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#450293 - 10/15/13 10:29 PM Suffering
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
So I thought I would post here because I have burdened to many people that I love.
I don't even know where to start. I have a great life one that most people only dream of. I have my dream job, a beautiful healthy family I want for nothing. So why am I so miserable. I was sexually abused in a very violent way when I was eight. That was 30 yrs ago!!!! In the last 12 weeks it has all but consumed me. I was admitted to the physic ward for 8 days in August. They have me all kinds of meds. I see my T once a week with no progress because I can't get the words to come out. I have been having night terrors that leave me scared and exhausted. I keep reading that the pain is good?? I am here to tell you the pain SUCKS!!!!! If I could bury this like I did for 30 yrs I would do it in a second. I don't see any healing in my future only more pain. I am so sick of people telling me it's going to be alright.. I just need someone to tell me the truth. Like yeah it sucks you never forget this will be with you as long as you live. This will ruin relationships, cause you anxiety, make you scared of being close to a male friend., make you avoid large crowds. This will dominate how you raise your children. Nobody ever says that!!!!

Not trying to rain on anyone's parade I hope that all the people here at MS find exactly what they are looking for.... I am just scared to death I won't..

So discouraged
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450298 - 10/15/13 11:03 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
maa17200 Offline


Registered: 10/10/13
Posts: 4
Loc: California
I understand how you are feeling 100%.

Although I never "buried" the CSA that happened to me, I never truly dealt with it and was pretty numb to it for 15 years, mostly because I had other abuse issues that were more pressing throughout my childhood right up through when I left home for college.

Although I have seen more than a fair share of hardships and abuse, I have a great life in every other way than my past. . . it is hard to come to terms with how severely these memories are affecting me lately, basically since I found out I was going to be a father almost two years ago (my son is 1). It is so true about the feeling that this will be with you as long as you live, that it will dominate your life, how you raise your kids, anxiety, etc.

But here's how I see it: Yes, it sucks. It really fucking sucks, and it's totally unfair, and no one deserves to live the rest of their lives with this. But like all loss--and I think this IS a loss, a loss of a part of ourselves--it will ease with time. It will never go away, but we can learn to manage how to live with it; that's why I am here now. Even though it seems it would be easier if I did any of those things that people do to numb or end the pain (alcohol, drugs, affairs, suicide), I know I have to take care of myself and push forward to a better place because my family needs me. I cannot imagine not being there for my wife and son. I cannot leave them stranded.

Don't give up on yourself.
_________________________
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Donít take anything personally.
3. Donít make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

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#450299 - 10/15/13 11:17 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
You will truly be miserable flightmedic. You will feel terror, fear, anxiety, panic. It is just this, the abuse was covered up, by us as survivors, decades ago. It festered, it simmered, it grew in our subconscious. We felt it every so once in a while and we drank/drugged/sexed/self harmed it back, used it's energy and isolated from it. Now, when it wants to, in it's power from our neglect, albeit it unknown to us, it tries to take us over. We are intelligent, driven, stable, confident but now our hurt, abused and neglected personality that we froze all those years ago has thawed and they want their turn at the peace and success they see in some parts of our lives.

This means the chaos within us is actually, us, from our past, that we have pushed down so as not to have to deal with the abuse. It was overwhelming, traumatic and intense, what we experience is incredibly difficult. It is not our choice to deal with the abuse, but it is ourselves, our thoughts and feelings that let loose those memories, hoping to find the relief it senses we own in our carefully constructed lives.

The result? Go into it flight, embrace the chaos and continue to offer it, to offer you reasoning, patience and eventual relief. You will need to learn new tools to calm these feelings and thoughts, but you will.

You will.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#450300 - 10/15/13 11:27 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Thanks for the responses. The only problem is that I feel like this is my burden to carry not my family's. Yes I can't imagine them not having me. But do they want this me?? This is not what they signed up for. My abuser is dead!!! Took his own life. Makes me so mad that I am left to deal with his aftermath.

