself if I left him in such a position.


Everyone,

Thanks for all your helpful words. This was a very important decision for me. It felt good to read your concern for me and my son in your messages.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#45077 - 06/27/03 09:41 AM Re: Telling kids
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Joe: Way to go my brother. You have a truly remarkable son there just like I have a daughter. They are pretty damned smart.

Quote:
Thanks for all your helpful words. This was a very important decision for me. It felt good to read your concern for me and my son in your messages.

You know Joe I think it was more than a father son disucssion. It was more like a peer to peer conversation. You can be sure my brother that you have a strong young man there who will do you proud.

Your Canadian brother

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#45078 - 06/27/03 10:38 AM Re: Telling kids
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
WTG bro Joe!

This will doubtless be a big step forward in your recovery and a big step in your family & your relationship with your son. Not surprisingly he sounds like a very smart & sensitive young man.

Quote:
I posted elsewhere that the very notion of seeking help was too foreign to occur to me when I was raped. I could never forgive myself if I left him in such a position.
My feelings exactly, when I told my daughters. Furthermore they would have been very offended if I had not told them!

Joe this is an important part in breaking the abuse cycle and breaking the silence!

Thanks. My thots and prayers are with you, your son, and your family.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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