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#450293 - 10/15/13 10:29 PM Suffering
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
So I thought I would post here because I have burdened to many people that I love.
I don't even know where to start. I have a great life one that most people only dream of. I have my dream job, a beautiful healthy family I want for nothing. So why am I so miserable. I was sexually abused in a very violent way when I was eight. That was 30 yrs ago!!!! In the last 12 weeks it has all but consumed me. I was admitted to the physic ward for 8 days in August. They have me all kinds of meds. I see my T once a week with no progress because I can't get the words to come out. I have been having night terrors that leave me scared and exhausted. I keep reading that the pain is good?? I am here to tell you the pain SUCKS!!!!! If I could bury this like I did for 30 yrs I would do it in a second. I don't see any healing in my future only more pain. I am so sick of people telling me it's going to be alright.. I just need someone to tell me the truth. Like yeah it sucks you never forget this will be with you as long as you live. This will ruin relationships, cause you anxiety, make you scared of being close to a male friend., make you avoid large crowds. This will dominate how you raise your children. Nobody ever says that!!!!

Not trying to rain on anyone's parade I hope that all the people here at MS find exactly what they are looking for.... I am just scared to death I won't..

So discouraged
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450298 - 10/15/13 11:03 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
maa17200 Offline


Registered: 10/10/13
Posts: 4
Loc: California
I understand how you are feeling 100%.

Although I never "buried" the CSA that happened to me, I never truly dealt with it and was pretty numb to it for 15 years, mostly because I had other abuse issues that were more pressing throughout my childhood right up through when I left home for college.

Although I have seen more than a fair share of hardships and abuse, I have a great life in every other way than my past. . . it is hard to come to terms with how severely these memories are affecting me lately, basically since I found out I was going to be a father almost two years ago (my son is 1). It is so true about the feeling that this will be with you as long as you live, that it will dominate your life, how you raise your kids, anxiety, etc.

But here's how I see it: Yes, it sucks. It really fucking sucks, and it's totally unfair, and no one deserves to live the rest of their lives with this. But like all loss--and I think this IS a loss, a loss of a part of ourselves--it will ease with time. It will never go away, but we can learn to manage how to live with it; that's why I am here now. Even though it seems it would be easier if I did any of those things that people do to numb or end the pain (alcohol, drugs, affairs, suicide), I know I have to take care of myself and push forward to a better place because my family needs me. I cannot imagine not being there for my wife and son. I cannot leave them stranded.

Don't give up on yourself.
_________________________
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Donít take anything personally.
3. Donít make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

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#450299 - 10/15/13 11:17 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
You will truly be miserable flightmedic. You will feel terror, fear, anxiety, panic. It is just this, the abuse was covered up, by us as survivors, decades ago. It festered, it simmered, it grew in our subconscious. We felt it every so once in a while and we drank/drugged/sexed/self harmed it back, used it's energy and isolated from it. Now, when it wants to, in it's power from our neglect, albeit it unknown to us, it tries to take us over. We are intelligent, driven, stable, confident but now our hurt, abused and neglected personality that we froze all those years ago has thawed and they want their turn at the peace and success they see in some parts of our lives.

This means the chaos within us is actually, us, from our past, that we have pushed down so as not to have to deal with the abuse. It was overwhelming, traumatic and intense, what we experience is incredibly difficult. It is not our choice to deal with the abuse, but it is ourselves, our thoughts and feelings that let loose those memories, hoping to find the relief it senses we own in our carefully constructed lives.

The result? Go into it flight, embrace the chaos and continue to offer it, to offer you reasoning, patience and eventual relief. You will need to learn new tools to calm these feelings and thoughts, but you will.

You will.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#450300 - 10/15/13 11:27 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Thanks for the responses. The only problem is that I feel like this is my burden to carry not my family's. Yes I can't imagine them not having me. But do they want this me?? This is not what they signed up for. My abuser is dead!!! Took his own life. Makes me so mad that I am left to deal with his aftermath.

I hope everyone is right!!!!! Because the tunnel is only getting darker for me:(
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450301 - 10/15/13 11:36 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
maa17200 Offline


Registered: 10/10/13
Posts: 4
Loc: California
Families stick together and are there for each other. Your family can give you some support, but you are right, they cannot bear this burden for you. The good thing is you don't have to try to handle it all by yourself. Your wife can give you some support. Your doctor or therapist is there to help you and to teach you to help yourself.