I hope everyone is right!!!!! Because the tunnel is only getting darker for me:(
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450301 - 10/15/13 11:36 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
maa17200 Offline


Registered: 10/10/13
Posts: 4
Loc: California
Families stick together and are there for each other. Your family can give you some support, but you are right, they cannot bear this burden for you. The good thing is you don't have to try to handle it all by yourself. Your wife can give you some support. Your doctor or therapist is there to help you and to teach you to help yourself.

And I don't think you are right when you say "they did not sign up for this." Being a family means there's no such thing. You are there for each other through the hardest things. The same way you would be there for them if the shoe was on the other foot. It is okay to say to your wife, I need your help. Saying that to my wife was the hardest thing, but I am glad I did. She helps me. Of course, there is a limit to what I can ask from her, when I should get outside help, but that's not the same thing as trying to insulate your family from your internal pain.
_________________________
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Donít take anything personally.
3. Donít make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

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#450341 - 10/16/13 11:26 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hey flightmedic, thanks for being on the forum, and thanks for sharing. I have to say that I disagree with MAA172. Families don't necessarily stick together. Families, like all groups of humans, are prone to error as humans are. Some families are mostly supportive, but you're right, flightmedic, to be anxious and be worried.

Like you, I was raped... let's go ahead and use the term... when I was 10. And I kept it secret for not quite 30 years. So I think I understand some of what you're going through. Or at least maybe there are similarities. (I think people who are sexually abused before they themselves become sexual beings have some differences from people who were abused after. Maybe it's more confusing if before.... Not sure.)

Here's the thing. You don't have to tell people. You don't have to tell your family. But you're living, basically, with red-hot iron bars of pain in your psyche, and that shit will literally kill you if you don't deal with it. You've become a flightmedic and done other hard things, so you know how to steel yourself and get shit done.

So... you've started the ball rolling here. You've joined this forum. Start expressing yourself. I haven't checked your other posts, but are you seeing a therapist? You probably need to. I think you're right to be anxious about your family. (My family has not been... optimal... in the way they've reacted to me telling them. Not terrible, really, but not optimal, either. I'm glad I had been through as much therapy as I had when I told them or it would have been HORRIBLE!) BUT you can safely tell a therapist who specializes in CSA... and preferably someone who can prescribe medications and someone who can do EMDR. I've been doing EMDR on and off for about a year and it's the most effective therapy I've done so far.

Anyway, it does suck to have this kind of thing in your past. I'm glad your abuser is dead, because that way you don't have the opportunity to kill them. (I spent long years thinking of ways to kill the person who abused me, and I'm still consumed with a hateful rage when I think about him.) But honestly, being a survivor of CSA isn't so bad. Hell, I'm actually in a pretty good place most of the time these days. So there you have it. It SUCKS! But, what doesn't sometimes, right?

Take a few deep breathes. And then start talking to a therapist. And then, when your feet are on solid ground, then you can start to think about talking to family members.

But it's not a damn footrace. Don't try to set a speed record to telling. But start dealing with the pain and trauma yourself.

Good luck. When you find a bit of peace, enjoy it. You'll live.

Bob

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#450348 - 10/16/13 12:15 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Doing better today thank you all for reaching out!!!!!
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450359 - 10/16/13 02:31 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
If and when you decide to confront the perpetrator there are methods used when they have passed.

Holding it in all these years really didn't work... keep at it.

May your good day s outnumber the bad ones.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#450363 - 10/16/13 03:34 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hey man welcome !

I'm sorry that this is been rough on you the past few months.

The truth is there is no one truth.

we all have dealt with our lives and the abuse in different ways.

We've had different stories of positive, sustainable healthy choices and support in our lives and - speaking for myself - years of escaping numbing out avoiding dealing with reality.

I can say that honestly walking through my problems and finding people who have walked similar roads and share an understanding of csa has been very helpful.

I continue to learn how to take care of myself and heal.

There are many books and articles that have helped me understand the abuse and its effects on me and taught me how to learn to take care of myself.

There is help.

You seem to have built a life and a profession and a family for yourself - remember that you do have skills and a life that works in many ways.

