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#450576 - 10/18/13 04:54 PM Any on else not want their penis sometimes?
huon Offline


Registered: 09/17/13
Posts: 6
There are time when I don't even want it anymore and times that I would rather not derive any sexual satisfaction from it but from other means. I was threatened with getting it cut off by my abuser. Could this by why I feel like this at times? because this is what she told me and threatened me with? Anyone else with these feelings?

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#450580 - 10/18/13 06:42 PM Re: Any on else not want their penis sometimes? [Re: huon]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 761
Loc: michigan
hey man
I struggled there for a REALLY long time I cut it, stuck it with pins and burned it with scalding water I think my motivation was a bit different I felt like my body betrayed me I HATED my penis it was always embarrassing to me. I hated what it represented. I still have those feelings sometimes but it is much less now I don't know if that helps man
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#450604 - 10/19/13 01:53 AM Re: Any on else not want their penis sometimes? [Re: huon]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 587
*TRIGGERS*

My "mother"/abuser used to "joke" about this a lot. The whole package, in my case. Told her about a friend losing his virginity at 17. "Ugh, he should chain up the whole thing or cut them off!" Dad treats her badly. "Ugh, he doesn't deserve them, cut them off!" She is/was crazy. I don't think she ever threatened me directly, but the implication was clear - if I do something wrong, I should just "cut them off." I don't know the details to your abuse, but I do think that that is where your feelings stem from. My abuser secretly hated men - maybe this is what it's about, internalizing shame or rejection over one's masculinity. It was YEARS of CONSTANT hard work before I could really start accepting my body - admittedly sometimes through means that were destructive in the long run. I still have slips, but it's better. Those feelings can and do go away, slowly but excruciatingly. I take better care of my "package" now - my mother can go to hell.
_________________________
Husky

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#450628 - 10/19/13 11:38 AM Re: Any on else not want their penis sometimes? [Re: huon]
Cthulhu Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 138
Loc: Cascadia
I never really disliked my penis. But I have for years seriously looked into castration. I really hate that I have a sexuality and in some ways really hate that I am a man. I really think with a fairly non-invasive auto-surgery I could cure both those things.

If I didn't need my balls and the testosterone for work I would probably still strongly identifying with the idea of castration. For now the thoughts and research have lessened a lot. Having a partner who respects my boundaries and also finds it attractive that I am a man(ie doesn't want me to be hairless or otherwise look like a boy) is helping a lot, I think.

Now that I think of it, I really like(d) the idea of removing sexual elements from my body for two reasons. It would remove the ability of another to control my body, and it would (hopefully) remove sexual desire and leave me free of them. I think it is actually that I erroneously feel it will remove my PTSD symptoms and my more negative memories which are both highly tied to sexuality.
_________________________
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”
-Charles Bukowski

some context

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#450703 - 10/20/13 02:11 AM Re: Any on else not want their penis sometimes? [Re: huon]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 407
Loc: west coast
I tried to squash mine. I would get an erection as an 8 year old and bend it to stop it. To this day it has a crook. It did not take any of my penis' or libidos intention away. I could not squash it, pray it, drink kit, ignore it, fuck it , wish it away or simply outlast it.

Now it's a matter of not reacting to each negative self talk and going for the bigger picture. Yes there is no question certain "acts" may be similar to what happened, but the context is so different now it is not the same thing at all. I kind of think of it like food poisoning. I can enjoy Peking duck though once it made me deathly ill. Sex is nourishing to our being and is a part of our basic needs. Why let something so horrible ruin something so wonderful? I am not trying to be glib, just real.


Huron what other sexual means are you referring to if it's ok to ask?




Edited by 1lifenow (10/20/13 11:39 PM)
Edit Reason: Spell badder
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#450817 - 10/21/13 02:27 PM Re: Any on else not want their penis sometimes? [Re: 1lifenow]
huon Offline


Registered: 09/17/13
Posts: 6
Originally Posted By: 1lifenow


Huron what other sexual means are you referring to if it's ok to ask?




Just trying to obtain sexual satisfaction through other means like through the nipples, prostate, etc anything but the penis.

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#451229 - 10/24/13 09:48 PM Re: Any on else not want their penis sometimes? [Re: huon]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 407
Loc: west coast
thanks Huon, i am such an idiot sometimes, the obvious escapes me,


sexuality is deep in your nervous system
it is the marriage of the excitation phase - the sympathetic system( fight or flight at just the right level)
- the parasympathetic system ( rest and digest at just the right level for sphincters to relax and for orgasm to occur)

so perhaps if we think of how we feel over whats being stimulated, it makes it easier to accept the wonderful pleasure of sex and focus less on things that may be triggers.

anatomy limits what you can do sexually, so there is no question certain things stimulated or various acts or activities can mimic what happened at a time we were not ready for it. To allow that to overrule the joy of sex for the rest of our lives would be to continue the negative effects of the CSA and that just sucks.

I know there are smells and tastes and feelings that mirror what i went through, but now with a different perspective I can relax and try to be in the moment and enjoy how i feel here and now. I know that sometimes the imprinting made me feel shameful for enjoying part of what was a shameful time, but now i can see it for what it is. Part of my palette, and that makes it sweet.

cheers
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#451310 - 10/26/13 12:10 AM Re: Any on else not want their penis sometimes? [Re: huon]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1536
Loc: New England
Quite the contrary, I have loved my penis TOO MUCH! Overuse has worn it out. Its a sad, shriveled up shadow of its formerly robust self.

The good news is that for the first time in my life I'm learning to love without its interference. In the past, love was just the price I paid for getting my rocks off. For so long I believed there was nothing lovable about me. Loving and being loved unselfishly, unconditionally, and freely is a new experience for me, and I like it.
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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