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#450542 - 10/18/13 10:03 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Happy Birthday flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Dark,
I know in my heart what I should be doing and how I should be dealing with all this. I just can't seem to get my brain to follow. I don't really feel like I have been given a choice to deal with all of this. I can't get it out of my head but yet I can't make it come out of my mouth. I have many days that I feel as if I can't do this for one more minute. That is why I am on meds the out come would be much different if I wasn't. Thank you for reaching out everyone here has been so positive. I keep hearing how strong I am but for the life of me I don't see it. I have actually been told b&g my spouse to "get over it" to and I was only doing this for attention. That hurt so bad. But maybe she is right.

Thanks again
Flight
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450546 - 10/18/13 11:14 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1991
Loc: durham, north england
Well Flight, as I said I'd personally not go down the road of "I should be doing this" or "I should be doing that"

To me that sounds like somebody who has just broken their arm saying "I should be able to bowl with this arm" it's just not an oppinion which matches current capabilities and circumstances, indeed for me, one of the major things I had to learn was that I was not able to make rational judgements of myself, including my idea of abuse.

I had points of telling myself "it wasn't that bad" and "I must be pathetic for being so affected" which was of course an extention of the general sense of worthlessness that I have struggled with.

One thing you might want to think about is do you judge yourself the same way you judge others? Suppose another man told you your own story, told you how he was feeling, would you think he! was seaking attention?
Some chaps indeed considder themselves as boys at whatever age the abuse happened and try talking to them as they would to a child just to get a sense of perspective on themselves, (I've never found this technique really helpful myself, but others certainly have).

For me, I started to get perspective when I'd wrote down my story and read it back. My first thought was "yee gods, if someone else had written this I'd think it was dam awful!"

This is why it's good to get to the stage of being able to actually tell your story, ---- or at least write it down privately to look at for yourself.


Regarding your wife, well that is hard, though I know my parents went through a time of trying to say "oh stop that!" as if I were a child being silly, my mum even tried to jolly me along through genophobic reactions by telling mildly off colour stories casually which didn't help.

You might want to ask in the F&F section, or encourage your wife to post there herself, to get a perspective from partners of abused men, though I confess since I've never had a relationship I can't say much on that score.

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#450554 - 10/18/13 11:45 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Happy Birthday flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Dark
You make a lot of sense! I have tried writing it down just can't get thru it yet. Maybe I will try again. I think if I could share with my wife that she may be more understanding but that's a crap shoot. It is very easy for me to rationalize how I should be dealing with this, I just am having a really hard time putting it into action.

Your words of advice are good and you are a very good writer...

Best of luck to you
Flight
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450791 - 10/21/13 10:37 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hey flight,

I don't know if you've tried EMDR therapy, but it might be worth talking to your therapist about, especially if you feel totally out of it, like things aren't real sometimes. For me, dealing with the truth has not always been a matter of self-control or anything. Like I would try, and I'd be scared and horrified what someone would think of me. But there was more than that, like I'd feel that my body wasn't real, or that the room I was in was shimmering, as if it was fake. Sometimes I've had the sensation that the whole world around me was moving to this strange diabolical beat, in a nightmarish way. (It freaks me out and I can remember the beat just writing that! It's horrible!)

All those things together made it all but impossible for me to deal with the tragic abuse in my childhood, because I just couldn't function!

Ah, but the meds helped. And then EMDR helped. And exercise. Lots of exercise. And surprisingly helpful visualization tips I got from my most recent therapist. That stuff REALLY helps a lot, like visualizing putting memories that really bother me into a really strong box. Another thing to do is visualize myself as who I was right after the abuse, and I hold myself and comfort myself, tell myself it wasn't my fault and that I love myself. That really helps a lot. I like to comfort that kid. He needs it.

Anyway, good luck. Keep after it. And for goodness sake, don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing everything right.

Bob

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#450805 - 10/21/13 12:28 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Happy Birthday flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Thank you to all who have posted. I really am blessed to have found this site....

Flight
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450994 - 10/22/13 03:42 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Keep seeking a piece of peace, Flight. I feel the same way.

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#451004 - 10/22/13 06:30 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 686
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Flight and Dark Empathy and Bob,

Thank you all so much for being here right now. I am 64 and have always minimized what happened to me. The truth is that my mother systematically tortured me into submission and used me as a sex toy up to the age of 3. She had other children to use then. I was raped by my father some, I don't know how many times. Some of it was while in the bathtub with him, some of it was when I was in bed at night--again, all before the age of 4. He may have raped me when I was 8. Something happened then, but it is totally blocked. I didn't begin to remember any of the abuse until I was 53 and only began to remember the abuse by my mother about 5 months ago.

Reading your experiences helps me so much because I have always needed to pretend that I am stronger than I am, that I can do more than I can do, and that my early experiences did not do as much damage to me as they have done. None of these things help me, in fact they all contribute to weakening me. I know the only way to a healthy place for me is to be able to see myself as I truly am and learn to set healthy limits and boundaries with myself. I have a ways to go.

I do look forward to the day when I am able to write my story, but I would only minimize it at this point. I'm not ready to see the whole thing at once right now. Thank you for being here.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#451035 - 10/22/13 11:46 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
healingheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 28
Thanks for your honesty. I wont try to cheer you up or give you hallmark-card warm fuzzies, or give a pep talk or tell you how many wonderful ways I know how to overcome the pain and isolation and hurt. I am not gunna say that because I always think its a bit saccharine to say those things if I dont really know the other person.

What I will say is that you are not alone in your feelings. Ive been struggling with this for my entire life- and actively working on it since getting clean and sober 17 years ago. I've had some really good years- not nearly perfect but good. Right now, I've been going through several years of hell. I dont really know why it all came to pass this way but it did.

I struggle with such pain and anger. I feel stupid because (as people are so quick to point out) that "gee, other people in the world have it so much worse... so buck up!" But is that fair to myself? (Is it fair for anyone to say to anyone else?) The damage inside is real and deep and persistent. The trauma is real. The pain is real. We lived through trauma (some of us week in and week out)- thats as traumatic as hell itself. And we were children unable to process, understand or help ourselves.

I cant tell you it will be alright because I don't know. I dont even know if it will be alright for me. I can say that the past 17 years havent been all bad. I can say my therapist believes in me and that I am pushing into important new territory with the potential for love, stability and meaning. I trust him. But I dont yet believe that for myself. I dont really have a choice but to keep struggling and working. The pain is too much and the sadness too much and grief too much. I either keep going or I give up. There's no treading water for me these days.

Ive been very discouraged and despondent recently. The more I see the enormity of what the abuse stole from me, the harder it is. But I guess the good side is that I have had to develop a capacity to connect with others, to love, to see Im talented and smart- otherwise I would not know what I had been missing. Does that make sense?

Please feel free to write me anytime. I wont try to talk you out of your feelings. In fact, I will just tell you truthfully about mine. You arent alone, if that helps.

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