You probably sought out education, teachers and mentors to help you along with many of these steps of your journey.

Dealing with CSA is no different.

I have to disagree that it is miserable as previous posters have posited.

There is pain - yes - in finally acknowledging some of the loss and damage of the abuse.

Speaking for myself there is been a lot of additional pain and damage from my escaping and acting out behaviors with food, money, alcohol and sex that I take responsibility for.

The times i have buried myself in isolation, shame and denial and have not sought out help have been costly.

And yet today is the only day that I have.

Welcome to YOUR journey of recovery. May you find support, understanding and strength from other survivors to walk thru to a better place and reclaim your life to the fullest.




Edited by Mountainous Buck (10/16/13 03:37 PM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ďIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#450368 - 10/16/13 04:27 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 761
Loc: michigan
hey flight
if anyone has told you that it is going to be easy then I would say they lied to you. this son of a bitch "process" sucks bad but the fact is it can get better. I was LOOSING MY MIND when I started this and it really got worse before I could see a light. I did a lot of writing posted a lot here too you can look back and see them just vent man let people here at least know that is how I started to be able to tell more. just by writing and posting it here. poetry or just ramblings it all helps man then you may find your voice in T it takes time and that REALLY sucks I HATE that I want it done now but it seems I have very little choice in when these things happen and that again sucks ass. it can get better man and Im sure you will
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#450372 - 10/16/13 04:52 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
I absolutely agree with everything above... the stuff that echoes what I wrote... and the stuff that doesn't. If you want to see a transformation of a person, you can look up my old posts and compare them to new ones. (You might get bored out of your mind!) But two years ago... as well as previously... I felt like I was losing my mind. Like I might kill myself. Or kill someone else. There was a good long period of time when the only thing stopping me from killing the person who did this to me was the fact that I didn't want to go to jail and I couldn't bear to have another secret in my life! I was in HATEFUL PAIN! And I can still find that pain without looking too deep, and God help me if I'm drunk when I find it, because I can get downright dangerous BUT.... The truth is I'm a MUCH MUCH happier person now. Thank GOD. That and some judiciously used meds. There's no shame in taking the edge off of anxiety. I think of it as taking pain medication for pain. It just MAKES SENSE.

Anyway, keep it up. Keep healing. Keep seeking peace. God bless you. (Not any particular God.) But I do want you to feel like the master of the universe just placed a kindly and thoughtful blessing on your head.

Bob

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#450433 - 10/17/13 12:43 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1529
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: flightmedic38
...I don't see any healing in my future only more pain. I am so sick of people telling me it's going to be alright.. I just need someone to tell me the truth. Like yeah it sucks you never forget this will be with you as long as you live. This will ruin relationships, cause you anxiety, make you scared of being close to a male friend., make you avoid large crowds. This will dominate how you raise your children. Nobody ever says that!!!!
Hey flightmedic38,

I so know how you are feeling. There's no denying that this is the hardest work a man can ever do. I can only speak from my own experience, but no, I won't lie to you. I believe that the pain, fear, and anxiety (did I mention anger, shame, and self-hatred?) of my abuse will always be with me. How could it not be? It happened. It will always affect me.

What does change, slowly, sometimes imperceptibly, is that I have come to accept that it did happen, and that I am somewhat handicapped as a result. Like the guy who lost his legs in the Boston Marathon bombing, I am learning to live with my handicap and make the best life possible for myself. Its not the life I'd hoped for, not the life that might have been if only...... But its the life I have been given. And I intend to live it to the max.

All those negative feelings remain....but in the backround. Sometimes they come to the front without warning and knock the wind out of me. But I catch my breath and keep going and it passes.

Maybe I'm just a stubborn bastard who doesn't know when he's been beat. But fuck it! I'll keep fighting it and we'll see what the score is when the game is over.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
Well, I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down.
Tom Petty

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#450439 - 10/17/13 06:07 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1990
Loc: durham, north england
The truth? Well one interesting fact about that particular beast is that it's never what you actually think it is, neither as dark or as light. Just as it's equally bad to say "everyone in the world is an utter scumbag" as it is to say "everyone is good deep down" seeing the truth one and only one way, either in all those platitudes people (who often don't have any comperable experience), like to say, or in the flat darkness of your own worst imaginings.

as newground and Jude have said, you generally need to just carry on until you find out the truth for yourself.

