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#450090 - 10/13/13 06:55 PM Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 68
Guys,

I took some time today to write out a few facts related to my recovery. I will get more into why I did so in a minute.

Here's what I wrote and how I wrote it:

Total Number of Long Term Therapeutic Relationships: 7
Total Number of Short Term/Emergency Therapies: 3
First Time in Therapy: 26 years ago.
Most Recent Time in Therapy: 4 years ago.
Longest Continuous Time in Therapy: 7 years.

Total Number of Hospitalizations: 2
Longest Period of Time Hospitalized: 6 weeks.
Suicides by known co-victims of one of my abusers: 3

Number of severe/long-term/violent abusers: 3
Number of those I've never discussed with anyone: 1
First time I stopped hinting to myself, rationalizing, and hedging about that last abuser and just admitted to myself what I've always more or less known actually went on: a couple of weeks ago.

Number of years I've looked at this site without joining: 8
Problem I want this list to help me with: denial.

Lately, PTSD is kicking my ass, again, so I'm re-starting therapy.

In the past, I've always viewed re-starting therapy as a failure. What I want to do with this list, to fight that view, is first and foremost, to teach myself the truth about my own life.

Second, I want to start viewing these multiple attempts at therapy as something positive. I don't know what yet exactly, but something positive.

I don't want to be a liar: I have high hopes of viewing things positively, of being positive, and of pushing through this denial but I could use some help. Chat on this site has been an incredibly helpful experience and is what's prompted me to do this post.

If anyone has any similar experiences of denial, or strategies or ideas for fighting it, I'd appreciate hearing from you. I never throught I'd join this site and once I did, I never thought I'd post. Here's to being wrong about the right things.

Thanks.

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#450108 - 10/13/13 11:18 PM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
maa17200 Offline


Registered: 10/10/13
Posts: 4
Loc: California
I've also struggled with being in denial of the fact that this was something in my life that I needed to deal with, so I joined recently in order to talk with others I felt could understand. I believe that speaking with kindred spirits will help me get out the things I really only talk about with myself in my head.
_________________________
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Donít take anything personally.
3. Donít make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

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#450126 - 10/14/13 04:25 AM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
tbkkfile Offline


Registered: 09/16/13
Posts: 269
Loc: Surrey, United Kingdom
Welcome SayItRight.

It took me around 40 years to finally start to deal with my abuse, dissociation, self destruction, and addiction and joining MS was and is the most healing thing that I'd done.

For me dealing with the things that you mention are akin to building layer upon layer of healing - I have a bad day and it strips some off but with enough layers I don't end back at square one again.

I've changed all of my daily routines to help, for instance I drive alot for my job so I've put together some playlists of music which help me relax, keep me calm and positive that maybe are associated with some good things that happened. I've changed my diet so no more crap junk, I figure that if an athlete needs the right food to give them energy and to help them achieve then so do I, lots of juices no more alcahol. I've taken up exercise, running and have to say that it really helps. I also have some me time each day where I try to reaffirm the positive things in my life.

Sorry to ramble, I wish you healing.
_________________________
To look up and not down,
To look forward and not back,
To look out and not in

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#450127 - 10/14/13 04:30 AM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
It was about 15 years between my last abuse and when I started to deal with it.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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#450129 - 10/14/13 04:32 AM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5945
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Hey SayItRight,

Becoming aware of our past struggle is a good thing, it helps us to understand the journey, that we have been trying to heal. This IS such an incredible struggle, frought with perils of misunderstanding in ourselves, from others and everything in between. I too spent about 40 years cycling between what I thought I could do and what I needed guidance, therapy, coping mechanisms and whatever else in order to keep going. Man, I was SO wrong. I am glad to be in recovery and plan to make this a life long therapy, the ultimate therapy.

I too wish you healing, keep sharing, keep posting, keep healing.

Sam
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#450151 - 10/14/13 03:02 PM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 68
Guys, every response has been helpful. Thanks.

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#450152 - 10/14/13 03:47 PM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
unhappycamper Offline


Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 619
Loc: VA
Each of us has his own "learning curve," and there's obviously no timetable. Yesterday (Oct 13) was "new year's day" for me--the beginning of Anno Flashbackiae 20. I'm a lot better than I was in 1994, and yet I had another nearly sleepless night last night.

My new year resolution once again is to keep getting better. I wish you the same!

John

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#450155 - 10/14/13 04:25 PM ! [Re: SayItRight]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
!


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (02/28/14 10:00 PM)

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#450512 - 10/17/13 11:47 PM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
SayItRight Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/13
Posts: 68
Smalltown80sBoy and Unhappycamper:

Wanted to say thanks to both of you as well.

I really liked the ideas: "there's obviously no timetable" and, in response to the list I posted: "you have so much to be proud of."

I've read and re-read my post and everyone's responses a couple of times and will continue to do so. Thanks again everyone.

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#450526 - 10/18/13 04:24 AM Re: Looking at the Numbers - Possible Triggers [Re: SayItRight]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1585
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: SayItRight
Total Number of Long Term Therapeutic Relationships: 7
Total Number of Short Term/Emergency Therapies: 3
First Time in Therapy: 26 years ago.
Most Recent Time in Therapy: 4 years ago.
Longest Continuous Time in Therapy: 7 years.

Your post prompted me to try to count up the therapists I've seen in the past 35 years. Some of them I can't even recall their names, but I believe there were 13 including my current T. The first I ever saw cried during the first session, while telling me how badly he felt about the size of his penis. I never went back. Most I dropped because I felt I wasn't getting anywhere. One fired me because he said I wasn't serious about therapy. A couple moved away. But the guy who fired me was right. I spent hours talking, but never told the truth. Never addressed my CSA, never addressed my addictions, never talked about anything about myself. It was always about how everyone else was the problem in my life. If they'd just wake up and realize how lucky they are to have me, and treat me wih the respect I deserved, everything would be okay.

It got to the point though where I couldn't contain all the secrets anymore. I had to get it out and face it all, or die. Literally. Now I am committed to recovery and spare nothing in my effort to move forward in it. One little step at a time. Painful, yeah. Time consuming, sure. But I will not waste another second living the hell I was in before I started.

Good post Sayitright. Keep it up.

Jude
_________________________
Can't be bothered with sorrow
And I can't be bothered with hate, no, no
I'm using up the time but feeling fine every day
That's why I'm telling you
I just want to celebrate another day of livin'
Rare Earth

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