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#450083 - 10/13/13 06:00 PM Nightmares
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Hate the nightmares they can completely over take me.i thought I was moving past this portion!!! Feels like two steps forward and 10 backwards. Feeling very overwhelmed and looking for support from other survivors.. I have meet some great people here.. Hope everyone has a great week ahead.. So sick of CSA wish I could bury it again:(
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450086 - 10/13/13 06:27 PM Re: Nightmares [Re: flightmedic38]
justplainme Offline


Registered: 09/01/09
Posts: 295
thats what recovery feels like , since your are better, you can see the extent of the damage! Do not give up! Stay strong and courageous my friend.
_________________________

"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."

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#450092 - 10/13/13 07:03 PM Re: Nightmares [Re: flightmedic38]
Napoleon Offline


Registered: 04/06/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
One step forward, many steps back, Indeed.

I have seen people come here and leave in a few months, returning to tell how much better they are doing. I have seen others stay for some time, many have been here many years, you get a perspective of this when you read old posts and see people who still remain and still have issues.

I myself left and thought I was doing great only to have a few set backs that left me well behind where I was when I started.

If this is recovery; I was better off with these memories suppressed.
_________________________
“Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.” Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

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#450097 - 10/13/13 08:51 PM Re: Nightmares [Re: flightmedic38]
gettingstronger Online   content


Registered: 09/24/13
Posts: 163
Loc: Virginia
flightmedic38, hang in there. I know it feels like two steps forward and ten back, but the reality is you're working through it deep down. I have all sorts of weird-ass dreams having to do with this, but I know it's for the good, even when I wake up feeling like crap.

What I'm hearing from my T, survivors I know personally and others on this site (as well as people on other survivor websites) is that ugly is beautiful. If you're engaging this rather than burying it, it's ugly as hell but you're making progress whether you realize it or not. Some days you have breakthroughs and you feel great, and other days feel like you're going nowhere (or backing up) and you feel like crap. Trust me-- you're NOT backing up.

Hang in there. If you have a decent T, stay with him/her. (I went through a couple of them before I found the right one, and she's awesome.) I know today wasn't a good day, but today will also be over sooner or later and tomorrow may well be better. Take care.
_________________________
Don't let "three steps forward and two steps back" bother you. Thirty steps forward and twenty back are still ten steps in the right direction.

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#450128 - 10/14/13 04:32 AM Re: Nightmares [Re: flightmedic38]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
+1 to what's already been said. The nightmares were terrible, and sometimes still kick up lots of guilt, shame, etc. But after a couple of years sometimes they would change: me defending myself, escaping, making a different choice.

It isn't 100%, or even 50% of the time these days, but it does help.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#450133 - 10/14/13 04:51 AM Re: Nightmares [Re: flightmedic38]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1988
Loc: durham, north england
Well as someone who has been doing recovery and posting on this site for a few years, (albeit with some absences), while it is indeed true that you never get rid of everything, it does become easier, indeed when I compare to how I was even three years ago Much! easier.

I still occasionally get the dark moments, the sleepness nights, but far less frequently, likely once every couple of months rather than every two or three days, and the down points now last only one! night not a hole week at a stretch. More than that, I found I got to a point where I was no longer living entirely in the present, just going from day to day and struggling forward, but was actually able to perceive what was in front of me, to make plans about my life for the future. I also found I got to a point where I could be independent about myself. I could say "well I have a sense of worthlessness, but I'm not paying attention to that because I know it to be an eronius perception" I can even now acknolidge that I am genophobic.

No, it hasn't worked out as I wished. I didn't just get rid of everything so it was gone, or suddenly find myself swept up in a big romance, but I'm better about myself, I no longer struggle to hang on to reality, and I know who and what I am, which is really the best I can say.

As to recovery and progress, well while everyone's journey is certainly a different path, I will say , it almost seems a little ironic to me to read posts like this which almost exactly mirror stuff I myself have said in the past.