Yes, there will be a lot of suffering, you know that already, but that's going to happen anyway, and frankly would've done sooner or later. one of my own realizations was that despite how it seemed! to me that I'd opened the proverbial can of worms, even before my decision, (and something of an inforced decision), to confront my own abuse ten years after the fact, I wasn't previously as "fine" as I thought I was.

The only good news however is that as several guys here said, you will find a way of living with it, if you go on. Poetry, a good rant on this forum and telling your story can help. Some people find therapists helpful, (myself I never got a convenient one, and got most support from friends when I needed it), heck, just knowing yourself well enough to find good ways of coping through the down periods and learning that they do! pass.

And after a while of just going day to day, your perceptions of your life, your future, your truth, will not be what it is now.

For myself I've realized that there are effects which will always! be with me, and likely will always affect me, (and I admit this isn't an easy realization). But those don't define me. I'm more than just what happened to me at secondary school, just as someone with no legs is more than just their inability to walk.

This however took time, and work, and a lot of suffering, there is no point denying it, but it has! got better.

Whether your experience will be the same I don't know, but that has been mine and I hope you found it helpful.

Luke.

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#450450 - 10/17/13 09:12 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
First and foremost Thank you too all that responded!!! The good is that I have a great T who makes time for me has open communication anytime I need it. I have found great support here at MS.

The bad well the pain, shame,anger, self loathing take there toll on me on a daily basis. I don't really have a support system at home. They are supportive in the fact that I get to go to therapy. But they don't understand why it's such a problem.

I hate that I am viewed as handicapped just kinda of pisses me off. But it is the truth when it comes down to it. Finding coping skills has helped.
It is very discouraging that people are in therapy for years.

Thank you all for the kind words
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450453 - 10/17/13 09:52 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6422
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
bump back up
_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#450480 - 10/17/13 04:51 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1990
Loc: durham, north england
Well flight, it is ossible that either A, your family doesn't know how to provide support, or B, they're doing what they can with limited knolidge.

My parents have at different times done different things, some of these have been extremely helpful, (their suggestion that I briefly try antidepressants, though I don't take these anymore), others have been less so, my mum's idea about eharmony for instance.

Mostly what I asked for from my parents and what I got was space, simply being left alone to deal with things, since dealing with people, even my parents was hard work.

I have on three occasions phoned friends just because I needed someone to talk to, or at least cry to, and my friends were great at that point, though those tend to be rare. Above all I've mostly used this sight to express feelings. The rest has just been me on my own, coping, and often having to work things out.

REgarding "pissed off being seen as handicapped" well firstly, who exactly is seeing you as handicapped? and secondly, why should it piss you off?

To be honest since I have a visual imparement I have the problem of being "seen as handicapped" on a very constant basis in a very literal sense. And yes, it pisses me off when for instance the guard on a train is insistant that I need a wheel chair ramp to get onto the train and I have to convince them otherwise, or when in any new group of people nobody will speak to me for the first few hours if at all.

What however annoys me in these cases is not being perceived as possessing a disability, but people's assumption that this makes me a fundamentally different kind of being, less capable at perfectly obvious things like climbing steps.

Second, if we ditch that irritating term "handicapped" and replace it with the much more neutral "disabled" what is wrong with having a disability anyway?

if you don't mind me trying out a little of my own research on you since I've just finished writing a doctoral thesis in ethics on defining disability, my own personal deffinition (in a sentence), is "a disability is any involuntary state of a person which interferes with them being able to carry out desires like normal people" (there is about another fifty pages before getting to that deffinition but that is it).

On this basis, it is just as legitimate to say a person with a miner food alogy (say to nuts), is "disabled" as it is to say a person with clinnical, genetically caused depression or paraplegia is disabled.

