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#450372 - 10/16/13 04:52 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 307
I absolutely agree with everything above... the stuff that echoes what I wrote... and the stuff that doesn't. If you want to see a transformation of a person, you can look up my old posts and compare them to new ones. (You might get bored out of your mind!) But two years ago... as well as previously... I felt like I was losing my mind. Like I might kill myself. Or kill someone else. There was a good long period of time when the only thing stopping me from killing the person who did this to me was the fact that I didn't want to go to jail and I couldn't bear to have another secret in my life! I was in HATEFUL PAIN! And I can still find that pain without looking too deep, and God help me if I'm drunk when I find it, because I can get downright dangerous BUT.... The truth is I'm a MUCH MUCH happier person now. Thank GOD. That and some judiciously used meds. There's no shame in taking the edge off of anxiety. I think of it as taking pain medication for pain. It just MAKES SENSE.

Anyway, keep it up. Keep healing. Keep seeking peace. God bless you. (Not any particular God.) But I do want you to feel like the master of the universe just placed a kindly and thoughtful blessing on your head.

Bob

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#450433 - 10/17/13 12:43 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: flightmedic38
...I don't see any healing in my future only more pain. I am so sick of people telling me it's going to be alright.. I just need someone to tell me the truth. Like yeah it sucks you never forget this will be with you as long as you live. This will ruin relationships, cause you anxiety, make you scared of being close to a male friend., make you avoid large crowds. This will dominate how you raise your children. Nobody ever says that!!!!
Hey flightmedic38,

I so know how you are feeling. There's no denying that this is the hardest work a man can ever do. I can only speak from my own experience, but no, I won't lie to you. I believe that the pain, fear, and anxiety (did I mention anger, shame, and self-hatred?) of my abuse will always be with me. How could it not be? It happened. It will always affect me.

What does change, slowly, sometimes imperceptibly, is that I have come to accept that it did happen, and that I am somewhat handicapped as a result. Like the guy who lost his legs in the Boston Marathon bombing, I am learning to live with my handicap and make the best life possible for myself. Its not the life I'd hoped for, not the life that might have been if only...... But its the life I have been given. And I intend to live it to the max.

All those negative feelings remain....but in the backround. Sometimes they come to the front without warning and knock the wind out of me. But I catch my breath and keep going and it passes.

Maybe I'm just a stubborn bastard who doesn't know when he's been beat. But fuck it! I'll keep fighting it and we'll see what the score is when the game is over.

Be well,

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#450439 - 10/17/13 06:07 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1865
Loc: durham, north england
The truth? Well one interesting fact about that particular beast is that it's never what you actually think it is, neither as dark or as light. Just as it's equally bad to say "everyone in the world is an utter scumbag" as it is to say "everyone is good deep down" seeing the truth one and only one way, either in all those platitudes people (who often don't have any comperable experience), like to say, or in the flat darkness of your own worst imaginings.

as newground and Jude have said, you generally need to just carry on until you find out the truth for yourself.

Yes, there will be a lot of suffering, you know that already, but that's going to happen anyway, and frankly would've done sooner or later. one of my own realizations was that despite how it seemed! to me that I'd opened the proverbial can of worms, even before my decision, (and something of an inforced decision), to confront my own abuse ten years after the fact, I wasn't previously as "fine" as I thought I was.

The only good news however is that as several guys here said, you will find a way of living with it, if you go on. Poetry, a good rant on this forum and telling your story can help. Some people find therapists helpful, (myself I never got a convenient one, and got most support from friends when I needed it), heck, just knowing yourself well enough to find good ways of coping through the down periods and learning that they do! pass.

And after a while of just going day to day, your perceptions of your life, your future, your truth, will not be what it is now.

For myself I've realized that there are effects which will always! be with me, and likely will always affect me, (and I admit this isn't an easy realization). But those don't define me. I'm more than just what happened to me at secondary school, just as someone with no legs is more than just their inability to walk.

This however took time, and work, and a lot of suffering, there is no point denying it, but it has! got better.

