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#450336 - 10/16/13 10:59 AM guys who don't get it
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 312
Loc: NY


Guys who donít get it

You you
You fuckiní pricks
You like to smile and say how sweet

Iím not sweet you are
You mother fuckin pussy
How come your mother licked you like a kitten and not me
Because you were a girl
A stupid little cunt of a girl
And if I was to have you again I would
Cause you are nothing
Nothing I am something
No bully knows how to have sex with you
No bully no bullies are not about sex
Thatís something different
I donít torture
I soothe your confusion.
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#450378 - 10/16/13 06:02 PM Re: guys who don't get it [Re: focusedbody]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 312
Loc: NY

Sorry guys about coming on so strong with this one. Reading it I see what I was trying to say but also the depth of intense and perhaps inscrutable feelings.

What Iím trying to describe here is a picture of my brother and me in particular. While dealing with my motherís lack of sexual awareness, I also became the object of my brotherís pain. In the midst of that, Iím trying to be a man? I donít think so. Not until much later in life.

So looking back and reliving this situation now, there is a rage and trying to confront it as the boy I was. Blind rage. Not much else. And what would blind rage elicit from another man, as in my brother? More of the same and also a kind of cruel, unpredictable emotional bullying.

So there is the bind I grew up in. It is a pain that feeds me in the wrong ways. Thatís why I needed to say it.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#450380 - 10/16/13 06:13 PM Re: guys who don't get it [Re: focusedbody]
concerned_husky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/12
Posts: 583
FB - I was going to PM you because I was wondering who this was addressed to. Thanks for elaborating. I can really sense the rage coming through in this one. I know when expressions of anger are curtailed by repeated responses of emotional abuse in the past, it builds and builds into a burning hatred and rage that sometimes scare us when we let them into consciousness. It can start eating at you inside in the most subtle of ways. I'm glad you've gotten it out.
_________________________
Husky

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#450392 - 10/16/13 07:51 PM Re: guys who don't get it [Re: focusedbody]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 411
Loc: Canada
Hi fb ...

I'm glad you explained more about your story.
I read it right after you posted and frankly ...
I was very disturbed by it.

I wanted to respond but because we don't know each other
I couldn't figure out how to approach you.
I've been thinking about you ever since.

The rage conveyed was visceral and you were clearly in great pain,
but I just couldn't 'read' it.
I didn't know where you were coming from ...
although I did know where you were trying to go.

I knew the 'you you' wasn't 'me me' ... or anyone here,
and so I was thrown off from the very beginning.
It makes perfect sense to me now.

It wasn't a very good poem ... lol
but it was an excellent expression of your feelings ...
which is what this is all about in the first place.
Well done.

I hope that by venting some of the bitterness
you have gained some peace.

Be kind to yourself.

Shawn
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#450417 - 10/16/13 10:39 PM Re: guys who don't get it [Re: focusedbody]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 312
Loc: NY
Husky and Shawn.

Your responses help clarify the whole experience, bring it into focus and make it more real...which it is.

I can see now how my brother and I each had our cross to bear. Along with that, we couldn't calm ourselves, handle our rage, or even vent very well. That would have upset the whole enchilada.

I'm hoping that writing this poem will help me put in perspective my brother's rage and bullying and how it "curtailed" my own. Man, we were just rendered so impotent by this whole part of our upbringing. It's very painful, but the pain is somehow strangely affirming that we have both suffered.

It was good to get this out there, especially since I am trying to be of support to my brother right now. Thanks for being there.

FB
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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#450441 - 10/17/13 06:19 AM Re: guys who don't get it [Re: focusedbody]
Jacob S Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 586
very powerful stuff. Reminds me that sooner or later I'm going to have to deal with my feelings toward my brother. There it is, sitting up on a dusty shelf, and I refuse to take hold of it or even acknowledge it. Wonder how long it can sit there before it grows legs and starts chasing me.
_________________________
Like a spent gladiator
crawling in the colosseum dust
who can count on his remaining limbs
all the people he can trust.
Like the one who stands behind him
cheering him on
Estatic when he stands defiant,
wild with abandon when he's gone

just stay alive.
do whatever you need to.
you are worth it.

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#450473 - 10/17/13 02:31 PM Re: guys who don't get it [Re: focusedbody]
focusedbody Offline


Registered: 02/03/13
Posts: 312
Loc: NY
Jacob S:

Thanks for chiming in. It helps me feel a little less alone.

Yes, the feelings are powerful, for him and for me. But the territory was so familiar that once I decided to look at it, it wasn't all that hard to recognize.

Going through all of the feelings is another matter. Best to do with help, giving yourself the needed space and gentleness, as Shawn reminded me. I think when we are good to ourselves, things make a little more sense.

FB


Edited by focusedbody (10/17/13 02:48 PM)
_________________________
Lose the drama; life is a poem.

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