Abuse definitely falls into this catagory, it is a violation of a person's self which causes many nasty psychological effects which dam well do! interfere with carrying out desires or living a normal life.

So yes probably everyone hear is disabled, ---- but so hwat! that's like saying everyone who is poor doesn't have enough money or resources to live a reasonable life. it's a factual statement about a bad human condition nothing more. It's what we do! about it that matters.

Btw, please don't worry about the "handicapped" comment, I actually appreciate a chance that the philosophy I've been working so hard on for the past few years might actually surve the purpose they're intended to and help! someone in their life.

Luke.

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#450487 - 10/17/13 05:53 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Luke,
You are very well spoken and I appreciate the feed back. I am hearing and visually impaired. I have dealt with "handicap" my entire life. I am just pissed off because those were genetic, what my abuser did to me was not. I do have to take meds just to function at this moment. Life doesn't stop just because we are having problems. Actually I think it speeds up. I do however like your definition. I haven't been able to tell my story and I do feel handicapped by that. I can't make the words come out. When I think about I just get anxious and want to puke. There is so much more to all of this than being abused. It has it's grips on me and I am not winning this battle. I am fighting like hell but I am exhausted by its everyday presents.

Thanks for the feed back
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450488 - 10/17/13 06:36 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6422
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
When my dam broke, and I was fully being washed away in pain and horror of flashbacks I thought that I was one of the very few 'that' happened to in this world. When I found this site as a non-member, I felt a bit relieved. When I read Mike Lew's book: Victims No Longer, I wondered how this guy Mike followed me around for all those years. If you get the book, all I can say is that you take it very very slow. A chapter a day is too much in my op.

I highlighted everything that applied to me in some way. It looks like someone dipped it in a pot of highlighter ink.

I was given a fresh copy to highlight for the mother of a 12-yo whom recently disclosed years of abuse. She wanted to know what I thought was relevant for him. I just handed back the entire book and said "all of this without the highlighter."

Don't give up Kansas!
_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#450493 - 10/17/13 07:16 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Doing my best!!!!! Dam broke and I can't get it plugged. But I am fighting one day at a time. Wish I could see in to the future!! I have so much to be thankful for I just have to remind myself everyday. Suffering is part of it I guess. I would be fine if I could just get past the anxiety:( it rules my life everyday. Things I never worried about now send me in a tail spin.. Just surviving at this point.
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450535 - 10/18/13 07:48 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1990
Loc: durham, north england
Well flight, why should genetic or not make a difference? It's after all the effects that count, heck, only part of my own visual imparement is due to the genetic condition I have, I should! all things being equal have had the same amount of vision as my brother and be able to read large print etc. That didn't happen due to various environmental damage from my premature birth and from a botched opperation when i was 7, but the effect is the same.

Of course with abuse the intention of the abuser makes a difference. For me, one thing I had to realize was that the intention of my own abusers didn't matter and shouldn't make a difference to me. Of course in my case the abuse was done by classmates at school as part of bullying that went far too far, and so was essentialy done casually as a joke, (yes, gang rape and s/xual humiliation as a joke sounds ridiculous but that is how it was).

So I had to realize that their intention didn't matter to me, it was the effect that those three years had and still have on me that matters.

Of course, other guys who had a more emotional connection to their abusers as family members or psudo friends have a different experience of that intention and what it means for them, but the effects still need dealing with.

There is no other way of saying it, the effects dam well hurt! and can lead to feeling vulnerable, fragile and anxious and as if every day is a struggle. If you need medication to help with this, (heck, I did for a while), well fine. However that isn't the be all and end all. you've started dealing with things by just being on this site and talking to other guys, the fact that it was so difficult to start that process and yet you have shows a lot of courage and commitment. Now, all you need to do is carry on that way as you are doing. Maybe reading mike loo's book will help (I wouldn't know myself since I couldn't get a copy in accessible format, though when i did go to one of the man's afternoon conferences it helped).

Above all though just stick around here, vent when needed and keep going one day at a time.

With your story, well if you stick around, chat about your feelings, talk about the effects, (as you did in your nightmares topic), and read some stories from other guys, well you'll find it becomes easier. i won't say more comfortable, but easier.