Whether your experience will be the same I don't know, but that has been mine and I hope you found it helpful.

Luke.

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#450450 - 10/17/13 09:12 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
First and foremost Thank you too all that responded!!! The good is that I have a great T who makes time for me has open communication anytime I need it. I have found great support here at MS.

The bad well the pain, shame,anger, self loathing take there toll on me on a daily basis. I don't really have a support system at home. They are supportive in the fact that I get to go to therapy. But they don't understand why it's such a problem.

I hate that I am viewed as handicapped just kinda of pisses me off. But it is the truth when it comes down to it. Finding coping skills has helped.
It is very discouraging that people are in therapy for years.

Thank you all for the kind words
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450453 - 10/17/13 09:52 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
bump back up
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#450480 - 10/17/13 04:51 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1865
Loc: durham, north england
Well flight, it is ossible that either A, your family doesn't know how to provide support, or B, they're doing what they can with limited knolidge.

My parents have at different times done different things, some of these have been extremely helpful, (their suggestion that I briefly try antidepressants, though I don't take these anymore), others have been less so, my mum's idea about eharmony for instance.

Mostly what I asked for from my parents and what I got was space, simply being left alone to deal with things, since dealing with people, even my parents was hard work.

I have on three occasions phoned friends just because I needed someone to talk to, or at least cry to, and my friends were great at that point, though those tend to be rare. Above all I've mostly used this sight to express feelings. The rest has just been me on my own, coping, and often having to work things out.

REgarding "pissed off being seen as handicapped" well firstly, who exactly is seeing you as handicapped? and secondly, why should it piss you off?

To be honest since I have a visual imparement I have the problem of being "seen as handicapped" on a very constant basis in a very literal sense. And yes, it pisses me off when for instance the guard on a train is insistant that I need a wheel chair ramp to get onto the train and I have to convince them otherwise, or when in any new group of people nobody will speak to me for the first few hours if at all.

What however annoys me in these cases is not being perceived as possessing a disability, but people's assumption that this makes me a fundamentally different kind of being, less capable at perfectly obvious things like climbing steps.

Second, if we ditch that irritating term "handicapped" and replace it with the much more neutral "disabled" what is wrong with having a disability anyway?

if you don't mind me trying out a little of my own research on you since I've just finished writing a doctoral thesis in ethics on defining disability, my own personal deffinition (in a sentence), is "a disability is any involuntary state of a person which interferes with them being able to carry out desires like normal people" (there is about another fifty pages before getting to that deffinition but that is it).

On this basis, it is just as legitimate to say a person with a miner food alogy (say to nuts), is "disabled" as it is to say a person with clinnical, genetically caused depression or paraplegia is disabled.

Abuse definitely falls into this catagory, it is a violation of a person's self which causes many nasty psychological effects which dam well do! interfere with carrying out desires or living a normal life.

So yes probably everyone hear is disabled, ---- but so hwat! that's like saying everyone who is poor doesn't have enough money or resources to live a reasonable life. it's a factual statement about a bad human condition nothing more. It's what we do! about it that matters.

Btw, please don't worry about the "handicapped" comment, I actually appreciate a chance that the philosophy I've been working so hard on for the past few years might actually surve the purpose they're intended to and help! someone in their life.

Luke.

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#450487 - 10/17/13 05:53 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Luke,
You are very well spoken and I appreciate the feed back. I am hearing and visually impaired. I have dealt with "handicap" my entire life. I am just pissed off because those were genetic, what my abuser did to me was not. I do have to take meds just to function at this moment. Life doesn't stop just because we are having problems. Actually I think it speeds up. I do however like your definition. I haven't been able to tell my story and I do feel handicapped by that. I can't make the words come out. When I think about I just get anxious and want to puke. There is so much more to all of this than being abused. It has it's grips on me and I am not winning this battle. I am fighting like hell but I am exhausted by its everyday presents.