And I don't think you are right when you say "they did not sign up for this." Being a family means there's no such thing. You are there for each other through the hardest things. The same way you would be there for them if the shoe was on the other foot. It is okay to say to your wife, I need your help. Saying that to my wife was the hardest thing, but I am glad I did. She helps me. Of course, there is a limit to what I can ask from her, when I should get outside help, but that's not the same thing as trying to insulate your family from your internal pain.
_________________________
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Donít take anything personally.
3. Donít make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

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#450341 - 10/16/13 11:26 AM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Robert1000 Offline


Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 336
Hey flightmedic, thanks for being on the forum, and thanks for sharing. I have to say that I disagree with MAA172. Families don't necessarily stick together. Families, like all groups of humans, are prone to error as humans are. Some families are mostly supportive, but you're right, flightmedic, to be anxious and be worried.

Like you, I was raped... let's go ahead and use the term... when I was 10. And I kept it secret for not quite 30 years. So I think I understand some of what you're going through. Or at least maybe there are similarities. (I think people who are sexually abused before they themselves become sexual beings have some differences from people who were abused after. Maybe it's more confusing if before.... Not sure.)

Here's the thing. You don't have to tell people. You don't have to tell your family. But you're living, basically, with red-hot iron bars of pain in your psyche, and that shit will literally kill you if you don't deal with it. You've become a flightmedic and done other hard things, so you know how to steel yourself and get shit done.

So... you've started the ball rolling here. You've joined this forum. Start expressing yourself. I haven't checked your other posts, but are you seeing a therapist? You probably need to. I think you're right to be anxious about your family. (My family has not been... optimal... in the way they've reacted to me telling them. Not terrible, really, but not optimal, either. I'm glad I had been through as much therapy as I had when I told them or it would have been HORRIBLE!) BUT you can safely tell a therapist who specializes in CSA... and preferably someone who can prescribe medications and someone who can do EMDR. I've been doing EMDR on and off for about a year and it's the most effective therapy I've done so far.

Anyway, it does suck to have this kind of thing in your past. I'm glad your abuser is dead, because that way you don't have the opportunity to kill them. (I spent long years thinking of ways to kill the person who abused me, and I'm still consumed with a hateful rage when I think about him.) But honestly, being a survivor of CSA isn't so bad. Hell, I'm actually in a pretty good place most of the time these days. So there you have it. It SUCKS! But, what doesn't sometimes, right?

Take a few deep breathes. And then start talking to a therapist. And then, when your feet are on solid ground, then you can start to think about talking to family members.

But it's not a damn footrace. Don't try to set a speed record to telling. But start dealing with the pain and trauma yourself.

Good luck. When you find a bit of peace, enjoy it. You'll live.

Bob

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#450348 - 10/16/13 12:15 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Doing better today thank you all for reaching out!!!!!
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450359 - 10/16/13 02:31 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 731
Loc: NJ
If and when you decide to confront the perpetrator there are methods used when they have passed.

Holding it in all these years really didn't work... keep at it.

May your good day s outnumber the bad ones.
_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#450363 - 10/16/13 03:34 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hey man welcome !

I'm sorry that this is been rough on you the past few months.

The truth is there is no one truth.

we all have dealt with our lives and the abuse in different ways.

We've had different stories of positive, sustainable healthy choices and support in our lives and - speaking for myself - years of escaping numbing out avoiding dealing with reality.

I can say that honestly walking through my problems and finding people who have walked similar roads and share an understanding of csa has been very helpful.

I continue to learn how to take care of myself and heal.

There are many books and articles that have helped me understand the abuse and its effects on me and taught me how to learn to take care of myself.

There is help.

You seem to have built a life and a profession and a family for yourself - remember that you do have skills and a life that works in many ways.

You probably sought out education, teachers and mentors to help you along with many of these steps of your journey.

Dealing with CSA is no different.

I have to disagree that it is miserable as previous posters have posited.

There is pain - yes - in finally acknowledging some of the loss and damage of the abuse.

Speaking for myself there is been a lot of additional pain and damage from my escaping and acting out behaviors with food, money, alcohol and sex that I take responsibility for.

The times i have buried myself in isolation, shame and denial and have not sought out help have been costly.

And yet today is the only day that I have.

Welcome to YOUR journey of recovery. May you find support, understanding and strength from other survivors to walk thru to a better place and reclaim your life to the fullest.




Edited by Mountainous Buck (10/16/13 03:37 PM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ďIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#450368 - 10/16/13 04:27 PM Re: Suffering [Re: flightmedic38]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 770
Loc: michigan
hey flight
if anyone has told you that it is going to be easy then I would say they lied to you. this son of a bitch "process" sucks bad but the fact is it can get better. I was LOOSING MY MIND when I started this and it really got worse before I could see a light. I did a lot of writing posted a lot here too you can look back and see them just vent man let people here at least know that is how I started to be able to tell more. just by writing and posting it here. poetry or just ramblings it all helps man then you may find your voice in T it takes time and that REALLY sucks I HATE that I want it done now but it seems I have very little choice in when these things happen and that again sucks ass. it can get better man and Im sure you will
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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