I myself felt extremely relieved when I first ran into someone else who's abusers were female, especially since my own abuse took place at the hands of that most protected group in our society, teenaged girls.

While nobody will have exactly %100 the same experience, there will be enough similarities to make you feel less alone.

I'll also add that even where such similarities don't exist, guys on this site are able to muster up a great amount of imaginative empathy, aprticularly when the effects rather than the causes are similar.

Lastly, you say you "should be thankful" well that depends upon how your feeling at the time. As I thought myself in This topic I posted a while ago I tend to think whether you can! be positive depends much more on mental state than circumstances. Maybe you can't be thankful at the moment, ---- well that's how it is, and there's no point beating yourself up about it. Indeed, I found myself that one thing I had to learn was not to dwell too heavily on what I was or should be, simply because where I! was concerned my judgements would always be prejudiced.

Senica, one of the founderrs of stoic philosophy famously said "A good man could be happy on the wrack"
Bertran russel, the 20th century logician and ethicist pointed out that "it'd have to be a very good man and a very bad wrack!" laugh.

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#450542 - 10/18/13 10:03 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Dark,
I know in my heart what I should be doing and how I should be dealing with all this. I just can't seem to get my brain to follow. I don't really feel like I have been given a choice to deal with all of this. I can't get it out of my head but yet I can't make it come out of my mouth. I have many days that I feel as if I can't do this for one more minute. That is why I am on meds the out come would be much different if I wasn't. Thank you for reaching out everyone here has been so positive. I keep hearing how strong I am but for the life of me I don't see it. I have actually been told b&g my spouse to "get over it" to and I was only doing this for attention. That hurt so bad. But maybe she is right.

Thanks again
Flight
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450546 - 10/18/13 11:14 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1990
Loc: durham, north england
Well Flight, as I said I'd personally not go down the road of "I should be doing this" or "I should be doing that"

To me that sounds like somebody who has just broken their arm saying "I should be able to bowl with this arm" it's just not an oppinion which matches current capabilities and circumstances, indeed for me, one of the major things I had to learn was that I was not able to make rational judgements of myself, including my idea of abuse.

I had points of telling myself "it wasn't that bad" and "I must be pathetic for being so affected" which was of course an extention of the general sense of worthlessness that I have struggled with.

One thing you might want to think about is do you judge yourself the same way you judge others? Suppose another man told you your own story, told you how he was feeling, would you think he! was seaking attention?
Some chaps indeed considder themselves as boys at whatever age the abuse happened and try talking to them as they would to a child just to get a sense of perspective on themselves, (I've never found this technique really helpful myself, but others certainly have).

For me, I started to get perspective when I'd wrote down my story and read it back. My first thought was "yee gods, if someone else had written this I'd think it was dam awful!"

This is why it's good to get to the stage of being able to actually tell your story, ---- or at least write it down privately to look at for yourself.


Regarding your wife, well that is hard, though I know my parents went through a time of trying to say "oh stop that!" as if I were a child being silly, my mum even tried to jolly me along through genophobic reactions by telling mildly off colour stories casually which didn't help.

You might want to ask in the F&F section, or encourage your wife to post there herself, to get a perspective from partners of abused men, though I confess since I've never had a relationship I can't say much on that score.

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#450554 - 10/18/13 11:45 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Dark
You make a lot of sense! I have tried writing it down just can't get thru it yet. Maybe I will try again. I think if I could share with my wife that she may be more understanding but that's a crap shoot. It is very easy for me to rationalize how I should be dealing with this, I just am having a really hard time putting it into action.

Your words of advice are good and you are a very good writer...

Best of luck to you
Flight
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450791 - 10/21/13 10:37 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hey flight,

I don't know if you've tried EMDR therapy, but it might be worth talking to your therapist about, especially if you feel totally out of it, like things aren't real sometimes. For me, dealing with the truth has not always been a matter of self-control or anything. Like I would try, and I'd be scared and horrified what someone would think of me. But there was more than that, like I'd feel that my body wasn't real, or that the room I was in was shimmering, as if it was fake. Sometimes I've had the sensation that the whole world around me was moving to this strange diabolical beat, in a nightmarish way. (It freaks me out and I can remember the beat just writing that! It's horrible!)

