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#450520 - 10/18/13 03:11 AM Pre-WOR nightmare
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
I had spinal surgery back in January. I knew they would knock me out, cut my neck open, move the muscles, extract a disc and part of a vertebrae, use a bone hammer to install a cadaver bone, fix a titanium plate with four screws to my spine and sew me up. I had to sign my name to a form that said the surgery had a (small) risk of death, paralysis, swallowing problems, and possible (though short term) loss of speech.

WOR starts today, and I think I have been more nervous about it than I was before my surgery . Last night, I had a nightmare where I showed up only to find out my perp was there. He was exactly how he was 25 years ago. And while I know that it is impossible, I did think about calling Dr. Fradkin to confirm my perp was not on the participant list.

Despite the fear and anxiety I remain hopeful for this weekend and look forward to meeting other survivors in person for the first time. Fragile, but hopeful.

Matt
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

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#450532 - 10/18/13 06:10 AM Re: Pre-WOR nightmare [Re: mattheal]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3198
Loc: back in the USA
Matt -

you will be among friends.
you will be safe (maybe not relaxed or comfortable - but safe.)
i get it.

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#450633 - 10/19/13 12:04 PM Re: Pre-WOR nightmare [Re: mattheal]
Rambler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/06
Posts: 132
Loc: Planet Earth
If you ever feel really uncomfortable or panicked, don't hesitate to ask to speak to one of the counselors alone.

You'll be just fine, my friend.

smile

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#450639 - 10/19/13 12:42 PM Re: Pre-WOR nightmare [Re: mattheal]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Matt
What courage you have just signing up for WOR I am so impressed!!! I hope to get to that point some day...

Flight
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450688 - 10/19/13 11:03 PM Re: Pre-WOR nightmare [Re: mattheal]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 621
Loc: Southeast USA
Matt,

The dreaded nightmare.

The CSA is like a cornered animal. It lashes out as you close in. I've been there man, I know...

You're doing all the right things. YOU wield the power. You have the tools needed to keep it at bay. Keep up the good work.
May the weekend prove to be helpful.

Will
_________________________
You take a walk and you try to understand
Nothing can hurt you
Unless you want it to... R.E.M./Pylon "Crazy"


My Story: Cruel Summer

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#450725 - 10/20/13 07:45 PM Re: Pre-WOR nightmare [Re: mattheal]
Banjo596 Offline


Registered: 08/20/13
Posts: 36
Loc: Ohio
Matt,
So glad you attended and I got the chance to meet and get to know you and the opportunity to be in a small group with you.
I was anxious as well and a bit slow to relax but what a great weekend. My soul feels
a sense of relief not felt in a LONG time.
Just another example of some of ours fears being proved wrong?

Jeff
_________________________
Jeff

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#450726 - 10/20/13 08:43 PM Re: Pre-WOR nightmare [Re: mattheal]
Bill61 Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 41
Loc: Illinois
I'm sorry that you had this nightmare. The perp who abused me back in 1977, died in July of this year. He abused 6 kids (3 from my high school, 2 from a a school in Indianapolis, and 1 in the Ohio area. Then he was moved to Oakland, CA, and later to Detroit. There have only been these 6 people who came forward while a boatload was afraid to say anything.

Bill61
_________________________
Small Stones
"Those who remove mountains begin by carrying away small stones"

"I am in charge of how I fell and I choose HAPPINESS" from The Law of Attraction.

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#450727 - 10/20/13 08:46 PM Re: Pre-WOR nightmare [Re: mattheal]
Bill61 Offline


Registered: 09/29/13
Posts: 41
Loc: Illinois
Matt,
One other thing I wanted to say was that I hope everything works out with your wife.

Remember, just take moment-by-moment, hour-by-hour as well as living in the present.

Bill61
_________________________
Small Stones
"Those who remove mountains begin by carrying away small stones"

"I am in charge of how I fell and I choose HAPPINESS" from The Law of Attraction.

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#450980 - 10/22/13 12:28 PM Re: Pre-WOR nightmare [Re: mattheal]
mattheal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 142
Loc: Ohio
As a kid, did you ever play the game where you try and keep a balloon in the air and stop it from hitting the ground?

I am that balloon right now, and while I feel like I have spent most of my time on the floor, this weekend I felt like 30 other people kept me up, and that I am going to stay that way for a while.

I also know that I may hit the ground again, and that it will be ok. I feel I have enough people who can knock me back up.

I was shaking when I signed in at WOR and was scared beyond belief. I left so much lighter, so much stronger, and with connections I cherish. For the first time in my life I feel as tall as I really am.

Matt
_________________________
It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward
With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand
And you'll breathe easier just knowing
that the worst is all behind you
And the waves that tossed the raft all night
have set you on dry land
- The Mountain Goats - "Never Quite Free"

Top
#450986 - 10/22/13 01:24 PM Re: Pre-WOR nightmare [Re: mattheal]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 643
Loc: michigan
good for you man dont forget ...you have us too! smile
soooo glad it was a good experience
jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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