One thing I now realize about recovery and progress is that since my own sense of worth was broken, I! was in no way able to perceive how far I'd come or what I'd done in the past. It's like that bit in the Hobbit where the Dwarves and Bilbo are walking through the dark forest of Mirkwood, and the dwarves ask Bilbo to climb a tree and see how close to the edge of the forest they are. Unfortunately for him, Bilbo climbs a tree which while tall, is at the bottom of a valley, so the forest stretches up all around and he can't see the edge.

Unfortunately the only real way to know whether recovery is working or even what your trying to achieve in recovery, seems to be to do more of it, likewise the only real way to get a sense of perspective on whether starting was a good idea is to carry on.

I know myself I had plenty of "why the hell did I even bother!" and "this is just getting worse!" moments. It wasn't until much later that I actually realized that the idea that once upon a time I was fine, but then I opened the proverbial cupboard and out came all the skeletons was just down right wrong, (Mr. Freud has lots to answer for). It was more like I was living ontop of a bunker full of radioactive waste that was seapking slowly out. Even if I pretended it wasn't there, I couldn't ignore the effects. To give one practical example, back in the days when I thought I was "fine!" I had an extreme fear of crowds, and would actively avoid going out in public places if it was crowded, especially if I was likely to be in close proximity to people.

I! assumed this was normal, this was fine, ---- and bugger all to do with my abuse!

"honest gov, the land round here has always glowed like that, and three eyed fish are perfectly normal! ---- Radiation? never heard of it!"

So, while I don't imagine that this sounds particularly helpful, and while I know myself having people tell me "it will get better" always sounded pretty hollow to me in those especially dark moments, I will say it anyway:

It will! get better.

Luke.

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#450169 - 10/14/13 10:03 PM Re: Nightmares [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
Thank you all for the support.. Rough day today not sure I can do this.. And I hate being so weak it really pisses me off....
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450190 - 10/15/13 04:29 AM Re: Nightmares [Re: flightmedic38]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1988
Loc: durham, north england
Well I can appreciate being pissed off, but make sure your pissed off in a good way.

Calling yourself "Weak" and generally castigating yourself won't help. You might as well call someone weak for not being able to walk after having a leg blown off.

Get pissed off by all means, but do it in the right! way.

Myself, if yu ask me what the single most important emotion I had to cultivate through recovery, (and still try to maintain), the one thing that often stopped me from completely going overboard, it is shear bloody minded persistance.

Not hope or self confidence or anything so nice. Simply "I've started so I'll bloody finish" That to me is the deffinition of a hero, a person who carries on for the sake of carrying on, not for duty or to prove a point or for some grand ideal, simply because stopping would be giving up and that would be unthinkable.

So, if your going to be pissed off with yourself, do it that way, don't cryticise your own weakness, but just refuse to stop what your doing for anyone or anything!

Of course this is my own personal path. Other guys here have different stories. Some for instance see recovery as a battle with their abusers and refuse to "let them win", others maintain a constant belief in hope, others do it because of some relationship they want with a significant other or with their kids, others feel they owe it to their younger, childhood selves to become better adults, still other guys have a faith in God.

I don't know quite what works for you, but shear bloody minded persistance is always what has kept me going from day to day when things really get down to the wire and it's a struggle just to stand up right or perceive reality.

Luke.

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#450227 - 10/15/13 12:44 PM Re: Nightmares [Re: flightmedic38]
flightmedic38 Offline


Registered: 09/13/13
Posts: 78
Loc: Kansas
What a rough start to the week. Thank god for a good T. I hate what my abuser has done to me 30 years later. He is dead now and I am left here to suffer. Everyone on here has such a positive outlook is it wrong that I don't. I want to move forward in recovery but feel like my wheels are just spinning. Grateful for the connections that I have made. I do however feel like I have a decision to make. I can either get to living or get to dying...
_________________________
Either get to living or get to dying!!!!! Shawshank redemption

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#450233 - 10/15/13 01:31 PM Re: Nightmares [Re: flightmedic38]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1988
Loc: durham, north england
"get to living or get to dying?" that sounds positive to me.

Seriously, optimism is hard! heck I'm pretty crap at it for myself, probably why I find it so easy to be optimistic for other people laugh.

Still, maybe you just need to take each day at a time, that's fine! worry about the future when the future worries about you.

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