All those things together made it all but impossible for me to deal with the tragic abuse in my childhood, because I just couldn't function!

Ah, but the meds helped. And then EMDR helped. And exercise. Lots of exercise. And surprisingly helpful visualization tips I got from my most recent therapist. That stuff REALLY helps a lot, like visualizing putting memories that really bother me into a really strong box. Another thing to do is visualize myself as who I was right after the abuse, and I hold myself and comfort myself, tell myself it wasn't my fault and that I love myself. That really helps a lot. I like to comfort that kid. He needs it.

Anyway, good luck. Keep after it. And for goodness sake, don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing everything right.

Bob

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#450805 - 10/21/13 12:28 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Thank you to all who have posted. I really am blessed to have found this site....

Flight
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450994 - 10/22/13 03:42 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Keep seeking a piece of peace, Flight. I feel the same way.

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#451004 - 10/22/13 06:30 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
don64 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 684
Loc: St. Croix, USVI
Flight and Dark Empathy and Bob,

Thank you all so much for being here right now. I am 64 and have always minimized what happened to me. The truth is that my mother systematically tortured me into submission and used me as a sex toy up to the age of 3. She had other children to use then. I was raped by my father some, I don't know how many times. Some of it was while in the bathtub with him, some of it was when I was in bed at night--again, all before the age of 4. He may have raped me when I was 8. Something happened then, but it is totally blocked. I didn't begin to remember any of the abuse until I was 53 and only began to remember the abuse by my mother about 5 months ago.

Reading your experiences helps me so much because I have always needed to pretend that I am stronger than I am, that I can do more than I can do, and that my early experiences did not do as much damage to me as they have done. None of these things help me, in fact they all contribute to weakening me. I know the only way to a healthy place for me is to be able to see myself as I truly am and learn to set healthy limits and boundaries with myself. I have a ways to go.

I do look forward to the day when I am able to write my story, but I would only minimize it at this point. I'm not ready to see the whole thing at once right now. Thank you for being here.

Don
_________________________
Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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#451035 - 10/22/13 11:46 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
healingheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 28
Thanks for your honesty. I wont try to cheer you up or give you hallmark-card warm fuzzies, or give a pep talk or tell you how many wonderful ways I know how to overcome the pain and isolation and hurt. I am not gunna say that because I always think its a bit saccharine to say those things if I dont really know the other person.

What I will say is that you are not alone in your feelings. Ive been struggling with this for my entire life- and actively working on it since getting clean and sober 17 years ago. I've had some really good years- not nearly perfect but good. Right now, I've been going through several years of hell. I dont really know why it all came to pass this way but it did.

I struggle with such pain and anger. I feel stupid because (as people are so quick to point out) that "gee, other people in the world have it so much worse... so buck up!" But is that fair to myself? (Is it fair for anyone to say to anyone else?) The damage inside is real and deep and persistent. The trauma is real. The pain is real. We lived through trauma (some of us week in and week out)- thats as traumatic as hell itself. And we were children unable to process, understand or help ourselves.

I cant tell you it will be alright because I don't know. I dont even know if it will be alright for me. I can say that the past 17 years havent been all bad. I can say my therapist believes in me and that I am pushing into important new territory with the potential for love, stability and meaning. I trust him. But I dont yet believe that for myself. I dont really have a choice but to keep struggling and working. The pain is too much and the sadness too much and grief too much. I either keep going or I give up. There's no treading water for me these days.

Ive been very discouraged and despondent recently. The more I see the enormity of what the abuse stole from me, the harder it is. But I guess the good side is that I have had to develop a capacity to connect with others, to love, to see Im talented and smart- otherwise I would not know what I had been missing. Does that make sense?

Please feel free to write me anytime. I wont try to talk you out of your feelings. In fact, I will just tell you truthfully about mine. You arent alone, if that helps.

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