A lawyer friend of mine was cross examining a hostile witness. The man refused to answer and the judge said if " if you dont answer sir , I will hold you in contempt". The man said i am 80 years old, hold me in contempt. I am not afraid , I really don't care. The judge looked perplexed, and decided it was just not worth it, the man was excused.
Once we lose fear of what others think, what the consequences will be and what we fear ourselves, others lose power over us. My friend the lawyer said that has what has made him so good at law, letting to of ego and losing fear.
When we come out about being gay or when we talk about our CSA in a matter of fact, open and frank way, all the anxiety we held starts to melt away. I came out on this day 3 years ago. it wasnt planned it just happened that way. The fear and self loathing i had held so close to my chest for so long like a bad hand at poker i had bluffed with all my life - well it just played out like that. Read it and weep. There WERE a lot of tears to be sure. But then something remarkable happened. My ability to look myself in the mirror, my honesty with those i loved for first time in my life was REAL, and low and behold i was not kicked from the table. They just dealt me another hand.
I dont have to bluff anymore. When you are playing your life from a power position it is so much easier, so much less stressful, you get to live in the moment. When you live in fear, you ruminate and regret your past, and you cogitate and lament about the future. "I can't , I could never, that will never happen to me, the people i know would hate me if they really knew me. " All that energy sapping self doubt and repression let go because i could see for the first time it wasn't true. Finally you get to enjoy today, because you dont have to constantly check in the rear view mirror and you dont have to guard your words or thoughts for slip ups that might reveal a "tell". Yeah for today!
I know we have to do it in our own time, I wish my time had been sooner, but i am thankful it came when it did. Again and again we are hearing more coming out stories from celebs and friends and the overwhelming message of hope and acceptance is like a NIKE ad. JUST DO IT!
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama
WoR Barrie 2011