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#45032 - 08/07/02 08:53 PM Dont believe myself anymore
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I feel like im making things up. My mother told me that the thing i thought was herion was fish food, and she was using the straw to feed it through the top of the fish bowl, because it had a cap. She says she remembers things differently. I dont understand how she could quit herion but not quit drinking. Maybe she wasnt really addicted, maybe she just did it as part of her co-dependancy. I am wondering if any of the things i said are real, i dont know if im just making things up about enemas and things because i heard about them from other places. Or maybe it want her, it was someone else. I dont trust myself anymore, i dont know what is real. I have always been wierd and flakey, maybe i am a little disturbed. I know things she did were inappropriate, but i dont know where my pain stops and memory begins. I dont know why i would make things up, maybe i am lonely and just want to be accepted. Maybe i am just so hurt by all the emotional things that she did i cant tell them from something else.

Im so sick of being me. If i could just try, i could do so many things, but i always give up. I dont have any faith in myself. What the hell is wrong with me? All my dreams feel so far away. I once wrote almost 20,000 words in 3 days, nearly a fifth of a novel, for a book i wanted to write. I wrote for two more days, and typed less than 5000, then stopped and never finished it. My whole life is like that.

I should go to class tonight, but i dont know if i can. I am so tired, of everything, i just dont know anymore. There has got to be a way out of this life.


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#45033 - 08/07/02 09:03 PM Re: Dont believe myself anymore
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Kevin,

There is a way out, one day at a time, just keep talking, let things continue to unfold for you.

As for your memories, dont throw them out like yesterdays paper, think of them as parts of a jigsaw puzzle, keep gathering the pieces, see how they fit together and one of these days the bigger picture willcome into focus and it will almost all make sense to you.

Just because your mom says it is not so does not make it not so, my mom discounts everything i say, and she recalls everything that happened to me very differently.

I tend to trust your recollection of things, everything you say rings true for me so far.

Perhaps there was someone else involved, who knows, just so you know i never met an addict yet that was not quite accomplished at manipulating people and events to their benefit. I never met one yet that willingly admitted that they had a problem again after they had told everyone they quit. Most addicts live in a world of deciet and think they are pulling the wool over everyones eyes and will do anything and everything to keep the people that notice the discrepancies from figuring out their game.

I got a feeling she is trying o cover her butt more than anything else.

Hang in there, ok?

Hugs,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#45034 - 08/08/02 12:48 PM Re: Dont believe myself anymore
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
Most addicts live in a world of deciet and think they are pulling the wool over everyones eyes and will do anything and everything to keep the people that notice the discrepancies from figuring out their game.
What's the common link between addicts, perp's and us ?
Lies, they tell them, we believe them and then we start lying to cover up.
But we're breaking the link

John's right Kevin, one day at a time is the way out, go to class. Make it your goal for today.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#45035 - 08/09/02 01:46 AM Re: Dont believe myself anymore
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
i missed class, but i think i needed it. We werent doing anything really anyways. Today i went though and we had a barbeque. At first i was a little uncomfortable, but i loosened up towards the end. I am going back next semester.

Even if all those other things werent true, some other things i remember pretty solidly are, and maybe they are not pysical incest, but they hurt as bad, worse actually, as what my brother did to me, which was.

I also dont know why i would make memories up either. And any thoughts of incest aside, i still watched her cook herion in front of me when i was five. I still have to live with the kids at school constantly calling me crackhead because they knew id get upset about it, because i saw what drugs did to my mom.

I think i just remembered her cooking when we lived in huntington beach. Maybe, maybe not. We also lived with someone who she admitted did herion, who was her boyfriend. If she quit in 1985, why was she hanging around with a junky in the early 90's?

I have always had to carry her, tried to protect her from herself, and there was no way i could, so i was always a failure. Screw that! Im not going to throw my life away for her or anybody else. And if things happened beyond what i remember right now, then i am not going to be able to hide from them, no matter how hard i try. I have a lot of things i want to do, and i dont want to feel depressed anymore. If i am going to feel sad, then i want to feel sorrow, not just depressed. I guess it is just one tiny step after another, over and over again.


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#45036 - 08/09/02 11:42 AM Re: Dont believe myself anymore
integrator Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/02
Posts: 107
Loc: New York
You said it, Broken, one tiny step over and over again. And just like the other guys were saying, you are worth the effort.
Take my mother for example. She's no drug addict, but she's no crusader for justice, either. When I've mentioned my abuse by a stranger to her, she has done much worse than simply deny it. She has argued against it and tried to dissuade me from that idea.
I've tried to discuss the topic with other people in my life, and they can hardly listen before they just try to change the subject. It's almost like in recognizing the truth, we have become like secret agents. Bond, James Bond. License to instil courage.
Keep up the classes. I'm starting them myself. There's only one way out of this mess taking shape that I can see, and education is it.


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