Thanks for the feed back
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450488 - 10/17/13 06:36 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
When my dam broke, and I was fully being washed away in pain and horror of flashbacks I thought that I was one of the very few 'that' happened to in this world. When I found this site as a non-member, I felt a bit relieved. When I read Mike Lew's book: Victims No Longer, I wondered how this guy Mike followed me around for all those years. If you get the book, all I can say is that you take it very very slow. A chapter a day is too much in my op.

I highlighted everything that applied to me in some way. It looks like someone dipped it in a pot of highlighter ink.

I was given a fresh copy to highlight for the mother of a 12-yo whom recently disclosed years of abuse. She wanted to know what I thought was relevant for him. I just handed back the entire book and said "all of this without the highlighter."

Don't give up Kansas!
_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#450493 - 10/17/13 07:16 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Doing my best!!!!! Dam broke and I can't get it plugged. But I am fighting one day at a time. Wish I could see in to the future!! I have so much to be thankful for I just have to remind myself everyday. Suffering is part of it I guess. I would be fine if I could just get past the anxiety:( it rules my life everyday. Things I never worried about now send me in a tail spin.. Just surviving at this point.
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450535 - 10/18/13 07:48 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1865
Loc: durham, north england
Well flight, why should genetic or not make a difference? It's after all the effects that count, heck, only part of my own visual imparement is due to the genetic condition I have, I should! all things being equal have had the same amount of vision as my brother and be able to read large print etc. That didn't happen due to various environmental damage from my premature birth and from a botched opperation when i was 7, but the effect is the same.

Of course with abuse the intention of the abuser makes a difference. For me, one thing I had to realize was that the intention of my own abusers didn't matter and shouldn't make a difference to me. Of course in my case the abuse was done by classmates at school as part of bullying that went far too far, and so was essentialy done casually as a joke, (yes, gang rape and s/xual humiliation as a joke sounds ridiculous but that is how it was).

So I had to realize that their intention didn't matter to me, it was the effect that those three years had and still have on me that matters.

Of course, other guys who had a more emotional connection to their abusers as family members or psudo friends have a different experience of that intention and what it means for them, but the effects still need dealing with.

There is no other way of saying it, the effects dam well hurt! and can lead to feeling vulnerable, fragile and anxious and as if every day is a struggle. If you need medication to help with this, (heck, I did for a while), well fine. However that isn't the be all and end all. you've started dealing with things by just being on this site and talking to other guys, the fact that it was so difficult to start that process and yet you have shows a lot of courage and commitment. Now, all you need to do is carry on that way as you are doing. Maybe reading mike loo's book will help (I wouldn't know myself since I couldn't get a copy in accessible format, though when i did go to one of the man's afternoon conferences it helped).

Above all though just stick around here, vent when needed and keep going one day at a time.

With your story, well if you stick around, chat about your feelings, talk about the effects, (as you did in your nightmares topic), and read some stories from other guys, well you'll find it becomes easier. i won't say more comfortable, but easier.

I myself felt extremely relieved when I first ran into someone else who's abusers were female, especially since my own abuse took place at the hands of that most protected group in our society, teenaged girls.

While nobody will have exactly %100 the same experience, there will be enough similarities to make you feel less alone.

I'll also add that even where such similarities don't exist, guys on this site are able to muster up a great amount of imaginative empathy, aprticularly when the effects rather than the causes are similar.

Lastly, you say you "should be thankful" well that depends upon how your feeling at the time. As I thought myself in This topic I posted a while ago I tend to think whether you can! be positive depends much more on mental state than circumstances. Maybe you can't be thankful at the moment, ---- well that's how it is, and there's no point beating yourself up about it. Indeed, I found myself that one thing I had to learn was not to dwell too heavily on what I was or should be, simply because where I! was concerned my judgements would always be prejudiced.

Senica, one of the founderrs of stoic philosophy famously said "A good man could be happy on the wrack"
Bertran russel, the 20th century logician and ethicist pointed out that "it'd have to be a very good man and a very bad wrack!" laugh.

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