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#450330 - 10/16/13 08:49 AM I need opinions
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 770
Loc: michigan
hey guys T gave me something to do for this week he told me to I should let my wife ask a question... any thing she wanted and I should answer.:( honestly. So the question she asked was " why cant you trust me with it" It being everything that I don't talk much about. I do want to tell her something but I had no idea what to say really. I wrote this this morning.

It is an amazing thing, as many things are that I can remember the things that you do but for me it feels so different. You ask me “why can’t I trust you with it?” Why…? Why would I not let you lift the piano? Why would I not let you put your hand in a flame? To me the question is senseless. Would I trust you to handle a rattlesnake? Would I trust you to drink poison? HELL NO! This to me is not about trust, though I know there is a part that hides it for shames’ sake. After all, the person you have known for 27 years doesn’t exist. He is an amalgam of hopes and desires desperately longing for things to be different, hoping to find a genuine self somewhere beneath this shit pile you can’t know this me, whoever he is because I don’t know him myself… never have.
Is it possible after all this time that you don’t know? My JOB is to love you; my job is to provide, to keep you safe. I could no more hurt you than I could lasso the moon and yet you want me to somehow share? To allow this slow death that has caused me nothing but pain to become a part of you … I admit I cannot. If it should destroy us, if I caused your wound, then how could I continue? I have told you many times that you saved my life you have NO idea how true that is. Before I met you I had NOTHING… I was nothing, nothing but the prospect of loneliness and grief wanting desperately for life to be finished. YOU taught me how to live, how to at least manage and yes I have constructed a lot to BE what I thought I was supposed to be I don’t even know what the reality is honestly. You have been Life, joy, and relationship, how can I risk that?
I don’t know if this is the answer, but I think… it is the best I can offer
so what do you all think? any thing I should add? I am really scared to give it to her any help would be appreciated.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#450331 - 10/16/13 09:28 AM Re: I need opinions [Re: newground]
Jay1946 Offline


Registered: 08/08/13
Posts: 93
Loc: Miami, Florida, USA
Look at it from your wife's point of view. Would you want to be married to someone for 27 years that you thought you knew, but in fact, you don't know? Someone that has a secret side that is hidden from you?

There is another option, and that is that you gradually open up your secret corners to your wife and allow her to know you as you are. It won't be easy. It won't be smooth, but you will rise to a higher level of intimacy and acceptance.
_________________________
Jay

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#450333 - 10/16/13 09:58 AM Re: I need opinions [Re: newground]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 357
Loc: NY
Newground:

Your letter speaks to fears that sound familiar.

Having shared letters that I wasn't sure would work, I will say that sometimes we want the other person to pore over every word. In the end, it is not each word but the whole thing that communicates.

Your words describe how you do and do not experience trust. You know something is hiding the trust she is speaking of, which kind of makes we wonder, is it the piano, the fire, the rattlesnake or all three?

The fear of hurting others is something I'm just beginning to look at in a renewed way. Your letter makes me think about how the hurt remains so alive in us and why when someone says, "share!", you feel like they are not in touch with reality!

Hope you can find a way to let whatever response she gives be understood as hope, and not more pain for everyone.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#450338 - 10/16/13 11:08 AM Re: I need opinions [Re: newground]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Newground, what is it that you're afraid to share? Is it that you were a victim of csa?

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#450339 - 10/16/13 11:11 AM Re: I need opinions [Re: newground]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
As I'm sure you can imagine (me being on this forum and all), I was a victim of CSA. I actually started to write "am" a victim, as I did above, but I'm trying to be more deliberate with my language. I... this may sound cheesy, and it is... but I am a survivor of CSA. As I see it, there's a BIG difference. Anyway, I'll rephrase the question above: About the stuff you don't want to share... does it have to do with CSA? Are you dealing with CSA with your therapist?

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#450340 - 10/16/13 11:23 AM Re: I need opinions [Re: newground]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 770
Loc: michigan
thanks for the input guys and yea Robert it is about csa and what that meant and means in my life.I really feel like the things I HAVE shared hurt her. one thing when we met she was a virgin and I told her I was too and in a sense I was but not totally honest she knows that now she never knew before we got married about ANYTHING and only found out what she knows now really just this year I guess that is why T gave the assignment. I don't know I think that telling her is just mean I HATE that part of me and I feel like I was two different people right from the start. still appreciate any input guys this is REALLY scary for me I think maybe a half truth might be easier.
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#450343 - 10/16/13 11:49 AM Re: I need opinions [Re: newground]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
What is it when you say you're two different people? Did you act like a virgin with her... like you were inexperienced? But there was another part of you that was more sexually experienced or even wanted to get crazy sexually and throw down? But you couldn't reconcile the parts of yourself?

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#450349 - 10/16/13 12:24 PM Re: I need opinions [Re: newground]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 357
Loc: NY
Hey, Newground.

Your thoughts about being two different people make sense to me.

As my kid's Mom and I were getting ready to have children, I gradually became different on the inside. As much as I wanted to be an active and healthy father and husband, instead I grew distant, sad and unavailable. I didn't know it at the time, but having kids was going to mean having to face a lot of things I still didn't understand.

Now I realize I would have had no way to understand. All of the things that happened as a child were all under the radar. It takes a lot of effort to take them out and work them out, but it is happening.

It may be frightening for another person to realize you have been living a double life, but it is not necessarily the end of everything when they come to know it. i think its harder on us who are given permission to feel a little more of what happened in a safer light.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#450350 - 10/16/13 12:58 PM Re: I need opinions [Re: newground]
On The Fringe Offline


Registered: 09/21/13
Posts: 326
Loc: Southeast USA
My simple thoughts on this.

Lots of words to say you are scared. Too much intellectualizing.

Sounds like you think she sees you as strong. You feel like discussing CSA makes you less of a man. I relate. No man wants to share he was giving oral to a 15 year old when he was 8. I am not sharing evil details with my wife.

You may be viewing the ordeal from a child level mentality. I have been working on this adult child therapy and it is extremely helpful. I held the childlike feelings of guilt for 40 years. I felt that guilt. Very strange mental phenomenon.

For me, and only me, my insecurities have often blocked the path of love those in my life desperately wanted to heal me with.
_________________________
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

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#450353 - 10/16/13 01:38 PM Re: I need opinions [Re: newground]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3452
Loc: somewhere in Africa
newground -

only you can decide - it is a two-edged sword. she is also wondering if she can trust you - a fair question after the long-kept secrets. we went through that too.

my T told me something that was very helpful. he said - what she really wants and needs to know is that you love her and and will not leave her and that no matter how you change during your recovery - that fact will not change. regardless of how many or few details you give about events - that is the bottom line.

i ran with that - and it seemed to work - at least at the beginning. as i tested her committment to me - and she proved herself trustworthy - i began to want to share more - not the nasty graphic details - more like broad outlines and my reactions and feelings about the memories. she has appreciated that and it has brought us closer. still haven't told everything. i don't know if i ever will - because it obviously distresses and disturbs her. you are right about that.

my suggestion is - even if you decide to tell - don't tell all at once. it is likely to be too much.

and keep reminding her - i love you, need you, am not going anywhere, and with your help will only change for the better.

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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